Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you divorce, stop doing anything that benefits him. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Don't help him find his car keys, buy a gift for his mother, or make his colonoscopy appointment. No affection or intimacy of course. Treat him like a platonic roommate you found on Craigslist. Then perhaps he will see all you do for him and how much work it is. Maybe he will start to appreciate you. But honestly, I doubt it! You have my blessing to skip straight to divorce if all that sounds unappealing.

Getting passive aggressive isn’t helpful nor will it have that result you fantasize about.

Divorce is an option but don’t expect it to be a panacea and understand you lose daily access to your child.

OP here. That's why I don't want to divorce, I don't want to not see my kid everyday. And honestly, she will HATE that too.

without divorce the household just becomes bitter and unhappy (at best). divorce in your case does NOT have to mean 50-50.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you divorce, stop doing anything that benefits him. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Don't help him find his car keys, buy a gift for his mother, or make his colonoscopy appointment. No affection or intimacy of course. Treat him like a platonic roommate you found on Craigslist. Then perhaps he will see all you do for him and how much work it is. Maybe he will start to appreciate you. But honestly, I doubt it! You have my blessing to skip straight to divorce if all that sounds unappealing.

Getting passive aggressive isn’t helpful nor will it have that result you fantasize about.

Divorce is an option but don’t expect it to be a panacea and understand you lose daily access to your child.

Men like her DH don’t want 50% custody!

OP if you’re smart about the way you go about presenting separation to him, you can probably work out something that really improves your life. My DH sounds identical to yours. Luckily our finances are pretty straightforward and I was able to propose a financial settlement that he had no problem with. I knew he didn’t want 50-50 but loves to travel with DH so I said “what about you get Thursday and Friday nights, plus as many trips as you want.” I also offered that he could come over in the evenings (which I doubt he will.) Even though with this custody split I could have asked for some child support, I didn’t because it was a small amount (like $200/month) and I didn’t want to jeopardize the custody amount.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you divorce, stop doing anything that benefits him. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Don't help him find his car keys, buy a gift for his mother, or make his colonoscopy appointment. No affection or intimacy of course. Treat him like a platonic roommate you found on Craigslist. Then perhaps he will see all you do for him and how much work it is. Maybe he will start to appreciate you. But honestly, I doubt it! You have my blessing to skip straight to divorce if all that sounds unappealing.

Op here. I don't do his laundry, just mine and DD's. We outsource with a housecleaner 2x a month, but any other maintenance cleaning, like dishes, wiping down counters, taking out trash, picking up, vacuum, making the bed, etc. he just does not do. Not only that, he stays up late and leaves trash and dishes out when he goes to bed, so I come downstairs at 5am and start my day by picking up cereal bowls and snack wrappers.

He doesn't take DD to activities except the rare occasion I have an after work event. He has nothing to do with DD and school (homework, conferences, paper work, lunch money, etc). Never schedules or attends a dr appt. Never has bought her clothes, certainly couldn't tell you her clothing or shoe size.

There was one day I was WFH and I got DD ready, took her to the bus, came home, started work, worked for 2 hours and he was still sleeping. I waited to see how long he would sleep before realizing HE HAD WORK and I let him go till after 9:30 before I woke him up because then I worried he might miss a meeting and get fired and that would suck more than proving a point.

The only thing he appears to care about is work. He is focused and motivated there, but that's it. I've said multiple times that I can't do it all with the job I have. I'm literally drowning and am so tired.

He doesn't care about affection or intimacy, so that's not even a source of leverage. It feels hopeless.

I'm not sure how much he cares about his work if he's sleeping in during the work week.

At this point, I would not offload any childcare to him because I would be afraid he half a$$es it. I would not want my kid to be late to school or do badly on a HW because the dad couldn't be bothered. It's one thing to have the dad suffer, but another to let the kid suffer because the dad is such a lazy, selfish, ahole.

I think you guys need marital counseling.

I'll repeat: most men should not have children. They cannot handle it. They can just about handle their own lives: going to work, feeding himself. Throw in a young child who needs someone to do all that for them and more, and those men get lost.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you divorce, stop doing anything that benefits him. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Don't help him find his car keys, buy a gift for his mother, or make his colonoscopy appointment. No affection or intimacy of course. Treat him like a platonic roommate you found on Craigslist. Then perhaps he will see all you do for him and how much work it is. Maybe he will start to appreciate you. But honestly, I doubt it! You have my blessing to skip straight to divorce if all that sounds unappealing.

Op here. I don't do his laundry, just mine and DD's. We outsource with a housecleaner 2x a month, but any other maintenance cleaning, like dishes, wiping down counters, taking out trash, picking up, vacuum, making the bed, etc. he just does not do. Not only that, he stays up late and leaves trash and dishes out when he goes to bed, so I come downstairs at 5am and start my day by picking up cereal bowls and snack wrappers.

He doesn't take DD to activities except the rare occasion I have an after work event. He has nothing to do with DD and school (homework, conferences, paper work, lunch money, etc). Never schedules or attends a dr appt. Never has bought her clothes, certainly couldn't tell you her clothing or shoe size.

There was one day I was WFH and I got DD ready, took her to the bus, came home, started work, worked for 2 hours and he was still sleeping. I waited to see how long he would sleep before realizing HE HAD WORK and I let him go till after 9:30 before I woke him up because then I worried he might miss a meeting and get fired and that would suck more than proving a point.

The only thing he appears to care about is work. He is focused and motivated there, but that's it. I've said multiple times that I can't do it all with the job I have. I'm literally drowning and am so tired.

He doesn't care about affection or intimacy, so that's not even a source of leverage. It feels hopeless.

How focused can he be at work if he has trouble waking up on time?

