Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you asking? How can you nurture togetherness when you aren't together? You can't. This is the kind of thing that drives people to divorce or just having a crappy marriage and makes kids resent one or both parents.

But maybe you're just talking about working part of the weekend? My husband works a lot (big law partner). We still do a lot of family things on the weekend and hang out together most evenings. He often takes kids to their activities and school, we go out to brunch together, etc. I guess the trick is that my husband just really enjoys spending time with family so he does it whenever he can.

We lived like this for our whole marriage, and yes, it ruined a lot of our family. He has always worked 6 days a week (!) and then Sundays were when he would sleep late, relax, etc. I look back and I'm both not surprised at the state of our family and marriage, and simultaneously shocked that I stayed this long despite begging for decades to do something different. Our kids are mostly grown now and it's sad. I'm angry at myself for allowing our children to miss out on normal family time their whole lives. I did as much as I could by myself, but I'm pretty resentful of that, too. It was a recipe for disaster from the start.

Was/does your husband engage in a 6-day working week by choice or financial necessity? (Or, somewhere in the middle--working that much in order to achieve a chosen type of lifestyle?) You said you did as much as you could by yourself, does that mean you were a SAHM or that you had a more traditional work schedule? Curious where the breakdown in expectations/desires happened here.

I come from an extended family where folks working two jobs/taking tough shifts is the norm. It is not ideal, and a failure of public policy for the most part, but I have trouble with the idea that one spouse working 6 days a week can't equate to a "normal family."

I work every other weekend. I work 12s so have days off midweek instead. It worked great for us when DD was little because only needed PT child care.
Now she’s older I still see her more because I take the school and I’m there after school u til bedtime 2-3 times a week.
Spouse and I have “ fun Friday” every other Friday where we have a lunch date or whatever:……

OP, I think it would be helpful if you clarified if he's working weekends because it's shift work (so likely has some off hours on weekdays) or if it's because it's an 80hr+ job where he is working all the time.

My dad had a job like the former when I was at the age of your kids, while my mom was more of a 9-5. It meant he was more likely to pick us up from school or attend games, or what have you, and that mattered more than weekends. Really, it was fine. Plus, in those kinds of jobs things change a lot so he could be off weekends in 1-2 years. If this is the change, I'd focus on his presence during the week.

I’d not remain married, op. You won’t do anything fun as a family, you won’t share memories and experiences, and when you do see your husband he’ll be grumpy because humans aren’t meant to work nights and sleep days. Yes, I know people do, I’m very grateful to those who do but I also don’t have to remained married to one of them.

If say, you met him doing whatever weekend work he does and were attracted to him partly because of the weekend work, I might have a different answer. If you were happy with this, I might have a different answer. If you had raised kids this way all along and liked it, I’d have a difo I’d not remain married, op. You won’t do anything fun as a family, you won’t share memories and experiences, and when you do see your husband he’ll be grumpy because humans aren’t meant to work nights and sleep days. Yes, I know people do, I’m very grateful to those who do but I also don’t have to remained married to one of them.

If say, you met him doing whatever weekend work he does and were attracted to him partly because of the weekend work, I might have a different answer. If you were happy with this, I might have a different answer. If you had raised kids this way all along and liked it, I’d have a different answer. You probably didn’t, you aren’t and you haven’t, so no need for you to live this way now. For those that have made it work I’m
I’d not remain married, op. You won’t do anything fun as a family, you won’t share memories and experiences, and when you do see your husband he’ll be grumpy because humans aren’t meant to work nights and sleep days. Yes, I know people do, I’m very grateful to those who do but I also don’t have to remained married to one of them.

If say, you met him doing whatever weekend work he does and were attracted to him partly because of the weekend work, I might have a different answer. If you were happy with this, I might have a different answer. If you had raised kids this way all along and liked it, I’d have a different answer. You probably didn’t, you aren’t and you haven’t, so no need for you to live this way now. For those that have made it work I’m happy for you. OP shouldn't have to be one of them just because it worked for you.
se that have made it work I’m

Anonymous wrote:What are you asking? How can you nurture togetherness when you aren't together? You can't. This is the kind of thing that drives people to divorce or just having a crappy marriage and makes kids resent one or both parents.

