Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is now in advanced stages of dementia and she is completely non verbal, sedated by all the meds she takes, unaware of things going on in the world or with her family members. So, yes, it’s gotten “better” in the sense that she’s no longer aggressive or agitated and she doesn’t get upset about things in the news or with my difficult BIL anymore. She was in the early stages of dementia in 2016 and it was absolutely awful to see how upset she would get about Trump during that time period. I mean we all were upset of course but w her dementia she absolutely couldn’t handle it at all. My BIL has a lot of issues that have gotten much worse over the past year or so and one of the only “good” things about it is that my MIL is too far into dementia to realize how awful my BIL has gotten because if MIL knew she’d be devastated.

oh god. similar. i am a gov employee and my mom would call me up ranting about all the things she wished would happen to trump. there was no way to stop her, no way to get her to understand that there are things you Just Can't Say on a phone line. It was awful.

She got to be completely unable to use phone by 2019, and became basically non-verbal by 2021. i don't think she knows who i or anyone who she sees is. Although I suspect I could get a negative reaction if i said Trumps name to her...

I can relate to the ranting part and there is no interrupting and no reasoning and no setting boundaries. I had to finally stop calling or visiting when i became mom's "Trump." Everything I do is just awful and everything is my fault. Politics are my fault. Her moods are my fault. It's bizarre and everyone is either evil or a saint. Meds help for a while, but as the brain deteriorates it hard for the social worker to get her to apply with adjustments. I am embarrassed to admit I hope one day she forgets all this rage she has for me and I can be in her life again and just sit outside and enjoy the sunshine with her.

Thought I would also mention long before her more obvious deterioration she had these occasional paranoid and irrational fixations. For example, my parents were friends with a couple for decades. When the wife became sick the husband flew her to the top places in the country and made himself sick ensuring she was comfortable. My mom started having all sorts of suspicions about him and ended up screaming at him on the phone one time when he called to speak to my dad. My dad just gaslight his friend and said that she was just stressed, but when he confronted her she screamed at him. For the record at the funeral, everyone close to them testified to how well he cared for her. My mom still obsesses about him and will say very strange things that none of their friend group could understand. Most of her friend group have since drifted.

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is now in advanced stages of dementia and she is completely non verbal, sedated by all the meds she takes, unaware of things going on in the world or with her family members. So, yes, it’s gotten “better” in the sense that she’s no longer aggressive or agitated and she doesn’t get upset about things in the news or with my difficult BIL anymore. She was in the early stages of dementia in 2016 and it was absolutely awful to see how upset she would get about Trump during that time period. I mean we all were upset of course but w her dementia she absolutely couldn’t handle it at all. My BIL has a lot of issues that have gotten much worse over the past year or so and one of the only “good” things about it is that my MIL is too far into dementia to realize how awful my BIL has gotten because if MIL knew she’d be devastated.

oh god. similar. i am a gov employee and my mom would call me up ranting about all the things she wished would happen to trump. there was no way to stop her, no way to get her to understand that there are things you Just Can't Say on a phone line. It was awful.

She got to be completely unable to use phone by 2019, and became basically non-verbal by 2021. i don't think she knows who i or anyone who she sees is. Although I suspect I could get a negative reaction if i said Trumps name to her...

Protect yourself. Save yourself. What is the likely future for this sister? Once Mom passes, you don't want that burden.

Maybe make your focus a civil way to exit their lives. Keep strengthening relationships with professionals. Eventually get each of them placed where they can be safe, and somewhere they can afford.

They don't get to define your life.

Yes, OP. I noticed something similar with my sibling. They would get upset about something and then parent with dementia would start raging.

I keep things calm and chill with the parent--always a cheery greeting and sign off from calls, always cheerful around them, etc. I don't tell them any problems (could never trust them much even before dementia so that was easy).

