Anonymous
Post 08/19/2023 20:11     Subject: Husband gets angry when I’m sad
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I mean, you do seem kind of annoying so maybe he's a little fed up having to deal with you.


Wow. Gunning for the DCUM GlassBowl of the Week award?

[/b]OP, my spouse doesn't deal with tears well, either. (We're both women, FYI.) She gets angry, because angry is how she expresses hurt, and seeing me cry hurts her. Which becomes her berating me, which doesn't help. We call it "spiraling" -- been together 30 years. We know it when we see it, but it's still hard.

My tip -- don't take his reaction personally, if you can. Ask for what you need. "Honestly, I just need you to hold my hand and tell me we're in this together. I'm sad and I'm scared and when you pull away, I just feel alone."



+1 [b]This is sensible advice, but candidly, I think most people feel helpless and then shortly thereafter, irritated at someone crying. It’s only in movies that crying elicits intense tenderness and solicitude. The same goes for any perceived weakness including illness- empathy has its limits.


^^ This.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2023 20:04     Subject: Husband gets angry when I’m sad
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I mean, you do seem kind of annoying so maybe he's a little fed up having to deal with you.


Wow. Gunning for the DCUM GlassBowl of the Week award?

[/b]OP, my spouse doesn't deal with tears well, either. (We're both women, FYI.) She gets angry, because angry is how she expresses hurt, and seeing me cry hurts her. Which becomes her berating me, which doesn't help. We call it "spiraling" -- been together 30 years. We know it when we see it, but it's still hard.

My tip -- don't take his reaction personally, if you can. Ask for what you need. "Honestly, I just need you to hold my hand and tell me we're in this together. I'm sad and I'm scared and when you pull away, I just feel alone."
[b]


+1 This is sensible advice, but candidly, I think most people feel helpless and then shortly thereafter, irritated at someone crying. It’s only in movies that crying elicits intense tenderness and solicitude. The same goes for any perceived weakness including illness- empathy has its limits.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2023 19:55     Subject: Husband gets angry when I’m sad
Anonymous wrote:I mean, you do seem kind of annoying so maybe he's a little fed up having to deal with you.


Wow. Gunning for the DCUM GlassBowl of the Week award?

OP, my spouse doesn't deal with tears well, either. (We're both women, FYI.) She gets angry, because angry is how she expresses hurt, and seeing me cry hurts her. Which becomes her berating me, which doesn't help. We call it "spiraling" -- been together 30 years. We know it when we see it, but it's still hard.

My tip -- don't take his reaction personally, if you can. Ask for what you need. "Honestly, I just need you to hold my hand and tell me we're in this together. I'm sad and I'm scared and when you pull away, I just feel alone."
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2023 19:54     Subject: Husband gets angry when I’m sad
Damn that’s harsh. Sorry. My ex fell apart whenever l was having a hard time - which was rare. But everyone runs in to hardship at sone point.

That’s one of the reasons l left him - he was terrible under adversity. I could comfort him when he needed it, but he couldn’t comfort me. He always counted on me to be the strong one.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2023 19:52     Subject: Re:Husband gets angry when I’m sad
Anonymous wrote:Op here. I was bawling my eyes out in the car and he did not even take my hand. He kept saying I should be thankful to have Ivf as an option and life isn’t fair and I have a mental problem and I’m making myself miserable,


If he was driving, he needs to stay non emotional and focused on the road. He offered practical ideas and probably thought he was being supportive by pointing out positives and pragmatics. I don't think it would be safe for him to be trying to physically comfort you or for him to also be sobbing with you while driving. Infertlity can become all encompassing and very draining.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2023 19:48     Subject: Husband gets angry when I’m sad
I mean, you do seem kind of annoying so maybe he's a little fed up having to deal with you.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2023 19:46     Subject: Re:Husband gets angry when I’m sad
Op here. I was bawling my eyes out in the car and he did not even take my hand. He kept saying I should be thankful to have Ivf as an option and life isn’t fair and I have a mental problem and I’m making myself miserable,
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2023 19:46     Subject: Husband gets angry when I’m sad
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was upset about something today and crying my eyes out. He didn’t even give me a hug or sooth me. He stood there reprimanding me for being so emotional and saying that it’s too much for him.


How often do you get upset and cry your eyes out?
What was it over?


Not very often. Infertility.


Define "not very often." I cry once every couple of years, and consider that "not very often."
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2023 19:45     Subject: Husband gets angry when I’m sad
Does he feel somehow as though he has failed realted to the infertility or your upset was with him related to the infertility. There are a lot of emotions about this and he has his owned his own thoughts as well.

I am not a cryer and I personally find it hard when people cry or sob a lot or are very emotional. I am happy to ask what I can get them or how I can help but I am not good at being a physical soother. Thankfully my husband isn't a big cryer but I would struggle if he needed me to sit and hold him often while he cried.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2023 19:44     Subject: Husband gets angry when I’m sad
What else is going to be "too much" for him? Why would you subject children to that?
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2023 19:43     Subject: Husband gets angry when I’m sad
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was upset about something today and crying my eyes out. He didn’t even give me a hug or sooth me. He stood there reprimanding me for being so emotional and saying that it’s too much for him.


How often do you get upset and cry your eyes out?
What was it over?


Not very often. Infertility.


He's probably incredibly stressed about this too, and his stress is coming out in a totally different way. He probably literally can't give you the emotional support you need here, because he's using all his emotional energy to "keep strong" - which is probably what he needs to do to try and muddle through this shitty time. If he was being stoic and cold today, did you have the emotional bandwidth to see him through it today? Sounds like you didn't. I'd give him a pass on this.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2023 19:42     Subject: Husband gets angry when I’m sad
I think it is clear that he's not someone you should stay married to. Has he always been unsupportive? If you do have a kid, what do you think this would look like? Maybe look at the silver lining and get out before you try to keep having kids with him.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2023 19:39     Subject: Husband gets angry when I’m sad
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was upset about something today and crying my eyes out. He didn’t even give me a hug or sooth me. He stood there reprimanding me for being so emotional and saying that it’s too much for him.


How often do you get upset and cry your eyes out?
What was it over?


Not very often. Infertility.
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2023 19:38     Subject: Husband gets angry when I’m sad
Anonymous wrote:I was upset about something today and crying my eyes out. He didn’t even give me a hug or sooth me. He stood there reprimanding me for being so emotional and saying that it’s too much for him.


How often do you get upset and cry your eyes out?
What was it over?
Anonymous
Post 08/19/2023 19:36     Subject: Husband gets angry when I’m sad
I was upset about something today and crying my eyes out. He didn’t even give me a hug or sooth me. He stood there reprimanding me for being so emotional and saying that it’s too much for him.