I didn’t ask but my child shared her fears about our relationship and gave me a clearly thought out pro/con list. It’s messed up because she sees the situation for all its gray areas as clearly as I do. I told her that’s for grownups to figure out and she comes first and that adults have to make and live with their own choices. She concluded with “I wish daddy would always go on work trips” and I kind of agree.

It helps to hear her say these things because in my mind I think, DC, you are a wise and generous little creature and even though your dad is a hot mess and unkind to boot, some of the best parts of you must come from him so what about our relationship is redeemable?

That’s where I’m at now.

Totally shouldn't put that on the kids. Not their responsibility to decide such a thing.

If your kids want you to divorce you'd already know it.

Otherwise, they are against the idea.

Anonymous wrote:Why would you ask a child about something that does't involve them and is an adult choice that they ultimately have no say. If they say they don't want you to divorce, then what?

This. Are you going to say "Too bad!" and do it anyway?

I think you know, OP, that you're hoping your children will validate your divorce so that you feel less guilty about it. But it's wrong to put them in that position. It's harmful. They'll feel partially responsible for your divorce forever, and if either parent is lonely or unhappy they'll feel responsible for that too. You need to be the adult and own your choices. If you truly feel divorce is best for your family, then do it, and own the choices both positive and negative.

Why would you ask a child about something that does't involve them and is an adult choice that they ultimately have no say. If they say they don't want you to divorce, then what?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No way, this isn't appropriate at all.

There is discernment counseling that can help you decide whether or not to divorce: https://www.familywellnessgroup.com/discernment-marriage-counseling-fairfax-northern-virginia/

Thanks! This is helpful. I only asked because a lot of my friends talk about how they wished their parents had divorced. So i thought what if we asked our kids?

People who say that don’t know what the counterfactual actually would be.

My parents divorced and remarried, giving me not one but TWO failing marriages to witness up close and personal. Then I got to watch two new divorces! Fun times.

This. People love to imagine that if they divorce, life will be better. But nobody ever said "I'm so glad my parents divorced, because they're equally as unhappy in their second marriages. It's totally great to be living in two unhappy homes instead of just one." For some kids it really does work out better, but for some it really doesn't. And the worse your parents' marriage is, the more likely they'll be unhappy in other marriages to. Because wherever you go, there you are.

Terrible idea. Kids don't really understand divorce. They want the fighting to stop, and they are likely to say what they think the adults want to hear, so they might say yes to divorce. But they don't understand the complexities of finances, step families, elder care, second marriage divorces and the loss that entails for them, etc. They aren't going to be able to express a truly meaningful preference. So don't ask them.

Just because your friends say they wished their parents had divorced, does not mean it would have been appropriate for your friends to be asked that question.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No way, this isn't appropriate at all.

There is discernment counseling that can help you decide whether or not to divorce: https://www.familywellnessgroup.com/discernment-marriage-counseling-fairfax-northern-virginia/

Thanks! This is helpful. I only asked because a lot of my friends talk about how they wished their parents had divorced. So i thought what if we asked our kids?

Oh god no. I thought my parents should divorce when I was a teenager, they clearly hated each other. They didn’t and seem to now have a companionable relationship 20 years later, I have no idea what would have been the happier life overall for them. But imagine the burden if they’d asked and I said yes at 16 and then they were unhappy down the road divorced. Or the opposite, I said no and they stayed together and were miserable years later together

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No way, this isn't appropriate at all.

There is discernment counseling that can help you decide whether or not to divorce: https://www.familywellnessgroup.com/discernment-marriage-counseling-fairfax-northern-virginia/

Thanks! This is helpful. I only asked because a lot of my friends talk about how they wished their parents had divorced. So i thought what if we asked our kids?

People who say that don’t know what the counterfactual actually would be.

My parents divorced and remarried, giving me not one but TWO failing marriages to witness up close and personal. Then I got to watch two new divorces! Fun times.

Anonymous wrote:I know of this happening where a child psychologist asked the child of they were afraid of their father and the answer was a major factor in deciding whether to continue the marriage

This isn’t what the OP is asking. That’s a very different question.

OP, obviously divorcing would be a completely inappropriate thing for your kids to weigh in on, regardless of age. What are you thinking??

Anonymous wrote:No way, this isn't appropriate at all.

There is discernment counseling that can help you decide whether or not to divorce: https://www.familywellnessgroup.com/discernment-marriage-counseling-fairfax-northern-virginia/

Thanks! This is helpful. I only asked because a lot of my friends talk about how they wished their parents had divorced. So i thought what if we asked our kids?

I know of this happening where a child psychologist asked the child of they were afraid of their father and the answer was a major factor in deciding whether to continue the marriage

No. Terrible idea. Divorce isn’t about them and you should never involve them in a conversation about your adult relationship

No way, this isn't appropriate at all.

There is discernment counseling that can help you decide whether or not to divorce: https://www.familywellnessgroup.com/discernment-marriage-counseling-fairfax-northern-virginia/

Has anyone asked their children on whether or not they should get divorced? Is it too traumatizing to ask them? If you did ask them, did you act according to their wishes?