Anonymous
11/04/2023 15:46
Subject: How can we avoid getting 'left behind' as the surviving spouse if dementia sets in?
Well obviously he married you so that you could care for him. Perhaps you need to rethink the arrangement.
To answer your question, I'll probably move abroad where labor and medicine is much cheaper.
To answer your question, I'll probably move abroad where labor and medicine is much cheaper.
Anonymous
11/04/2023 15:43
Subject: How can we avoid getting 'left behind' as the surviving spouse if dementia sets in?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Where did all your money go if you don't have children?
We have savings and investments. We also own a small house we rent out, and we have another property we use for vacations.
I know we could sell, but still ...
I know how much MIL pays monthly for her private and live-in aides and it's eye wateringly expensive.
DH and his siblings want her to age in place and die at home.
Sounds like you are very comfortable so screaming poverty is strange. The biggest issue is who will manage your care.
OP here. I know we are comfortable but even so, I get worried about running out of money when we're old and in need of care.
Everything has gotten so expensive because of inflation.
MIL pays between 12k and 13k per month for private aides including live-in.
And then there's the cost of renovation work to adapt her bathrooms, a stairlift, etc.
Yes, who will manage our care is the biggest issue for the remaining spouse, whether it's him or me - without being taken advantage of.
Childfree elderly living on their own, especially if they have dementia, are very vulnerable.
Anonymous
11/04/2023 14:00
Subject: How can we avoid getting 'left behind' as the surviving spouse if dementia sets in?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Where did all your money go if you don't have children?
We have savings and investments. We also own a small house we rent out, and we have another property we use for vacations.
I know we could sell, but still ...
I know how much MIL pays monthly for her private and live-in aides and it's eye wateringly expensive.
DH and his siblings want her to age in place and die at home.
Sounds like you are very comfortable so screaming poverty is strange. The biggest issue is who will manage your care.
Anonymous
11/04/2023 13:58
Subject: How can we avoid getting 'left behind' as the surviving spouse if dementia sets in?
Continued care community as mentioned. Also, we have kids but having seen the ugly side of dementia in our family (abusive behavior, aggression, extreme anxiety where meds keep needing to adjusted, rage) we have rethought how we would handle things like a cancer diagnosis past a certain age. I would rather not go through chemo past 70, say goodby to my loved ones and treat them with love and give them permission to enjoy life to the fullest as I fade with amazing pain meds than put them through years of me getting chemo and surgeries and radiation only to have me turn into a demon who is abusive.
Also, I know some will be horrified, but I will be looking into the option of death with dignity and I hope it becomes legal more places and legal for those with dementia and alzheimers.
That said, OP even if you had kids, if you become like our parents that doesn't do much. We still had to get adult protective services involved, the police, etc-all stuff neighbors would do. Those with dementia have a lot of rights, even the right to burn the house down or plunge down the steps to death. It's the people who develop the more childlike dementia where you can more easily get them the proper care and check on things and ensure safety and that they are well cared for. It's very hard to advocate for an abusive elder who scares off staff.
Also, I know some will be horrified, but I will be looking into the option of death with dignity and I hope it becomes legal more places and legal for those with dementia and alzheimers.
That said, OP even if you had kids, if you become like our parents that doesn't do much. We still had to get adult protective services involved, the police, etc-all stuff neighbors would do. Those with dementia have a lot of rights, even the right to burn the house down or plunge down the steps to death. It's the people who develop the more childlike dementia where you can more easily get them the proper care and check on things and ensure safety and that they are well cared for. It's very hard to advocate for an abusive elder who scares off staff.
Anonymous
11/04/2023 11:21
Subject: Re:How can we avoid getting 'left behind' as the surviving spouse if dementia sets in?
Anonymous wrote:my husband and I bought long term care insurance years ago and thank god we did. My mom had it and it was a lifesaver!
Note that newer policies are way more problematic and do not generally offer the same level of payout as older ones.
Anonymous
11/04/2023 11:15
Subject: Re:How can we avoid getting 'left behind' as the surviving spouse if dementia sets in?
my husband and I bought long term care insurance years ago and thank god we did. My mom had it and it was a lifesaver!
Anonymous
11/04/2023 11:12
Subject: How can we avoid getting 'left behind' as the surviving spouse if dementia sets in?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am 55, my husband is 64.
We don't have kids.
Husband is retired, I still work.
