Anonymous wrote:That’s a lot if text. I’m so glad others are able to help.

To Everyone else, if you really want people to advise, make it a short as possible while still giving them the information they need.
Why not say “I hurt myself doing chores” instead of all this. I stoped reading after this….

Anonymous wrote:


was up and down a ladder all day about a month ago hand-sewing an awning that was damaged, because my husband wanted it left up over the screen porch and it looked so bad (think shredded and tattered) that I was ashamed and tried to fix it. Well, the awning still look like crap, though a bit better,

Your choice

Anonymous wrote: OP, I'm sorry. Yes, your dad will most likely go to rehab-my mom was there 6 weeks for a bad break like your dads.

Is the house able to be accessible for him? My mom was able to come home because their house is one story with no steps (these florida houses are awesome like that) and already had some things like grab bars/bathroom because my dad is disabled. But if they have tons of stairs with no accessbile bathroom, that's something to consider.

But you're right to stay put OP, you're hurt also and the folks have to accept that it might be time to move to somewhere they can live safely.

Yes it’s accessible but he was so weak prior that my sister had to help him with everything from showering to getting food.

Hi OP! I am in a similar situation right now and I came to the realization that the issue with my problems is me, myself and I. You can’t influence people to do things your way, as you just found out. You need to work with the situation you have at hand. Your sister is doing A LOT! She takes care of your parents in their own home. If you can’t appreciate what physical and emotional labor that is, you are the issue. You should be grateful she is doing this, according to their wishes and in accordance with how they want to live their lives at an old age. Your parents have made the decision that they want to stay in their house for as long as possible. Your mom already told you that and you refuse to accept it. You’re trying to take away their agency - they clearly accept that they might live less long, have an accident etc. and it’s worth it to them as long as they can remain in their current lifestyle. No one has forced you to take on anything. The awning is on you. The guilty feeling is on you. You need to accept that not everything has to go according to your plan. I recently learned this from my previously estranged sister and am employing this right now with my mom. I am taking a mental health break at the beach while my mom is looking for her credit card, which she lost for the 20th time. I offered help with banking issues, she refused many times. This is the consequence: I am not sacrificing my Sunday morning to call up banks or rifle through her mess.

Agreed that you need to verbalize your boundary. I am all the way across country and dealing with some challenges of my own. You all need to make some decisions since it impacts your living situation directly. The house is your biggest asset and you need to figure out how you’re going to leverage that to finance your new reality. Aging is inevitable and we are dealing with that on our side here as well and making plans for ourselves knowing what kind of care we’ll someday need and how that can be provided. I have my opinions if you want them, but you're the one living out their day to day so it impacts you the most. Let me know if there is something I can do from here.

I’m sorry, OP. It is very hard.

You post once every few months with the same frustrations, which is understandable because this situation isn’t fixable. You get the same advice, though, which is to stop doing what you are unable to do. You don’t have to go out to save your parents and sister. That means you will have to manage your own feelings of guilt and helplessness.

Your mom doesn’t want to make decisions, which means events will make decisions for her. You’ve explained that to her again and again. It isn’t working.

These are your tools: “That sounds hard,
Mom. What do you think you will do?” “Wow, sis, that’s a lot. How are you holding up?” “I won’t be able to come out now. I will come for a few days over Thanksgiving. I miss you, too.”

I feel like there are two separate issues.

One is that your Dad had a bad fall, and that all of his care will fall to your sister. It's sad and hard when our elderly parents fall and need help. It's natural for siblings to split the responsibility. But unfortunately, you can't go right now because you have an injury that prevents flying. So, you'll need to say no, and be grateful to your sister that she's able and willing to be there providing the help. Maybe look into other ways of being helpful, such as researching nursing homes, or helping arrange home help.

The other is that you took on a home renovation chore that was beyond your ability and got injured. You and your husband's disagreement about how to use that particular space might play a role in that. Maybe you should have been more honest about not being able to do it. Maybe he shouldn't have been so insistent on keeping the awning. Your new plan to hire professionals is a good one, if you can afford it.

I'm sorry you got hurt. I could sort of understand if you wanted to scream at yourself, or your husband, or the universe. But I'm not sure why you are wanting to scream at your parents and your sister. This is clearly a recent injury. Unlike yours it was probably not preventable. Your sister being there is what is preventing you from just taking the physical damage of flying which is what many of us would have to do in your case. Given all of that, I think you need to be gracious and not expect them to suddenly have a plan.

If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

Anonymous wrote:That’s a lot if text. I’m so glad others are able to help.

To Everyone else, if you really want people to advise, make it a short as possible while still giving them the information they need.
Why not say “I hurt myself doing chores” instead of all this. I stoped reading after this….

Anonymous wrote:


was up and down a ladder all day about a month ago hand-sewing an awning that was damaged, because my husband wanted it left up over the screen porch and it looked so bad (think shredded and tattered) that I was ashamed and tried to fix it. Well, the awning still look like crap, though a bit better,

Some of us are capable of reading more than a few words. If that’s beyond you, that’s fine, but you don’t need to share that fact with us.

That’s a lot if text. I’m so glad others are able to help.