But maybe you're just talking about working part of the weekend? My husband works a lot (big law partner). We still do a lot of family things on the weekend and hang out together most evenings. He often takes kids to their activities and school, we go out to brunch together, etc. I guess the trick is that my husband just really enjoys spending time with family so he does it whenever he can.

We lived like this for our whole marriage, and yes, it ruined a lot of our family. He has always worked 6 days a week (!) and then Sundays were when he would sleep late, relax, etc. I look back and I'm both not surprised at the state of our family and marriage, and simultaneously shocked that I stayed this long despite begging for decades to do something different. Our kids are mostly grown now and it's sad. I'm angry at myself for allowing our children to miss out on normal family time their whole lives. I did as much as I could by myself, but I'm pretty resentful of that, too. It was a recipe for disaster from the start.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a performing artist, so he normally works evenings (late) and weekends. The day off is Monday .

You can certainly make it work if you don’t get hung up on “normal family weekend”. If he is not working 24/7, you can still find time to be together and time for him to spend with the kids.

If OP's kids were toddlers/preschoolers I'd agree with you. But her kids are 11 and 13. They are in school during the day and probably do sports or other activities after school. Middle school (and older) kids can't just stay home every Monday to have quality family time with Dad.

PP. our kid is 10, we are going to be fine at 11 and 13. The dad is often home during the day/late afternoon, plus the weekend mornings.

Anonymous wrote:My good friend's husband is a doctor who has to work many weekends. His schedule varies but they make it work. He spends lots of time with the kids. The kids are younger but they make it work.

You said "they make it work" twice, but didn't explain how.

What is "lots of time with the kids?" Can you quantify it?

My good friend's husband is a doctor who has to work many weekends. His schedule varies but they make it work. He spends lots of time with the kids. The kids are younger but they make it work.

Anonymous wrote:How is this a promotion ?

Sounds like a position promotion but to a worse shift. It is how they get people to work weekend nights. Congrats you are promoted to supervisor / manager but all we have right now is the weekend night shift. Depending on how much of a pay increase it comes with or potential for further promotion you have to weigh that against the downside of weekend night shift work.

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a performing artist, so he normally works evenings (late) and weekends. The day off is Monday .

You can certainly make it work if you don’t get hung up on “normal family weekend”. If he is not working 24/7, you can still find time to be together and time for him to spend with the kids.

If OP's kids were toddlers/preschoolers I'd agree with you. But her kids are 11 and 13. They are in school during the day and probably do sports or other activities after school. Middle school (and older) kids can't just stay home every Monday to have quality family time with Dad.

My husband is a performing artist, so he normally works evenings (late) and weekends. The day off is Monday .

You can certainly make it work if you don’t get hung up on “normal family weekend”. If he is not working 24/7, you can still find time to be together and time for him to spend with the kids.

When is his down time?

What are you asking? How can you nurture togetherness when you aren't together? You can't. This is the kind of thing that drives people to divorce or just having a crappy marriage and makes kids resent one or both parents.

But maybe you're just talking about working part of the weekend? My husband works a lot (big law partner). We still do a lot of family things on the weekend and hang out together most evenings. He often takes kids to their activities and school, we go out to brunch together, etc. I guess the trick is that my husband just really enjoys spending time with family so he does it whenever he can.

How is this a promotion ?

DH was recently promoted and will soon begin working pretty much every weekend. We have an 11yo and a 13yo. It just dawned on me that we won’t have normal weekend family time soon, and I don’t know how to feel about this! I was so focused on the ‘sleep all day, work all night’ aspect that I hadn’t even considered the fact that we will miss him every weekend.

Tell me what it’s like and how you nurture togetherness when a parent is gone/asleep most weekends. Thanks in advance.