Oh please, this lout won't want to be a full time parent once he divorces.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you divorce, stop doing anything that benefits him. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Don't help him find his car keys, buy a gift for his mother, or make his colonoscopy appointment. No affection or intimacy of course. Treat him like a platonic roommate you found on Craigslist. Then perhaps he will see all you do for him and how much work it is. Maybe he will start to appreciate you. But honestly, I doubt it! You have my blessing to skip straight to divorce if all that sounds unappealing.

Getting passive aggressive isn’t helpful nor will it have that result you fantasize about.

Divorce is an option but don’t expect it to be a panacea and understand you lose daily access to your child.

OP here. That's why I don't want to divorce, I don't want to not see my kid everyday. And honestly, she will HATE that too.

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t OP figure this out when the kid was 1 and change course? It’s much more ingrained now 8 years later.

Op here. Because it wasn't like this when DD was 1. It honestly was so much better when she was younger and he WOH vs. WFH. This has generally gotten so much worse since he's started WFH and then got even worse since he started a new job a year ago.

Anonymous wrote:Before you divorce, stop doing anything that benefits him. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Don't help him find his car keys, buy a gift for his mother, or make his colonoscopy appointment. No affection or intimacy of course. Treat him like a platonic roommate you found on Craigslist. Then perhaps he will see all you do for him and how much work it is. Maybe he will start to appreciate you. But honestly, I doubt it! You have my blessing to skip straight to divorce if all that sounds unappealing.

Getting passive aggressive isn’t helpful nor will it have that result you fantasize about.

Divorce is an option but don’t expect it to be a panacea and understand you lose daily access to your child.

Anonymous wrote:Before you divorce, stop doing anything that benefits him. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Don't help him find his car keys, buy a gift for his mother, or make his colonoscopy appointment. No affection or intimacy of course. Treat him like a platonic roommate you found on Craigslist. Then perhaps he will see all you do for him and how much work it is. Maybe he will start to appreciate you. But honestly, I doubt it! You have my blessing to skip straight to divorce if all that sounds unappealing.

Op here. I don't do his laundry, just mine and DD's. We outsource with a housecleaner 2x a month, but any other maintenance cleaning, like dishes, wiping down counters, taking out trash, picking up, vacuum, making the bed, etc. he just does not do. Not only that, he stays up late and leaves trash and dishes out when he goes to bed, so I come downstairs at 5am and start my day by picking up cereal bowls and snack wrappers.

He doesn't take DD to activities except the rare occasion I have an after work event. He has nothing to do with DD and school (homework, conferences, paper work, lunch money, etc). Never schedules or attends a dr appt. Never has bought her clothes, certainly couldn't tell you her clothing or shoe size.

There was one day I was WFH and I got DD ready, took her to the bus, came home, started work, worked for 2 hours and he was still sleeping. I waited to see how long he would sleep before realizing HE HAD WORK and I let him go till after 9:30 before I woke him up because then I worried he might miss a meeting and get fired and that would suck more than proving a point.

The only thing he appears to care about is work. He is focused and motivated there, but that's it. I've said multiple times that I can't do it all with the job I have. I'm literally drowning and am so tired.

He doesn't care about affection or intimacy, so that's not even a source of leverage. It feels hopeless.

Why didn’t OP figure this out when the kid was 1 and change course? It’s much more ingrained now 8 years later.

Pay for help. Pay yourself for your larger share of home work.

Before you divorce, stop doing anything that benefits him. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Don't help him find his car keys, buy a gift for his mother, or make his colonoscopy appointment. No affection or intimacy of course. Treat him like a platonic roommate you found on Craigslist. Then perhaps he will see all you do for him and how much work it is. Maybe he will start to appreciate you. But honestly, I doubt it! You have my blessing to skip straight to divorce if all that sounds unappealing.

Well you could stop doing anything for him. Cooking cleaning laundry shopping etc. make food for you and dd, so only your own laundry, etc. you could leave town for a week. You could go to counseling with ultimatum. Sorry to say if you divorce you will still be picking up the pieces most of the time in terms I parentjng (all the school forms scheduling etc).

I’ve heard of fair play cards here but doesn’t sound like your spouse is open to it (probably better for people who think they are doing half, this guy just thinks it’s all a drag.)

Hi OP. In our case - divorce. This is a completely reasonable thing to divorce over. You can outsource more to make it easier on yourself but that won’t make the resentment go away. I suppose if you still have any affection for him you can try therapy.

I WOH full time+ in a demanding job. DH WFH full time+ in a demanding job. We make very similar incomes. However, I am the primary parent to our DD, capital P. All of the mental load and most of actual labor too, both household and parenting. He loves to criticize how I do all of it, meanwhile I don't think he moved from the couch in 10 hours yesterday, surfing the internet and playing video games. We'd just had a long conversation about how overwhelmed I am and I need more help and that's how he responds. I lost my sh*t on him because there was a giant pile of laundry to be put away, meanwhile I'm simultaneously cooking and helping DD with homework. He responded by telling me how miserable I make things around the house and basically what a drag it is to participate in anything in regards to parenting or around the house.

I can't handle it anymore. I told him my life would probably be easier if I was single because there would be less mess and life would just be more easy going. I'm already doing 98% of everything, the 2% or so he does participate in is not worth the hassle. I was late to work today because DD was having a tantrum not being able to find something and he just laid in bed. DD has to wake him up most days to make sure he gets her to the bus on time (that's one of his few contributions). He thinks I'm overreacting being upset that an 8 year old has to wake up her own father most days.

Sorry, I know I'm rambling, but I'm just so upset right now. I don't know how to get him to hear me and how to get us out of this awful cycle we are in.