OP, have you heard of Wait until 8th?

https://www.waituntil8th.org/

Maybe you can pause screens and start again in 8th grade.

She’s on TikTok too, and I’m aware of this.

OP again, DH wants to take away all her devices for a month. I think that’s too severe and she will go nuts (maybe that’s why; the screaming will be epic).

I'd take away all electronics and let them know why they can't have it and we're going to reintroduce them when we feel they've matured.

FWIW, I'm more okay with Snapchat than Tik Tok.

OP here. She is turning 13 in 2 months and going into 7th grade.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No devices for her except for those required by school for six months at least with a long talk about lying. She has no need for devices at 12 and has demonstrated very poor decision making and breached your trust.

I'm curious how old your kid is. This is what I would have said before my kid was a teen.

I wouldn't frame it as really poor decision making. It's 12-year old brain decision making. She wants to be able to talk to her friends and be included and when you the trusted adult who she loves and values won't let her, she/he goes around you and lies so she can keep the relationship with the adult who she loves and values.

I thought I would be one of these draconian no to all the things parents. One person's opinion. From what I see, it doesn't work in the end or if it does work the cost to your long-term relationship with the child is very high. It alienates you from your child.

And before all the snarky responses about what a loser parent I am, yes I say no to things and my teens have a lot of boundaries. But it's more complicated than just ban all the things for 6 months and a long talk.

Anonymous wrote:No devices for her except for those required by school for six months at least with a long talk about lying. She has no need for devices at 12 and has demonstrated very poor decision making and breached your trust.

I'm curious how old your kid is. This is what I would have said before my kid was a teen.

I wouldn't frame it as really poor decision making. It's 12-year old brain decision making. She wants to be able to talk to her friends and be included and when you the trusted adult who she loves and values won't let her, she/he goes around you and lies so she can keep the relationship with the adult who she loves and values.

I thought I would be one of these draconian no to all the things parents. One person's opinion. From what I see, it doesn't work in the end or if it does work the cost to your long-term relationship with the child is very high. It alienates you from your child.

No devices for her except for those required by school for six months at least with a long talk about lying. She has no need for devices at 12 and has demonstrated very poor decision making and breached your trust.

Is your kid a 6th grader or 7th grader?

My advice is not to be so inflexible that kids go behind your back. I understand social media sucks. I truly get it. But you have to be somewhat flexible, especially with Snapchat, because this is how ALL teens communicate now. Is she otherwise a good kid? “Punish” her by having her do chores. Don’t put a lot of obstacles between you and her because you’ll need open lines of communication in the years ahead. Not animosity.

They will lie. It's developmentally normal on some level. The more you ban things they are determined to do the more they will lie straight to your face. I agree with the PP don't put them in a position to lie to you to the extent you are able because they will.

If you are determined to keep her off snapchat, fully lock down all your home devices (block sites and don't allow any kind of downloads) and be prepared that might not work. My son's friends have done things like downloaded the app and then deleted it off the device daily. They have devices for school and they know how to get on web-based accounts using that. They also get on through friends' devices and school computers even if you've done everything else. My son tells me they all have the accounts even if parents don't know. I've seen this firsthand when he shows me friends' accounts and I know their parents think they don't have accounts. I'm sure the kids who have underground accounts are on it less often than kids who have free access.

I went through all of this in middle school. Didn't let him get it for a while. Did a lot of thinking and talking to other parents. My way of thinking is he's either going to do it underground or we're going to do it together and he's going to have my guidance. I got on snapchat, educated myself about what it's like, learned how to use it, wrote up a page of a contract, had a long conversation with him and went over every topic I knew to bring up in explicit detail, let him on it, and then added him as a friend. I also monitor how much he's on it on his phone per day (easy through screentime) and you can set limits how much they can use the app from their own device (again through screentime). I periodically check in with him about specific topics and look at his account randomly and unannounced at times.

We've had no issues with him having it so far.

Snapchat sucks I wish it didn't exist.

Is there even a way to delete those accounts?

Well, this is a very old iPad. But you’re right. I don’t plan on asking her whether she has an account; I do plan on asking her when she wants to sit down so we can watch the snaps together. 🤣

The lying though…..this does not sit well with us at all….she FaceTimes with friends at night and I hate to take that away from her because most of her friends are good kids but there has to be punishment for lying.

Don't put her in a position to lie to you. Don't ask her questions that you know the answer to (Don't ask her if she has snapchat when she isn't supposed to and don't ask her why). Don't ask her questions you don't know the answer to.

You know that she has broken the rules and you know why, because it's enticing. Monitor the screen time more diligently and put devices away when screen time is finished.

Or throw the ipad out the window - I want to do that a lot of times. Why did we get it in the first place? Ugh.

DD is 12. I just found it on her iPad, multiple snaps from friends. We have talked about why snap isn’t safe and why she isn’t allowed to have it. Ofc I know why she wants it. No idea how long she’s had it.

She tried to set up an account before, I caught her (this is more than a year ago), we talked it through and she said she wouldn’t do it again. Ofc we all know they’re kids and if their mouths move, they’re probably lying.

Anyhow, she doesn’t know I’ve found out. For now, I’ve taken her device and it will go away for awhile. She doesn’t have a phone…..yet. She is due to get one soon. She does not know that either.

How to handle?