Your kids are adults, they are not helpless young children whose day to day life will be significantly impacted. It’s not your responsibility to help mend their relationship with their father, but it is in their best interest, and therefore yours, if they do not become enmeshed in your emotional pain and your relationship issues with him.

Also, why are you still staying with him?

This is such an insensitive, stupid reply. OP already said it IS impacting her kids, so who are you to suggest it won't impact them? And going forward, having to rework your view of your parent(s), potentially deal with stepparents/stepsiblings and split holidays will definitely impact OP's kids. You need to retire from giving worthless advice and making uneducated responses.

Listen…. It sucks. But you are the good person and you need to do everything to get your kids back on track.

Make sure your kids know no matter what happens with your marriage they are loved, they will have a home (most kids #1 fear) and that their father is human and flawed.

He needs to repair his relationship with them not you, but you can be there as their support.

Don’t argue in the house. The home needs to be a calm place for the kids, if that can’t happen then you need to think about separation.

But if you can you give it the old college try and don’t make any decisions until your daughter is happily moved into her college dorm.

Yes, your H has damaged her opportunity to go where you expected but it will work out

Does your son live at home?

If not you will be empty nesters in a year and then you can take a long hard look at your self and make a decision to stay or go and never look back… unless you stay you can reevaluate.

It sucks, he sucker punched you and you will take 2 years to recover.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They found out as saw texts and overheard conversations between my husband and myself. They suspected things were off.

I know it’s not my responsibility to heal their relationship with their father, it just complicates everything and makes it very hard for me to work through all of this. Just seems the damage is so multi-layered.

It’s been 6 months.

Your kids are adults, they are not helpless young children whose day to day life will be significantly impacted. It’s not your responsibility to help mend their relationship with their father, but it is in their best interest, and therefore yours, if they do not become enmeshed in your emotional pain and your relationship issues with him.

Also, why are you still staying with him?

Your and idiot. Her children are not adults.

Even adults need live and support when going through a hard time.

Anonymous wrote:Cheating is fundamentally about a genuine lack of respect. Your H didn't respect you whatsoever, even though he vowed to be honest and faithful to you. Your kids are older and obviously understand this. I can't imagine how difficult it is for them to reconcile the fact that their father didn't care how much he hurt their mother with his selfish behavior.

He probably still doesn't care, he's just doing what he has to do so you'll shut up (and won't divorce him and take half his stuff).

None of this is true.

Men having an affair has nothing to do with the wife. He’s just a lame, selfish, piece of sh!t.

He could respect his wife but have the inability to be a good upstanding human.

He might care he might not. You have no idea.

Anonymous wrote:I do want to try to work it out and believe it’s possible most days. He does too but it’s all very, very hard. I wish people knew the damage they are likely to inflict and understand that before making such reckless and selfish choices.

Why do you want to work it out? What’s the upside for you?

Anonymous wrote:They found out as saw texts and overheard conversations between my husband and myself. They suspected things were off.

I know it’s not my responsibility to heal their relationship with their father, it just complicates everything and makes it very hard for me to work through all of this. Just seems the damage is so multi-layered.

It’s been 6 months.

Your kids are adults, they are not helpless young children whose day to day life will be significantly impacted. It’s not your responsibility to help mend their relationship with their father, but it is in their best interest, and therefore yours, if they do not become enmeshed in your emotional pain and your relationship issues with him.

Also, why are you still staying with him?

I do want to try to work it out and believe it’s possible most days. He does too but it’s all very, very hard. I wish people knew the damage they are likely to inflict and understand that before making such reckless and selfish choices.

OP, since your kids are almost grown, DO you want to stay with him?

I considered leaving my husband and the main factor keeping me in the marriage was that I didn’t want to lose custody of my kids. If my kids were almost out of the house I would maybe stay until I dropped the younger one off at college and get the hell out.

They found out as saw texts and overheard conversations between my husband and myself. They suspected things were off.

I know it’s not my responsibility to heal their relationship with their father, it just complicates everything and makes it very hard for me to work through all of this. Just seems the damage is so multi-layered.

It’s been 6 months.

How long since you/they found out?

Don't feel like you have to help repair his relationship with the kids. That's on him; they are old enough to have their own feelings about it.

Cheating is fundamentally about a genuine lack of respect. Your H didn't respect you whatsoever, even though he vowed to be honest and faithful to you. Your kids are older and obviously understand this. I can't imagine how difficult it is for them to reconcile the fact that their father didn't care how much he hurt their mother with his selfish behavior.

He probably still doesn't care, he's just doing what he has to do so you'll shut up (and won't divorce him and take half his stuff).

I’m so sorry OP. Sorry also that the kids found out and it’s impacting them this way. Nothing but sympathy for you.

-btdt with very little kids; I left

How did your kids find out in the first place?

I’m so sorry. I hate cheaters for the destruction they cause. It is a lifelong impact on the kids and their future relationships.

I’m in counseling, he’s in counseling, we are in counseling. Everyone is doing all the “right” things but I just don’t know if I can do it.

My son who is 20 knows and has been a mess over it (depressed, angry)

My daughter who is a senior in high school fell apart after discovering this spring causing her grades to tank and impacting her college choices. I’m so angry about all of it but lately especially about the impact on my kids.

They found out but we did not tell them . I was hoping to spare them if at all possible.