Anonymous
08/21/2023 11:31
Subject: Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do
Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have been married for 2 years and we’re both in our very early 30s. We have talked about having kids in the general “we both want them but we’re so young so we’ll plan it more specifically when we’re in our 30s” way since we started dating 6 years ago. I brought it up to him again a few weeks ago hoping to start a more specific conversation about timeline. I’ll be 32 next year and think we should start trying around then but wanted to know what he’s thinking.
He shared a lot of vulnerable thoughts with me in response. I’m grateful he did. He shared how he’s scared of how much it will change our lives (it will), how much he loves our life in DC as it is, how hard it would be to do it here without either of our families, how hard it would also be to move to one of our hometown areas and leave the other one even farther from their family. I feel a lot of those things too, but I’ve known I wanted to be a mom my whole life. I’m confident that we can do this together and that it is what I want.
We had another conversation in follow up and it’s become clear that he isn’t sure he even wants to have kids. He isn’t a definite “no” but he is very hesitant. I’m devastated by this.
I figured that if we tried to have a child and it didn’t work for whatever biological reason, then I would mourn that and eventually find peace with it. But the prospect that I don’t even get to try to make my dream a reality is just…heartbreaking.
I can’t and won’t try to convince him. I know that children should be totally wanted by both parents. And I’d probably make myself insane if I did “convince” him - I know I’d burn myself out taking on more of the work and essentially performing so as to convince him parenthood isn’t as bad as he feared.
I don’t know what I’m asking of DCUM here. I love him desperately and I’m just so sad. Has anyone been through this? How do I not grow to resent him? Do I try to convince him? Can I be happy?
You have been dating since 27, and only got married 2 years ago after FOUR years of dating?
He fing strung you along. WTAF took him so long to get married?
At 27 you are not "too young" to decide if you want kids or not, FFS.
Anonymous
08/21/2023 11:30
Subject: Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do
Anonymous wrote:This is just me, but what about being more assertive? Just say “I never would have married you if I knew you didn’t want kids. I get that you’re hesistant but you need to get over it.”
Ok maybe not "get over it" but this would have been my take. I would have been pissed. Having children was a shared life value that we both very much wanted and discussed before getting married. We wouldn't have gotten past the first 5 dates if my DH had been shaky on wanting kids, I would have been gone. My DH and I would talk about how our lives would change, but it was more in a "wow that's crazy" sort of way, not in a "I don't want that" way. Yes, children change your entire life. It's definitely good to understand and know that. But this isn't new information either.
OP, I'm sorry.
Anonymous
08/21/2023 11:29
Subject: Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do
Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people have similar fears about becoming a parent. But men don’t seem to have the same biological clock that women do. I agree that you shouldn’t have to talk your DH into having kids, but it sounds like he may need some gentle nudging to overcome this hesitation.
Do you have any friends with kids? Are any of his guy friends dads? I was the first in our circle of friends to have a baby and my DH would tell his buddies how amazing it is to be a dad. I think it’s hard to envision the positive aspects of parenting. We used to live in DC and go out to lots of happy hours and concerts and dinners etc. Now we live in the suburbs and have lots of backyard hang outs and meeting at playgrounds with neighbors and friends. It’s totally different but still fun.
I think the frank truth about having kids these days, and how hard it is is unless you are wealthy or have grandparents as next door neighbors, is more widely known.
When I had kids 15 years ago, there were no mommy or daddy blogs or podcasts, so I thought you had kids, stuck them in daycare, maybe had dinner and that was it. I grew up a latchkey kid, with a very distant uninvolved dad so I didn't think it would impact life much. That is NOT the modern era and not really feasible, and everything about kids is so much more expensive now (and when did strollers become a defacto luxe item?).
So I think getting frank answers from other dads will not help him; he'll see the "joy" but make note of their haggard look, dad bod because no time for gym, etc.
