There is a concrete, objective amout of work it takes to run a house and raise kids. Unless you have a really good reason for it, if you aren’t doing 50%, you are underperforming.

Marriage is a partnership with both spouses pulling their weight in many different areas be it generating income, managing the household etc. etc. While you can’t put a value on each individual contribution it’s pretty easy to tell when one spouse isn’t pulling his or her weight. Not pulling your weight is underperforming. There have been times when I thought my spouse was underperforming on the at home side, but when I look at what he accomplished on the income side I realize he’s performed very nicely. And he’s performed very well as a loving husband.

I would never use that term but conceptually I get it. I think this would vary for every couple depending on how you have divided family labor.

Anonymous wrote:Either wife or husband, I don't care. I'm the wife, BTW, would like to know what underperforming would look like for both me and my husband. Just need a reality check here - am I doing enough? Am I pulling my own weight and then some? Sex, paid work, childcare, house/yard work, emotional load ... all of it valid here.

It's all relative. What I might consider underperforming may be different than what you consider underperforming. If you legitimately want to know if you are underperforming, the person to ask is your spouse, not DCUM.

Anonymous wrote:Underperforming to me would be sitting on your a$$ while your spouse is doing chores. Do you have more free time than they do? Are you doing 50% of the kid chores/activities?

And yeah ducking 1-2x a week helps maintain the marriage and closeness. If you never duck, it's a sign that something is wrong.

True, no ducking means larger more pervasive partner issues you need to sort out.

Anonymous wrote:Either wife or husband, I don't care. I'm the wife, BTW, would like to know what underperforming would look like for both me and my husband. Just need a reality check here - am I doing enough? Am I pulling my own weight and then some? Sex, paid work, childcare, house/yard work, emotional load ... all of it valid here.

Underperform as a spouse could be a mind F to make you “support” whatever selfish plans and agenda your accusor has.

Legitimately “underperforming” spouses are likely not being a team partner in many spousal areas - raising kids, keeping the home nice, health and safety do the family, communicating well with life partner, setting goals and plans for the family, upholding positive values and traditions for the kids/spouse, respecting and connecting the the spouse.

Underperforming to me would be sitting on your a$$ while your spouse is doing chores. Do you have more free time than they do? Are you doing 50% of the kid chores/activities?

And yeah ducking 1-2x a week helps maintain the marriage and closeness. If you never duck, it's a sign that something is wrong.

Underperform means underperform. In absolute and relative terms: subpar, poor performance, lacking in everything, fail.

It means you are employing work speak in all aspects of your life. Implementing performance evaluations for marriage will only work if you both geek out over that kind of stuff.

^^And you think that word salad is going to clarify what people are agreeing to when they marry??

I think it means your spouse is going to leave you, if they're saying things like that. At least be prepared for it.

It means that their baseline level of happiness and satisfaction isn't being met - and they'd rather be alone than deal with it any longer.

First of all, i think that's a terrible term to use in a marriage. Don't use that, don't say that. Having said that, you want to carry your own weight in any kind of relationship. If one feels the other person is not doing that, it will create a crack in your relationship. And the crack will get wider with time. You want to do your share (and more).

In my marriage it boils down to doing what you can, including picking up the slack of what the other person can't do when possible. It's not a job, we're not going to fire each other for not meeting expectations. It's a promise to a friend, which means doing your best, but also both sides forgiving each other when your best isn't a lot.

I'd say at minimum, not adhering to the vows taken.

Either wife or husband, I don't care. I'm the wife, BTW, would like to know what underperforming would look like for both me and my husband. Just need a reality check here - am I doing enough? Am I pulling my own weight and then some? Sex, paid work, childcare, house/yard work, emotional load ... all of it valid here.