To Everyone else, if you really want people to advise, make it a short as possible while still giving them the information they need.
Why not say “I hurt myself doing chores” instead of all this. I stoped reading after this….

Anonymous wrote:


was up and down a ladder all day about a month ago hand-sewing an awning that was damaged, because my husband wanted it left up over the screen porch and it looked so bad (think shredded and tattered) that I was ashamed and tried to fix it. Well, the awning still look like crap, though a bit better,

You absolutely should make your own physical issue the priority. They assume when the sh*T hits the fan we can always just hop to and don't even think we could have our own problems. The only place where I disagree with you is assuming it would be so much easier if they lived closer. You really cannot ask too much of relatives and risk burning bridges and you yourself would easily burn out. I did after enough years.

I completely agree with you advice to others. Draw those boundaries hard and with no guilt especially if you have a family of takers. Besides having my own illness what made it easier for me is the lack of appreciation I got for all the years I sacrificed my sanity, family time, work, etc to be there for emergencies, check on things, etc.

OP, I'm sorry. Yes, your dad will most likely go to rehab-my mom was there 6 weeks for a bad break like your dads.

Is the house able to be accessible for him? My mom was able to come home because their house is one story with no steps (these florida houses are awesome like that) and already had some things like grab bars/bathroom because my dad is disabled. But if they have tons of stairs with no accessbile bathroom, that's something to consider.

But you're right to stay put OP, you're hurt also and the folks have to accept that it might be time to move to somewhere they can live safely.

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry about the situation- it sounds awful. But you are absolutely doing the right thing to prioritize your healing.

Can you share a bit more about the doctor who helped you and the treatment? I’m having worsening pain in what I think is the piriformis but my GP blamed it on overuse and said just to rest and that doesn’t seem to be helping.

Oh, and use a small TENS device. So beneficial

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry about the situation- it sounds awful. But you are absolutely doing the right thing to prioritize your healing.

Can you share a bit more about the doctor who helped you and the treatment? I’m having worsening pain in what I think is the piriformis but my GP blamed it on overuse and said just to rest and that doesn’t seem to be helping.

To be honest, I had to unlock it myself. They were only good with this diagnosis. Use a foam roller, stretches, and a device called a hip hook. What helped the most was finding the trigger point in my lower back hip and pushing on it until it released. My excrutiating knee pain disappeared - that untrapped the compressed nerve after stretching made the area more mobile. Also I would take a very small amount of Motrin (100 mg) one/twice a day. That turned down the noise enough for me to know that it was indeed inflammation causing the pain.

I’m so sorry about the situation- it sounds awful. But you are absolutely doing the right thing to prioritize your healing.

Can you share a bit more about the doctor who helped you and the treatment? I’m having worsening pain in what I think is the piriformis but my GP blamed it on overuse and said just to rest and that doesn’t seem to be helping.

Parents and sister live cross-country, out of money, refusing to sell house, and very frail. Sister is helping care for them to preserve where she lives free (with them) as long as she can. Well my dad fell and broke his hip, had surgery today, and his femur is so brittle that also broke during surgery. Both issues were fixed, not sure whether or not he will ever be able to walk again. He’ll probably go to rehab, might have to reside in a Medicaid nursing home, which he will NOT want (and should not have to, given they are sitting on a 750K asset and can rent in the same community and have enough money after selling to hire in help, etc. Spoke to my mother about it and she just cried (like she always does) and says “I don’t want to make any decisions”. I’ve posted here before; we’ve offered numerous free living situations and was turned down each time. Won’t be long before my sister is overwhelmed and wants me out there to help, but here’s the problem. I was up and down a ladder all day about a month ago hand-sewing an awning that was damaged, because my husband wanted it left up over the screen porch and it looked so bad (think shredded and tattered) that I was ashamed and tried to fix it. Well, the awning still look like crap, though a bit better, and the up and down the ladder for 10 hours severely inflamed my piriformis muscle, making it very difficult to walk, etc. It’s been a month and it’s improving with treatment but it will take a while longer. I can’t go out there to help without damaging myself further. And frankly, I’m tired of people making decisions that impact me physically and emotionally so I’m done. DONE. Making a last ditch with a contractor to put up a plexi roof over the aluminum porch (not even sure it can by done) and if it can’t, I’m taking the porch down and we will still have our nice deck it’s built over. Husband has NO say anymore. And I’m NOT going cross-country to help. Were they on the same coast, I could manage because we have other family around, but five hours on a plane in my current condition will delay my own healing and I was told might make the pain permanent. My brother lives on the west coast and can get there faster if they need help - I’ve offered to pay the plane fare since last minute would be stretch for him.

I’ve been too accommodating and too kind over the years, wanting to keep the peace. No more. Anyone out there struggling with elderly parents, a difficult spouse, etc, please draw your boundaries hard and with no guilt. People will use you if they can to make their lives easier if you are willing to allow it. I’ve never been in pain like I was a month ago and nothing is scarier than struggling to walk - pain is lessening but I’m stiff as all heck when walking. Hopefully with proper stretches, etc, that goes away too (I’m 62 so goes away is relative).

Thank you for letting me vent here - I know screaming at my parents and sister will do no good, but I have to get it out. So to my family - TOLD YOU SO!