How wealthy are you? Can you SAHM and basically let him work and you rear the kids and never the twain shall meet? Even that will be unattractive to him, as he knows you will have less libido and time for him, and likely you'll want to move to a house with a yard and be all suburban.
If you are 32, you are pretty late in the game and he is a total D for not voicing this years ago when you could have divorced and remarried without a ticking clock. I honestly think he tried to trap you by the delaying.
Anonymous
08/21/2023 11:26
Subject: Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do
Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have been married for 2 years and we’re both in our very early 30s. We have talked about having kids in the general “we both want them but we’re so young so we’ll plan it more specifically when we’re in our 30s” way since we started dating 6 years ago. I brought it up to him again a few weeks ago hoping to start a more specific conversation about timeline. I’ll be 32 next year and think we should start trying around then but wanted to know what he’s thinking.
He shared a lot of vulnerable thoughts with me in response. I’m grateful he did. He shared how he’s scared of how much it will change our lives (it will), how much he loves our life in DC as it is, how hard it would be to do it here without either of our families, how hard it would also be to move to one of our hometown areas and leave the other one even farther from their family. I feel a lot of those things too, but I’ve known I wanted to be a mom my whole life. I’m confident that we can do this together and that it is what I want.
We had another conversation in follow up and it’s become clear that he isn’t sure he even wants to have kids. He isn’t a definite “no” but he is very hesitant. I’m devastated by this.
I figured that if we tried to have a child and it didn’t work for whatever biological reason, then I would mourn that and eventually find peace with it. But the prospect that I don’t even get to try to make my dream a reality is just…heartbreaking.
I can’t and won’t try to convince him. I know that children should be totally wanted by both parents. And I’d probably make myself insane if I did “convince” him - I know I’d burn myself out taking on more of the work and essentially performing so as to convince him parenthood isn’t as bad as he feared.
I don’t know what I’m asking of DCUM here. I love him desperately and I’m just so sad. Has anyone been through this? How do I not grow to resent him? Do I try to convince him? Can I be happy?
Everyone has those fears. Most get over them, but parenting is a leap of faith. Keep talking both about emotions and logistics, but there is no shame in sharing your deepest fear: you can’t be happy without trying for kids within a year (or whatever). You might be accepting, but you won’t be fulfilled, content, happy. Make sure he knows the real truth of your pain.
Anonymous
08/21/2023 11:23
Subject: Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do
Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I don't want kids so I understand how he feels. But it's so shi**y to put a thirty something woman in this position. I am a woman and I was always upfront with men I dated that I wanted to get married but probably didn't want kids and they needed to be ok with that. I wasted several years of my thirties dating two different men who claimed they were fine with that and then broke up with me claiming they wanted kids.
Anyway. Some people are ok with having kids or not having kids. Some are not. It sounds like you want kids and are not in the "either way is fine" camp. In that case, I would probably give him a few months to mull this over and if he doesnt want kids, I would start considering divorce. You could also consider freezing your eggs.
Ask yourself, if you find yourself 45 and divorced and widowed, are you going to be ok with the fact you dont have kids?
Especially if he then remarries a younger woman and starts a family. As it is he's making a permanent decision for her without really sacrificing anything himself.
Anonymous
08/21/2023 11:22
Subject: Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do
Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I don't want kids so I understand how he feels. But it's so shi**y to put a thirty something woman in this position. I am a woman and I was always upfront with men I dated that I wanted to get married but probably didn't want kids and they needed to be ok with that. I wasted several years of my thirties dating two different men who claimed they were fine with that and then broke up with me claiming they wanted kids.
Anyway. Some people are ok with having kids or not having kids. Some are not. It sounds like you want kids and are not in the "either way is fine" camp. In that case, I would probably give him a few months to mull this over and if he doesnt want kids, I would start considering divorce. You could also consider freezing your eggs.
