My ILs include me on family wide emails but they email directly just with my DH. They also only call my DH. My parents only call me except they call DH directly on his birthday. Everyone gets along well and there is no drama but that's just how it is.

I know that ILs primary communicate with their other DIL about that side of the family. DH's brother is a surgeon and is crap at communicating so his wife does all the heavy lifting. We also primarily communicate with her.

I disliked that my ILs were secretive but now looking back, they were financially dependent on him and also had lot of drama in their family which was embarrassing for my hubby to share and he went along with that. It was irritating in beginning but later I felt thankful staying out of it.

My in laws communicate with me directly as relevant, as do my parents with my DH. However, each has a good gauge on whether they should be dealing with their own child directly or contacting both of us.

We have a group text with all four of us. So I just send the text out into the group and whichever of them knows the answer, answers.

I would start by ccing child + significant other on all communication. If significant other asks to be removed, I would respect that.

Follow their lead.

My parents would never dream of speaking to my husband about any 'issues'. Luckily, we haven't had any, but she would come directly to me. For gifts and plans she comes to me.

As for his parents, he deals directly with them, when they pop up which is not often. He 100% shields me from them, which I appreciate.

Do you deal directly with your adult child's significant other or through your child? Like making any plans, giving gifts etc etc?

If you read family or relationship forums, it seems most young folks doesn't want to deal with ILs, specially MIL-DIL dynamics seem trickier. Obviously a lot is person and situation dependent but what's a good general approach?