Anonymous wrote:
So other than "trying to initiate" have you done nothing at all to:

Discuss this with him and ask him why he's not interested? And not take "I don't feel like it" as his final answer? "I try to initiate" is not a discussion, OP.

Get him a detailed medical checkup including testing his testosterone levels, blood sugar, thyroid etc. etc.? (Thyroid issues, pretty common as we age, can affect libido as it did in my own DH). Same goes for a depression screening. What is his job situation? What stresses is he under? Are your out-of-the-nest kids in college with tuition bills that worry him but not you? Do you know or care if there might be other factors at play, or are you just hornIy and when he says no, you start thinking about dreamy men on European business trips?

Address what it is in your marriage that is so obviously NOT "excellent"? If you cannot approach your own spouse to say you have a problem and want to work it out as a team, your marriage isn't excellent and you're fooling yourself. Leaping to cheating to "get your needs met" yet still pretending you nobly want to keep the marriage is bulls**t, OP.

Yeah, I'm being hard on you. Bleating about your great marriage, saying you want the marriage, but then preening yourself on your attractiveness and your easy opportunities to cheat -- you need to step back and see yourself the way you really are. You don't care enough about your DH to even wonder if he might have a medical issue, or be under stresses you haven't bothered to explore, or anything else. If you love him you will care about all of him, and whether he's in trouble that is showing up as lack of libido. But nope, you're all about you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have lots of questions.

Have you ever talked to DH about his lack of desire for you? Yes. He’s not a big talker, though - makes him uncomfortable. Not a guy who’s going to therapy, either. Just not his thing.
Have you ever discussed opening the marriage? No. Think he’d freak out.
If you cheated on your DH and he found out, how would he react? Would be incredibly sad - hence have never considered it prior to now and only thinking about it now in this very specific context.
Are you ready to end the marriage if things go sour? No
Is the other man married or single? Married, living separately but does not want divorce (religious country…)
Is it someone you actually have to work with? No.
Do you think you can do something like this without getting emotionally entangled with the other man? Yes.

I was in your position, at a younger age, and this is what I had to consider. I did not go through with it although I am very attractive and the other man was very enthusiastic about me. Things with DH are better. It actually kind of revved him up a bit when he knew another man wanted me. Thank you so much for sharing!

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, what happens if you go the dadt route and he starts wants to start sleeping with other people and turns out that he's keeping busier that you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP.

If you went through with this, how would DH react if he found out?

Is there a way you could train him, or condition him, to be more open to you doing this, without outright saying it? Maybe, over time, you could make him see it more your way, and at least be open to a “don’t ask don’t tell” situation?

That’s an interesting idea, thank you. I think something blunt like “how about an open marriage” would be too scary and get rejected - that’s actually one talk we have never had. But maybe easing into it. I would (clearly) be OK with a DADT, although as another recent thread notes, you run the risk of one of the 4+ participants getting too emotionally involved.

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP.

If you went through with this, how would DH react if he found out?

Is there a way you could train him, or condition him, to be more open to you doing this, without outright saying it? Maybe, over time, you could make him see it more your way, and at least be open to a “don’t ask don’t tell” situation?

Anonymous wrote:
So other than "trying to initiate" have you done nothing at all to:

Discuss this with him and ask him why he's not interested? And not take "I don't feel like it" as his final answer? "I try to initiate" is not a discussion, OP.

Get him a detailed medical checkup including testing his testosterone levels, blood sugar, thyroid etc. etc.? (Thyroid issues, pretty common as we age, can affect libido as it did in my own DH). Same goes for a depression screening. What is his job situation? What stresses is he under? Are your out-of-the-nest kids in college with tuition bills that worry him but not you? Do you know or care if there might be other factors at play, or are you just hornIy and when he says no, you start thinking about dreamy men on European business trips?

Address what it is in your marriage that is so obviously NOT "excellent"? If you cannot approach your own spouse to say you have a problem and want to work it out as a team, your marriage isn't excellent and you're fooling yourself. Leaping to cheating to "get your needs met" yet still pretending you nobly want to keep the marriage is bulls**t, OP.

Yeah, I'm being hard on you. Bleating about your great marriage, saying you want the marriage, but then preening yourself on your attractiveness and your easy opportunities to cheat -- you need to step back and see yourself the way you really are. You don't care enough about your DH to even wonder if he might have a medical issue, or be under stresses you haven't bothered to explore, or anything else. If you love him you will care about all of him, and whether he's in trouble that is showing up as lack of libido. But nope, you're all about you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I have an asexual DH. No sex for 18 years. Therefore, I consider my sex life my business, and definitely not his. YMMV, especially if sex with your DH is rare as opposed to nonexistent.

Anonymous wrote:I have lots of questions.

Have you ever talked to DH about his lack of desire for you? Yes. He’s not a big talker, though - makes him uncomfortable. Not a guy who’s going to therapy, either. Just not his thing.
Have you ever discussed opening the marriage? No. Think he’d freak out.
If you cheated on your DH and he found out, how would he react? Would be incredibly sad - hence have never considered it prior to now and only thinking about it now in this very specific context.
Are you ready to end the marriage if things go sour? No
Is the other man married or single? Married, living separately but does not want divorce (religious country…)
Is it someone you actually have to work with? No.
Do you think you can do something like this without getting emotionally entangled with the other man? Yes.

I was in your position, at a younger age, and this is what I had to consider. I did not go through with it although I am very attractive and the other man was very enthusiastic about me. Things with DH are better. It actually kind of revved him up a bit when he knew another man wanted me. Thank you so much for sharing!

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?