Lower paid spouse drops the job, or else you can afford to pay for child care but maybe can't afford your current house.

I would advise the friend to talk to her mother. The mother may not mind as much as she thinks. The couple might be able to help the grandparents conserve energy in other ways: grocery delivery; doing meal prep and giving the grandparents things to freeze; helping with bigger tasks around the home; cleaning on weekends or hiring a cleaner. To me it would not be so much about the money as wanting a trusted caretaker. I'm from an immigrant background where it's unheard of for kids to be watched by anyone but family and families help each other in all kinds of ways.

Anonymous wrote:OP ETA: husband also not so quietly feels he’s owed childcare until the baby goes to school, because grandparents did that with the older sets of grandkids - who are all a bit older than this set.

That’s not a valid argument. I had kids 10 years after my sibling. They got more help from parents and that’s only logical. We do daycare and grandparents help on random days.

Your husband is a cheap piece of shit.

My entire paycheck went to childcare and groceries. I couldn’t “afford” childcare, but also couldn’t run my mom into the ground. My partner thankfully covered rent and utilities. Sometimes he drove Uber after hours too. We did very little socially and had to charge a lot on the credit card for daycare and preschool years. It’s not an uncommon dynamic. We used a church based center - non religious program. We starting to dig out now.

You do what you have to. Don’t break your parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They need to prioritize funds to facilitate childcare. Maybe a childcare center 3 days a week and Grandparents 2 days.

This. They need to respect that the grandparents are getting older and little kids are too much for them.

Agree.

Also, friend's H is an entitled jerk for thinking they're owed childcare. His view is frankly deeply concerning b/c he doesn't seem to care for his ILs' health or capabilities at all.

It really depends on what the grandparents want. Slowing down might not mean they wish to relinquish their role, so your friend needs to have a discussion with her mother. The best option would be finding part-time childcare, but depending on the area and their budget, it may be hard to find. And definitely enroll their kid in preschool at 3 - it's better for their development anyway.

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is owed anything. If they're no longer up for doing it, they should feel free to say no. Perhaps they can contribute in other, more limited ways such as helping with childcare pick-ups or taking the kids for occasional outings.

They’re kind of enabling the situation and seemingly would never outright say “we can’t do this.” But they make frequent comments apparently in mixed company about how tired they are, worn down, etc. Specifically due to their childcare duties.

Nobody is owed anything. If they're no longer up for doing it, they should feel free to say no. Perhaps they can contribute in other, more limited ways such as helping with childcare pick-ups or taking the kids for occasional outings.

Anonymous wrote:How old is the toddler? Is there a church preschool with part-time hours in the area? That would be less expensive than full-time care, and could make the situation manageable for the grandparents.

Just turned two.

Anonymous wrote:They need to prioritize funds to facilitate childcare. Maybe a childcare center 3 days a week and Grandparents 2 days.

This. They need to respect that the grandparents are getting older and little kids are too much for them.

How old is the toddler? Is there a church preschool with part-time hours in the area? That would be less expensive than full-time care, and could make the situation manageable for the grandparents.

They need to prioritize funds to facilitate childcare. Maybe a childcare center 3 days a week and Grandparents 2 days.

OP ETA: husband also not so quietly feels he’s owed childcare until the baby goes to school, because grandparents did that with the older sets of grandkids - who are all a bit older than this set.

Happening to a friend, who isn’t sure what to do. Younger child is watched all working hours M-F at grandparents house. Toddler is…being a toddler, and it’s wearing them out (mid-60s, middling at best health).

Her husband wants to turn a blind eye because they don’t really have the money for other childcare, but friend feels guilty (it’s her parents - really her mom - doing this caretaking).

WWYD?