We are both in good health. I think I may be menopausal but other than that, we're fine.
We own our house and we are mortgage free. No plans to move or downsize in the near future.
What prompted me to start this thread is my very elderly, widowed MIL who is in her 90s and suffers from mid-stage dementia.
She lives in her own home and receives round the clock care from private aides (including live-in) and from her adult children. She is wealthy and she can afford to pay for private and live-in aides 24/7.
It dawned on me that DH and I will never be able to afford this level of support for ourselves in our old age.
For context:
DH and I don't have children, so no grandchildren either.
I am an only child, so no siblings and no nieces and nephews either.
My parents died years ago and my relatives all live abroad (in our home country and in other countries).
I am cordial with, but not close to my cousins.
I am cordial with, but not close to my SILs and their families.
The person I am closest to is DH.
We don't have enough funds to afford private and live-in aides 24/7 like MIL. For a few months maybe, but not for years.
If I should die first, I'm sure my SILs would offer DH some practical support, or at least check on him now and then - IF they suspect his cognitive abilities are declining.
If DH goes first, I'm on my own.
Dementia is scary! I see how MIL's health is declining and it sometimes causes me to feel anxious about our own old age, even if we're still healthy right now.
I mean, how does a person living on their own even know that they have dementia? They don't, do they?
DH tells me not to worry about the future and just enjoy the present while we can.
He says he doesn't care where I live, what I do with our house or with my life if he should die first.
Well, this is eye-opening.
I think he meant it as a joke. What is he supposed to say? He says he'll be dead and I can do whatever I want.
Anonymous
11/04/2023 11:10
Subject: How can we avoid getting 'left behind' as the surviving spouse if dementia sets in?
Anonymous wrote:Move to a retirement community now.
I would agree with moving to a Continuing Care Community. Just know that many have moved away from the “once you move here we will take care of you” to a different model where you still have to apply and pay more for upgraded levels of care. They have some euphemistic name for it that I can’t recall. They also don’t make it obvious that they have made these switches. However, it is probably still going to offer more potential support than living alone.
Anonymous
11/04/2023 11:07
Subject: How can we avoid getting 'left behind' as the surviving spouse if dementia sets in?
Anonymous wrote:Where did all your money go if you don't have children?
We have savings and investments. We also own a small house we rent out, and we have another property we use for vacations.
I know we could sell, but still ...
I know how much MIL pays monthly for her private and live-in aides and it's eye wateringly expensive.
DH and his siblings want her to age in place and die at home.
Anonymous
11/04/2023 10:46
Subject: How can we avoid getting 'left behind' as the surviving spouse if dementia sets in?
Move to a retirement community now.
Anonymous
11/04/2023 10:45
Subject: How can we avoid getting 'left behind' as the surviving spouse if dementia sets in?
It is scary. But it might not happen. You might pass peacefully in your sleep.
I know people that have been proactive and have prepared an exit option for when they feel dementia coming on.
I know people that have been proactive and have prepared an exit option for when they feel dementia coming on.
Anonymous
11/04/2023 10:44
Subject: How can we avoid getting 'left behind' as the surviving spouse if dementia sets in?
Where did all your money go if you don't have children?
Anonymous
11/04/2023 10:40
Subject: How can we avoid getting 'left behind' as the surviving spouse if dementia sets in?
Anonymous wrote:I am 55, my husband is 64.
We don't have kids.
Husband is retired, I still work.
We are both in good health. I think I may be menopausal but other than that, we're fine.
We own our house and we are mortgage free. No plans to move or downsize in the near future.
What prompted me to start this thread is my very elderly, widowed MIL who is in her 90s and suffers from mid-stage dementia.
She lives in her own home and receives round the clock care from private aides (including live-in) and from her adult children. She is wealthy and she can afford to pay for private and live-in aides 24/7.
It dawned on me that DH and I will never be able to afford this level of support for ourselves in our old age.
For context:
DH and I don't have children, so no grandchildren either.
I am an only child, so no siblings and no nieces and nephews either.
My parents died years ago and my relatives all live abroad (in our home country and in other countries).
I am cordial with, but not close to my cousins.
I am cordial with, but not close to my SILs and their families.
The person I am closest to is DH.
We don't have enough funds to afford private and live-in aides 24/7 like MIL. For a few months maybe, but not for years.