Ask yourself, if you find yourself 45 and divorced and widowed, are you going to be ok with the fact you dont have kids?
yeah. he had NO business dating and marrying her if he was going to pull this move. truly despicable.
Anonymous
08/21/2023 11:22
Subject: Re:Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do
You leave. File for divorce and go.
You can easily love another person. You can't easily stop wanting kids if you have wanted them your whole life.
You can easily love another person. You can't easily stop wanting kids if you have wanted them your whole life.
Anonymous
08/21/2023 11:20
Subject: Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do
Ugh. I don't want kids so I understand how he feels. But it's so shi**y to put a thirty something woman in this position. I am a woman and I was always upfront with men I dated that I wanted to get married but probably didn't want kids and they needed to be ok with that. I wasted several years of my thirties dating two different men who claimed they were fine with that and then broke up with me claiming they wanted kids.
Anyway. Some people are ok with having kids or not having kids. Some are not. It sounds like you want kids and are not in the "either way is fine" camp. In that case, I would probably give him a few months to mull this over and if he doesnt want kids, I would start considering divorce. You could also consider freezing your eggs.
Ask yourself, if you find yourself 45 and divorced and widowed, are you going to be ok with the fact you dont have kids?
Anyway. Some people are ok with having kids or not having kids. Some are not. It sounds like you want kids and are not in the "either way is fine" camp. In that case, I would probably give him a few months to mull this over and if he doesnt want kids, I would start considering divorce. You could also consider freezing your eggs.
Ask yourself, if you find yourself 45 and divorced and widowed, are you going to be ok with the fact you dont have kids?
Anonymous
08/21/2023 11:19
Subject: Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do
OP, I am childfree but was a fencesitter for a long time. I wonder if reading some of the fencesitter posts on Reddit May be helpful to you. There are a lot of similar conversations there.
If you know you want to have a child and he doesn’t, you may just not be compatible long term. It is not really a thing to compromise over
If you know you want to have a child and he doesn’t, you may just not be compatible long term. It is not really a thing to compromise over
Anonymous
08/21/2023 11:18
Subject: Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do
This is a very difficult situation. Convincing him to have kids is wrong, but expecting you to stay when you have been sold a false bill of sale is also wrong. He can't expect you to give up a dream like this.
I would tell him that this puts you at a crossroads. And you don't want him to do something he doesn't want to do, but that he owes you honesty, and that if he truly doesn't believe he ever wants children he needs to let you go so you can find someone who does.
I would tell him that this puts you at a crossroads. And you don't want him to do something he doesn't want to do, but that he owes you honesty, and that if he truly doesn't believe he ever wants children he needs to let you go so you can find someone who does.
Anonymous
08/21/2023 11:17
Subject: Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do
Okay, so he shared his deep, vulnerable fears and you're glad because you love him. Did you share your deepest desires and fear that your marriage is going to deprive you of them? Because he's not the only person in this marriage.
You shouldn't "convince" him if he doesn't want them. But it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants other than an easy life, and even not having kids doesn't guarantee that. If being a mom is important to you, you need to make that clear to him. And if you're not compatible on this point you will have to leave sooner rather than later to still have a chance at being a mom with someone else. He deserves to have all the facts.
You shouldn't "convince" him if he doesn't want them. But it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants other than an easy life, and even not having kids doesn't guarantee that. If being a mom is important to you, you need to make that clear to him. And if you're not compatible on this point you will have to leave sooner rather than later to still have a chance at being a mom with someone else. He deserves to have all the facts.
Anonymous
08/21/2023 11:15
Subject: Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do
This is just me, but what about being more assertive? Just say “I never would have married you if I knew you didn’t want kids. I get that you’re hesistant but you need to get over it.”
Anonymous
08/21/2023 11:13
Subject: Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do
I think a lot of people have similar fears about becoming a parent. But men don’t seem to have the same biological clock that women do. I agree that you shouldn’t have to talk your DH into having kids, but it sounds like he may need some gentle nudging to overcome this hesitation.