Sibling has mental illness and won't get help. Sometimes, it's the parent starting bad things and getting the sibling upset. Parent has screamed our whole lives and can cause either of us a great deal of stress. You really just want to run away when they start screaming at you...

Sibling and parent are similar in many ways.

Anonymous wrote:You need to keep your sibling away from her.

I have zero power to do that nor would I. I explained how upset and aggressive mom gets and suggested confiding in friends and/or a therapist and just sharing good news with mom. This is an adult (and the older sibling) and I cannot tell an adult what to do. I can only share what I see. Social worker protects moms rights and already scared mom off of residential.

You need to keep your sibling away from her.

Anonymous wrote:I can pretty much predict when major world events start or when my often in crisis sibling confides in her about the latest drama, there will be an act of aggression and mom's meds will need to be adjusted. Every single time she has lost her temper at a neighbor, lunged at me, fired a contractor/helper/maid, had a tantrum at a doctor's office or threatened physical harm I can link it to one or the other. She is codependent with my sibling who will never stop confiding in mom about the latest personal crisis and refuses to get mental health help herself.

Do others find this too with early stages of aggressive dementia? Did anyone find it improved as the brain deteriorated instead of getting worse? I see improvement with the right meds, but it never lasts.

Yes, in general, stress aggravates other illnesses, especially mental illnesses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother sounds as if she needs to be in a residential facility tailored to her needs, OP. Is that possible for the family?

I completely agree, but she insists on age in place and has a social worker coordinating care. I have no say because sibling refuses to believe anything is even wrong and is in denial about aggression.

Does the sibling have power-of-attorney? Sometimes adult kids need to lie to their parent and say: "we're going on a visit today" and then sign them into a facility. I don't know if your parent is confused enough for you to do that, though.

Yes, and turned mom against me by saying I was telling her doctors about my concerns. I told mom to her face. I am blocked from having any say at this point and my mother thinks I am out to get her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother sounds as if she needs to be in a residential facility tailored to her needs, OP. Is that possible for the family?

I completely agree, but she insists on age in place and has a social worker coordinating care. I have no say because sibling refuses to believe anything is even wrong and is in denial about aggression.

Does the sibling have power-of-attorney? Sometimes adult kids need to lie to their parent and say: "we're going on a visit today" and then sign them into a facility. I don't know if your parent is confused enough for you to do that, though.

My MIL is now in advanced stages of dementia and she is completely non verbal, sedated by all the meds she takes, unaware of things going on in the world or with her family members. So, yes, it’s gotten “better” in the sense that she’s no longer aggressive or agitated and she doesn’t get upset about things in the news or with my difficult BIL anymore. She was in the early stages of dementia in 2016 and it was absolutely awful to see how upset she would get about Trump during that time period. I mean we all were upset of course but w her dementia she absolutely couldn’t handle it at all. My BIL has a lot of issues that have gotten much worse over the past year or so and one of the only “good” things about it is that my MIL is too far into dementia to realize how awful my BIL has gotten because if MIL knew she’d be devastated.

Anonymous wrote:Your mother sounds as if she needs to be in a residential facility tailored to her needs, OP. Is that possible for the family?

I completely agree, but she insists on age in place and has a social worker coordinating care. I have no say because sibling refuses to believe anything is even wrong and is in denial about aggression.

Your mother sounds as if she needs to be in a residential facility tailored to her needs, OP. Is that possible for the family?

I can pretty much predict when major world events start or when my often in crisis sibling confides in her about the latest drama, there will be an act of aggression and mom's meds will need to be adjusted. Every single time she has lost her temper at a neighbor, lunged at me, fired a contractor/helper/maid, had a tantrum at a doctor's office or threatened physical harm I can link it to one or the other. She is codependent with my sibling who will never stop confiding in mom about the latest personal crisis and refuses to get mental health help herself.

Do others find this too with early stages of aggressive dementia? Did anyone find it improved as the brain deteriorated instead of getting worse? I see improvement with the right meds, but it never lasts.