I was shy in elementary school, middle and high school. I always had friends and a busy social life, but I felt more comfortable at home and I was never one of the popular kids. As a young adult in college, I did blossom and was more outgoing. Even after college I still got pangs of social anxiety (just didn't know what that was at the time). As an adult, no one would peg me for being shy now. I think shyness can definitely be genetic. My DD is shy with similar social anxiety pangs that I had. My other family members children are similar. My parents also reported being shy at a younger age too.

I did better in larger environments where I had more opportunities for a varied friend group. With social activities, I did better with new peer groups outside of my school environment (in my case BBYO - a Jewish organization aimed at teens). Do you have a religious affiliation? Maybe a teen group there. Usually it's aimed at getting the kids together versus being religious.

Anonymous wrote:Child (14) is very shy making friends, especially post Covid. Goes to a small school. Wondering if this is likely to get better by itself or if we should switch schools, not sure if that will help or hurt. Seems ok otherwise, doing well academically, has extracurriculars, not depressed, still enjoys family (mostly). We wish for least a couple of good friends for DC but DC doesn't seem to be looking.

Hello, I was like this at 14, and I was in a very small private school. I ended up being suddenly dropped into a large public school with a magnet program. It was a huge adjustment and a massive social and culture shock initially. Compared to the small private with lots of personal attention and freedom, I felt like I was in prison. My classes were huge and I was lost. It took me a semester to find my footing — that semester was very difficult academically, socially, and emotionally and I was deeply lonely and unhappy.

By the second year, I had made a lot of friends. Having more people available meant more potential friends. By the fourth year I really enjoyed my public high school, had a group of close friend group of close friends, and was sad to leave.

I went on to attend a huge state college and was very happy there. The transition I had made earlier to a huge high school really helped because I had experience being dropped into a new environment where I didn’t know anyone.

My oldest hated HS. Had few friends, never went out. Freshman year of college was even tougher as the couple of friends from work were back home.

Sophomore year, thing’s completely turned around. DC got more active on a few things started freshman year, and joined a few new groups. Met more people. Now my kid has an on campus job, is on two school publications, is co president of a club and will be mentoring freshman.

I just needed to be patient and supportive. Eventually, my kid figured it out, and hopefully yours will too OP.

OP here, thanks for all the helpful replies. DC is doing a reasonable number of extracurriculars etc that involve interacting with people. Yes, it's more than just being reserved (we don't need DC to be a social butterfly or anything--I'm an introvert myself and I respect the need for alone time). But some of the responses have given me hope that maybe this is a phase/maturity thing since DC doesn't seem unhappy. Maybe we don't need a radical change, just keep providing the right kind of opportunities for DC to grow and find people eventually.

I guess that answers your question that yes changing school can help but not necessarily for everyone. There are so many factors.

I was shy in elementary but did really well in academics helped once I moved to middle school. It helped as teachers paid more attention and gave leadership opportunities, classmates paid more attention and wanted to include in group activities and it snowballed from there.

I was a super shy child myself and blossomed into a socially confident person. I guess it was just a matter of right time and right exposure.

OP, is your DC truly shy, aka uncomfortable around peers, or just reserved and appreciates alone time?

DS was often mistaken for being shy when he was in elementary school. He enjoyed school but didn’t feel the need to make first attempt to strike up conversations. Other kids always made the first move and he was receptive. He was quiet and liked spending time at home w us or doing his own thing. Not being invited to parties didn’t bother him. He didn’t give too much thoughts to those. I was nervous about his lack of desire to initiate friendship. But over the years, he never came to us about felling left out and most importantly he never had trouble speaking in front his class when needed. That was when we realized he was in fact not shy just comfortable with himself. As a junior in college now, he is still reserved and takes a while to warm up. He has his circle of close friend he studies with, goes to dinner with or catch a movie with. He is confident and considerate. No issues with networking or going to job interviews. He has worked since junior year in high school. He still enjoys spending time at home whenever he can. It all turned out fine.

I often wonder if us adults put too much negative emphasis on shyness. It is not a bad trait. If the child desire friendship but can’t seem to find a good start, then that is an entire different conversation. Good luck OP!

If she's shy and you switch her to a new school, she'll still be shy. I don't think it will magically 'cure' the shyness.

Encourage her to join extracurriculars, especially team activities. You could also consider a therapist who can help with shyness (which can be anxiety).

Anonymous wrote:I did! Loved college, made tons of friends. Had difficult high school years. It was hard to make friends and that just made me more insecure and people-avoidant. It doesn’t mean that’s who your DD really is. It’s often a defense mechanism. She may thrive in a new environment.

Did you go to a large college or a smaller one? Asking, hoping same experience for my DD.

I was super shy growing up and went I graduated Hs, I walked out of graduation and didn’t say bye to anyone. Went on to a small liberal arts school and flourished. Joined a sorority, had tons of great friends. Bring somewhere totally new allowed me to reinvent myself, away from people who had only known me as smart and shy.

My DS is also shy and he is enjoying his mid sized state school. He is in several clubs and a fraternity and has a solid circle of friends.

I did! Loved college, made tons of friends. Had difficult high school years. It was hard to make friends and that just made me more insecure and people-avoidant. It doesn’t mean that’s who your DD really is. It’s often a defense mechanism. She may thrive in a new environment.

Yes - mine totally did! She went to an all-girls school that helped her find some strengths and gave her room to gain confidence. She formed relationships with some amazing teachers who have been strong mentors. Went off to a smaller college out of state where she was able to be a “big fish in a small pond” and gain more confidence as her academic skills were validated. She now has a kick-butt job, great friends, and is a cool person. She needed to love herself first and that came with owning some solid skills and feeling valued for them. Good luck to your DD.

Put them in group activities and team sports. Babysitting, tutoring young kids, life guard, retail wherever they can have social interactions.

Child (14) is very shy making friends, especially post Covid. Goes to a small school. Wondering if this is likely to get better by itself or if we should switch schools, not sure if that will help or hurt. Seems ok otherwise, doing well academically, has extracurriculars, not depressed, still enjoys family (mostly). We wish for least a couple of good friends for DC but DC doesn't seem to be looking.