If I should die first, I'm sure my SILs would offer DH some practical support, or at least check on him now and then - IF they suspect his cognitive abilities are declining.
If DH goes first, I'm on my own.
Dementia is scary! I see how MIL's health is declining and it sometimes causes me to feel anxious about our own old age, even if we're still healthy right now.
I mean, how does a person living on their own even know that they have dementia? They don't, do they?
DH tells me not to worry about the future and just enjoy the present while we can.
He says he doesn't care where I live, what I do with our house or with my life if he should die first.
Well, this is eye-opening.
Anonymous
11/04/2023 10:36
Subject: Re:How can we avoid getting 'left behind' as the surviving spouse if dementia sets in?
Dementia is not an on/off switch. Often it comes on gradually. You absolutely know it's happening in the early stages. My dad has Alzheimer's and went through about 3 years of depression because he knew he was slipping and what the end result will eventually be. He is now past that stage and I can't say for certain whether he knows he has dementia.
It is not too late for you to cultivate relationships and friendships with people who will keep an eye out for you. Try a church, maybe UU if you aren't particularly religious. You can also consider moving into a retirement community.
It is not too late for you to cultivate relationships and friendships with people who will keep an eye out for you. Try a church, maybe UU if you aren't particularly religious. You can also consider moving into a retirement community.
Anonymous
11/04/2023 10:29
Subject: How can we avoid getting 'left behind' as the surviving spouse if dementia sets in?
I am 55, my husband is 64.
We don't have kids.
Husband is retired, I still work.
We are both in good health. I think I may be menopausal but other than that, we're fine.
We own our house and we are mortgage free. No plans to move or downsize in the near future.
What prompted me to start this thread is my very elderly, widowed MIL who is in her 90s and suffers from mid-stage dementia.
She lives in her own home and receives round the clock care from private aides (including live-in) and from her adult children. She is wealthy and she can afford to pay for private and live-in aides 24/7.
It dawned on me that DH and I will never be able to afford this level of support for ourselves in our old age.
For context:
DH and I don't have children, so no grandchildren either.
I am an only child, so no siblings and no nieces and nephews either.
My parents died years ago and my relatives all live abroad (in our home country and in other countries).
I am cordial with, but not close to my cousins.
I am cordial with, but not close to my SILs and their families.
The person I am closest to is DH.
We don't have enough funds to afford private and live-in aides 24/7 like MIL. For a few months maybe, but not for years.
If I should die first, I'm sure my SILs would offer DH some practical support, or at least check on him now and then - IF they suspect his cognitive abilities are declining.
If DH goes first, I'm on my own.
Dementia is scary! I see how MIL's health is declining and it sometimes causes me to feel anxious about our own old age, even if we're still healthy right now.
I mean, how does a person living on their own even know that they have dementia? They don't, do they?
DH tells me not to worry about the future and just enjoy the present while we can.
He says he doesn't care where I live, what I do with our house or with my life if he should die first.
We don't have kids.
Husband is retired, I still work.
We are both in good health. I think I may be menopausal but other than that, we're fine.
We own our house and we are mortgage free. No plans to move or downsize in the near future.
What prompted me to start this thread is my very elderly, widowed MIL who is in her 90s and suffers from mid-stage dementia.
She lives in her own home and receives round the clock care from private aides (including live-in) and from her adult children. She is wealthy and she can afford to pay for private and live-in aides 24/7.
It dawned on me that DH and I will never be able to afford this level of support for ourselves in our old age.
For context:
DH and I don't have children, so no grandchildren either.
I am an only child, so no siblings and no nieces and nephews either.
My parents died years ago and my relatives all live abroad (in our home country and in other countries).
I am cordial with, but not close to my cousins.
I am cordial with, but not close to my SILs and their families.
The person I am closest to is DH.
We don't have enough funds to afford private and live-in aides 24/7 like MIL. For a few months maybe, but not for years.
If I should die first, I'm sure my SILs would offer DH some practical support, or at least check on him now and then - IF they suspect his cognitive abilities are declining.
If DH goes first, I'm on my own.
Dementia is scary! I see how MIL's health is declining and it sometimes causes me to feel anxious about our own old age, even if we're still healthy right now.
I mean, how does a person living on their own even know that they have dementia? They don't, do they?
DH tells me not to worry about the future and just enjoy the present while we can.
He says he doesn't care where I live, what I do with our house or with my life if he should die first.