My sister would disappear and cut off contact with my parents and her siblings for years at a time. She was mentally ill, homeless at times and an alcoholic. Eventually she asked my mom for help and my mom supported her. She died of alcoholism. Anyway, her mental problems and delusional thinking were the reason she cut off my parents.

There are some cult-like subcultures that young adults get involved in that encourage them to cut off parents. It might be that they are being brainwashed, experiencing mental illness, or are making sketchy life choices and don't want you to witness them (or all of those things together). You might not have done anything wrong, and you also might not be able to do anything about the estrangement until the conditions change. DH and I have been estranged from our child for several years and we send occasional short emails wishing him well. That's all we can do.

Anonymous wrote:Would entirely depend on the situation. Usually people don't cut their parents out of their lives completely without some precipitating event or series of events, despite what some folks who have been cut off by their adult kids will try to tell you.

There's always a reason.

Personally, I would never give up on a relationship with my child because it's too important to me. But I also think that because that relationship is very important to me, I take steps to ensure it stays healthy, and seek to resolve issues or conflicts that could jeopardize it down the road. So I don't worry that much about my kid just one day waking up and deciding not to talk to me anymore.

+1

I’d never give up on my children.

But, I’d have to strike a balance between respecting their need for space with wanting to make sure I’ve done everything I can to repair the relationship.

Operationally, this means I would never change my phone number or address. I’d make sure I’m easy to contact and easy to find if they changed their mind.

And I would reach out once or twice a year (maybe on their birthday or Christmas or both), probably in writing, and probably through the Mail, saying I love them and will always love them and will do whatever it takes to have a relationship with them.

I would also try to maintain contact with any person who is still in touch with my child (eg-another relative). And would keep that line of communication open in case my child wanted to share anything with me via back channels (and vice versa, assuming the relative and my child were receptive).

I’m 50 and may never speak to my dad again as of last week. His functional alcoholism of decades has become dysfunctional. He got a DUI and I’m basically done.

I am a middle-aged child and I have stopped talking to my parents at times. They are ultra conservative and are strange with my kids--they never come to visit but visit my sister and her kids a few times a year. They don't send my kids actual gifts but old items from my room. They are also really don't sound proud or engaged when I tell them about my kids success. My daughter is very academically advanced and my mom doesn't think AAP or gifted is good. When my Father in law died I called and asked them about end of life preferences snd all they wanted to know about was how much DH was inheriting. I sometimes feel like they are on a different planet. We just can't connect. I can't make them care about their grandchildren or me, so there is nothing to do about it. Talking to them and hearing about how they visited my sister just makes me feel bad. (To be clear, we don't have the financial resources to travel to see them. They are very financially comfortable.)

Anonymous wrote:https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

I would seek therapy for myself and ask myself what blind spots I have that led me to miss the problem until it got really bad.

+1

Anonymous wrote:https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

I would seek therapy for myself and ask myself what blind spots I have that led me to miss the problem until it got really bad.

Yes. This.

I would never ever 'just ignore' my kids, no matter how old they get.

I’d be sad. I’d look within OP. It takes two to tango.

I would wonder if either I have developed worse behavior patterns or if my middle aged child is dealing with increasing mental health issues. Or both.

I was tempted to cut my mom off in middle age, because her anxiety was off the charts and she was super mean, at the same time I was trying to get my own spiraling anxiety under control. Same genetics and unfortunately same emotional environment.

My therapist even suggested cutting off my family for a while, but I knew that would only led to more intense problems with them later and they would definitely not seek to understand. So I did low contact and developed ways of dealing. Fell apart when they finally died, mainly from the mental and physical exhaustion of dealing with them.

https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

I would seek therapy for myself and ask myself what blind spots I have that led me to miss the problem until it got really bad.

Would entirely depend on the situation. Usually people don't cut their parents out of their lives completely without some precipitating event or series of events, despite what some folks who have been cut off by their adult kids will try to tell you.

There's always a reason.

Personally, I would never give up on a relationship with my child because it's too important to me. But I also think that because that relationship is very important to me, I take steps to ensure it stays healthy, and seek to resolve issues or conflicts that could jeopardize it down the road. So I don't worry that much about my kid just one day waking up and deciding not to talk to me anymore.

How are are you? How old are they? And what do you suspect the reason might be?

Would you attempt to reconnect with them, or would you just ignore them?