Do you have any friends with kids? Are any of his guy friends dads? I was the first in our circle of friends to have a baby and my DH would tell his buddies how amazing it is to be a dad. I think it’s hard to envision the positive aspects of parenting. We used to live in DC and go out to lots of happy hours and concerts and dinners etc. Now we live in the suburbs and have lots of backyard hang outs and meeting at playgrounds with neighbors and friends. It’s totally different but still fun.
Do you have any friends with kids? Are any of his guy friends dads? I was the first in our circle of friends to have a baby and my DH would tell his buddies how amazing it is to be a dad. I think it’s hard to envision the positive aspects of parenting. We used to live in DC and go out to lots of happy hours and concerts and dinners etc. Now we live in the suburbs and have lots of backyard hang outs and meeting at playgrounds with neighbors and friends. It’s totally different but still fun.
Anonymous
08/21/2023 11:10
Subject: Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do
Tell him you may have to divorce if y’all can’t agree on this.
Anonymous
08/21/2023 11:08
Subject: Husband is hesitant to have kids and I don't know what to do
My husband and I have been married for 2 years and we’re both in our very early 30s. We have talked about having kids in the general “we both want them but we’re so young so we’ll plan it more specifically when we’re in our 30s” way since we started dating 6 years ago. I brought it up to him again a few weeks ago hoping to start a more specific conversation about timeline. I’ll be 32 next year and think we should start trying around then but wanted to know what he’s thinking.
He shared a lot of vulnerable thoughts with me in response. I’m grateful he did. He shared how he’s scared of how much it will change our lives (it will), how much he loves our life in DC as it is, how hard it would be to do it here without either of our families, how hard it would also be to move to one of our hometown areas and leave the other one even farther from their family. I feel a lot of those things too, but I’ve known I wanted to be a mom my whole life. I’m confident that we can do this together and that it is what I want.
We had another conversation in follow up and it’s become clear that he isn’t sure he even wants to have kids. He isn’t a definite “no” but he is very hesitant. I’m devastated by this.
I figured that if we tried to have a child and it didn’t work for whatever biological reason, then I would mourn that and eventually find peace with it. But the prospect that I don’t even get to try to make my dream a reality is just…heartbreaking.
I can’t and won’t try to convince him. I know that children should be totally wanted by both parents. And I’d probably make myself insane if I did “convince” him - I know I’d burn myself out taking on more of the work and essentially performing so as to convince him parenthood isn’t as bad as he feared.
I don’t know what I’m asking of DCUM here. I love him desperately and I’m just so sad. Has anyone been through this? How do I not grow to resent him? Do I try to convince him? Can I be happy?
He shared a lot of vulnerable thoughts with me in response. I’m grateful he did. He shared how he’s scared of how much it will change our lives (it will), how much he loves our life in DC as it is, how hard it would be to do it here without either of our families, how hard it would also be to move to one of our hometown areas and leave the other one even farther from their family. I feel a lot of those things too, but I’ve known I wanted to be a mom my whole life. I’m confident that we can do this together and that it is what I want.
We had another conversation in follow up and it’s become clear that he isn’t sure he even wants to have kids. He isn’t a definite “no” but he is very hesitant. I’m devastated by this.
I figured that if we tried to have a child and it didn’t work for whatever biological reason, then I would mourn that and eventually find peace with it. But the prospect that I don’t even get to try to make my dream a reality is just…heartbreaking.
I can’t and won’t try to convince him. I know that children should be totally wanted by both parents. And I’d probably make myself insane if I did “convince” him - I know I’d burn myself out taking on more of the work and essentially performing so as to convince him parenthood isn’t as bad as he feared.
I don’t know what I’m asking of DCUM here. I love him desperately and I’m just so sad. Has anyone been through this? How do I not grow to resent him? Do I try to convince him? Can I be happy?