Anonymous wrote:Why would you want your kids exposed to this day in and day out?

+2. Even if he doesn't direct his anger/ego towards your kids, don't dismiss the impact it has on them as witnesses. I grew up with it and, believe you me, wish I had at least 1 place where I was free from it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. It seems malpractice to me to have therapy with someone so abusive. I hope you see someone on your own. He needs to go to therapy by himself too.

+1

I’ve been to marital therapy and individual therapy before, and this session you describe sounds like it is being mismanaged by the therapist.

Is this person new to practice?

No he’s not.

It sounds like you are doing all the work, OP. And it also sounds like your life would be easier if you were divorced.

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want your kids exposed to this day in and day out?

This. Why are you not moving towards ending this?

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. It seems malpractice to me to have therapy with someone so abusive. I hope you see someone on your own. He needs to go to therapy by himself too.

+1

I’ve been to marital therapy and individual therapy before, and this session you describe sounds like it is being mismanaged by the therapist.

Is this person new to practice?

If my DH was acting like this regularly, I would file for divorce. Sounds like a textbook read of irreconcilable differences.

Why would you want your kids exposed to this day in and day out?

Anonymous wrote:Well it sounds like you already have a good idea of what divorce will look like…I mean you already have separate “nights” and he’s only going to be fun dad, and you already have to do paperwork bills and responsible stuff. Maybe being away from each other would be more pleasant? Sounds like he’s unable to handle life. (Also sounds like my dh on steroids, or more precisely before adhd meds and therapy and low stress job).

We tried separating for six months. He harassed me during the separation. Many more logistics requiring communication. So far being in one household with the separate schedules has been less interaction. I know it isn’t ideal but the separation was honestly harder for me, plus I didn’t get to see the kids as much.

OP here.

Thanks.
I have an individual counselor.
This marriage counselor is good. He is the only one so far my DH listens to. The yelling and other verbal/emotional abuse has gone from a 10 to about a 3-4 since we started two months ago. I am aware that only a zero would be acceptable. I am going to give this about four more months before deciding what makes sense to do.

Our last session my husband rambled for about half an hour about his wounds, traumas, perceived slights, and how impossible it is to live with me when I challenge his reality but how he wants the relationship still (what?). When I spoke he shut me down and went on and on about how what I’m saying isn’t true and it’s made up, I don’t show up authentically but he does, I shouldn’t even speak, etc. I think the counselor got a good sense of his pathologies. He told him he needs to stop invalidating what I say and claiming that he is the only source of truth. However I wonder if my DH is too far gone in whatever mental health break this is to manage doing so.

Echoing what everyone else said - you shouldn't be doing counseling with someone who is abusive. You need an individual counselor. Your husband's inability to regulate himself IN COUNSELING is a dealbreaker. I can imagine how bad it is in your home.

You should not do counseling with someone that is abusive. You should get out.

As for your question, I agree you bring it up but maybe with the therapist on your own (some marriage counselors sees couples individually as well). Being afraid to bring it up out of fear he will explode kind of illustrates the dynamic.

Well it sounds like you already have a good idea of what divorce will look like…I mean you already have separate “nights” and he’s only going to be fun dad, and you already have to do paperwork bills and responsible stuff. Maybe being away from each other would be more pleasant? Sounds like he’s unable to handle life. (Also sounds like my dh on steroids, or more precisely before adhd meds and therapy and low stress job).

I’m sorry. It seems malpractice to me to have therapy with someone so abusive. I hope you see someone on your own. He needs to go to therapy by himself too.

If your DH was angry and irritable to the point of being emotionally abusive, and you were in counseling together, would you let things slide as much as possible or try to address? Some things I’m trying to let slide but others I want to address. I’m so over his behavior I don’t know how to bring it up constructively though.

1) emotional outbursts
Ex. We were supposed to meet to work through some financial stuff for greater transparency. He did it all without me in the 10 min before I came. When I came and asked to see some documentation related to it he had an outburst, yelled and called me “nasty” repeatedly and some other things as well.

2) mean behavior in front of the kids
yelling, criticism, stonewalling

3) lack of responsibility
Wanted to split parenting schedule to rotate responsibilities. Fine. Doesn’t cook, just does takeout or restaurants (one kid has a condition where diet is important). Gets babysitters and goes out on his nights “with the kids.” Does not do the random things around the house that need doing, like replace lightbulbs, fix cabinet door that fell off hinges months ago, etc. Yells at me to take care of more things around the house. Won’t do admin related to kids or help with their special needs stuff, homework, practice. Only wants to be fun dad turning on the TV.

He is so dysregulated that he can’t make it through a therapy session without an outburst. I have cut down on our interaction and communication significantly. Counselor seems focused on how he can calm himself down which I agree seems key. Do I just stay out of the way or do I bring up, for example, 1) in sessions to address?