Anonymous wrote:The title is wrong. You aren't frigid. You just don't want to have sex with a man you have come to resent and look down on (which I don't blame you).

PSA to men: most women don't want to have sex with men that they dislike.

Also most women come to dislike most men if they spend enough time with those men.

Anonymous wrote:You sound miserable, OP.

Please do your husband a favor and divorce him; he deserves so much better.

What do you base this on? I understand we only have her side here, but nothing she said about him as a partner or parent makes me pity him so I'm not sure where you got that unless you're just kneejerk Team Guy on every thread.

This sounds like a vicious cycle.

I wonder what would happen if you reacted positively to the "Hey, I asked about your day and cleaned the kitchen once." What if you smiled and said, "Yeah! I liked that! What are you gonna do for me today?" and then wiggle your eyebrows at him.

I'm being slightly silly here, but the idea is that vicious cycles gain a lot of momentum. They won't be stopped by ONE conversation or ONE wiping down of the kitchen counter. Understand that your feelings lead to your actions which lead to your feelings which lead to your actions, and so on. So at some point, if you honestly want to change the dynamic, then you have to fake your feelings and focus on actions. In all likelihood the feelings will follow sustained change in behavior.

I don't blame you, OP, this sounds miserable, but I also think that you can change more than you think. And if you can't, well, at least you tried to have your cake (stay married) and eat it too (with warmth and good sex too).

You sound miserable, OP.

Please do your husband a favor and divorce him; he deserves so much better.

Anonymous wrote:I feel so sorry for your husband. You clearly do not love him. Why on earth would you do anything to please you?

Why on earth would she love a man who does jacksh1t around the house, including parenting his own children?

I'll repeat again: most men should not have children. They cannot handle it. They cannot deal with giving up their selfish lifestyle.

This is so many marriages among my friends - the wife says hubby is hitting her up for more sex and she's like why do you possibly think i'd want to have sex with you when you just let me shoulder so much of the burden in our lives while you "try your best"

Anonymous wrote:The title is wrong. You aren't frigid. You just don't want to have sex with a man you have come to resent and look down on (which I don't blame you).

PSA to men: most women don't want to have sex with men that they dislike.

Honestly it sounds like the feeling is mutual in this situation, which is common. There’s probably contempt on both sides and enough blame for that to go around. If they want to fix the problem, that’s one thing but if they’re going to focus on fixing blame, they aren’t going to get anywhere.

An intact family where this sort of relationship is modeled is terrible for children. They’re better off divorced.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's fallen out of love with you and his life. I think your two choices are 1. Divorce or 2. Just live your life as you please and let go of the idea of a happy marriage

This is so fatalistic. It gives OP the affirmation she craves for her choice to hate her DH (and maybe he deserves it) but it does nothing to note any options other than divorce or "live as you please." She could instead drop the bomb on her DH that he has a h*rny wife whom he's driven away, and if he wants her back he needs to engage in the things she says he ignores.

Just to make sure you’ve thought this through, if he did certain things that you can list for him, he’d get more sex and he knows this? Sounds hard to imagine and like there’s more to this. Either he’s not interested in you so won’t try, or you’re not interested in him and are rationalizing why. In any case there are other issues than his performative actions and fundamentally the two of you don’t seem to be communicating about whatever the issues are.

I feel so sorry for your husband. You clearly do not love him. Why on earth would you do anything to please you?

"We've tried therapy." Maybe you had a dud therapist who only repackaged what you both said and fed it back to you and gave you zero "homework" to try to achieve specific goals in the relationship--? From the tone of the whole post I figure you are now unwilling to make any more effort at all in the marriage so I won't point out that sometimes the issue is the therapist. I suggest you do individual therapy, not couples therapy, now, to figure out why you are unable to speak to your DH and say all the things you say in your post to total strangers. Maybe you think you've said them, but he hasn't actually heard you.

Oh, and opening up the marriage -- how DCUM loves that idea! -- is a sure path to divorce eventually anyway, so you can either go for open marriage and expect eventual divorce (undoing your whole "we can keep it together for the kids" expectation), or you stay where you are and work on things, or you divorce now before your kids are any older, so the kids can get used to split households sooner and can make that their normal.

As for that middle option, work on things: As a PP above noted: Do you love him at all? Did you ever? If he changed, what happened and why? If you feel the whole domestic load is on you, why tolerate that and why not tell him he can pick doing specific things but if he won't, they don't get done by you? If you hate the phone time, why not commit for both of you to have certain phone-free hours each day? Even watching a show sitting next to each other is more interactive than his sitting around using his phone.

Have you told him as bluntly as you have told us that your sex drive is high and he's losing out every single day? Or do you keep that all in your head?

The title is wrong. You aren't frigid. You just don't want to have sex with a man you have come to resent and look down on (which I don't blame you).

PSA to men: most women don't want to have sex with men that they dislike.

Sounds like he's fallen out of love with you and his life. I think your two choices are 1. Divorce or 2. Just live your life as you please and let go of the idea of a happy marriage

I cannot relate to this at all. Do you even love the guy?

I imagine i'll get flamed a bunch of different ways for this, but I guess putting it out there anyway to see if any other wives feel the same or help husbands see their situation differently (or visa versa if roles are flipped).

I'm 40 and my husband would say i've lost interest in sex. we very very very rarely have sex and I overall show little physical affection towards him. But I haven't lost interest in sex at all! I am still very into it, take care of it myself, and would be having plenty of it if I was single...what i've lost is interest in sex with him. I don't understand how he thinks i'd be attracted to him when he spend his time sitting around on his phone instead of interacting wit his family, when he's so fine watching me take care of so much of the domestic load while he hides from it even though we're supposed to be partners, when he makes a 5 minute attempt at being a "good dad" and then gets frustrated and withdraws from our kids when they don't listen to him, when he doesn't do simple things that he knows would make me more physically attracted to him, when he uses all his people energy for people at work and leaves nothing left for his personal relationships.

I'm sure i'll get the comment "well if you're not having sex with him, don't be surprised if someone looks elsewhere" and honestly that would be fine with me because it'd mean i could too. I've even hinted at an open relationship and he's shown no interest in having that convo. I've also stated the problem fairly clearly to him and he does the half asked "well i asked you about your day yesterday and cleaned up the kitchen once" like that changes years of the dynamic

We are able to get along ok enough for it to be worth it to keep an intact family for the kids and both of us would prefer that to divorcing for more fulfilling romantic lives (we both have experience with divorce and appreciate how little kids care about if their parents relationship is close and fulfilling as long as its peaceful and a calm household). But I guess as a PSA, if you think your wife had kids and closed up shop no longer having time and interest in having sex - i'd bet my money its alive and well in her imagination and the problem isn't her sex drive

also for other common comments - yes we've tried therapy, he just has very little need for any interpersonal connections and isn't interested in changing that. and no i didn't know he was like this before we got married because he wasn't like this while we were dating and once married we got on to kids quickly bc of our age