I learned to batch my concerns rather than bringing something to him every time I had a thought (which was often….). The quiet time
I spent sorting my thoughts was helpful.

My discovering it

Anonymous wrote:Frustrated. We are close to completing an infidelity course/which included therapy sessions with an expert in this area. (3 month thing)

Affair is over, but it was an “I love you”, 8 month type thing. I literally think about it and things he said to her about me, our marriage, etc constantly (I have texts).

While my marriage is in a positive trending place, and I’m hopeful about the future, I still bring things up, ask questions and it seems to really annoy my husband. He knows he “should” answer but I worry that it’s causing problems for us even though my thoughts, questions, constant imagery is definitely causing problems for me.

Feeling very damned if I do, damned if I don’t dilemma

.

If my husband cheated I would be very much like you and unable to let it go. You have two choices, get over it, for the sake of repairing your marriage. This is hard because it requires trust and you have none because he broke it. It’s not healthy for YOU (I don’t care about him) to not let it go. You also have the option to start fresh and forget the loser who cheated on you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

You are never going to let it go. You will always have questions. Even 10 years from now you will have doubts and questions. He will get tired of eating shit.

She is not doing anything wrong. At all. And yes she may eventually let it go. 8 months is not long.

That said, he should be willing to talk about it whenever/how you want. Mine was and it made all the difference.

As I read it, the affair was 8 months long. So ... If I said I had an 8 month affair, I'd probably be castigated for having a long affair. But if I said we are 8 months past an affair, I'm still not over my husband's affair, you'll say it isn't a long time at all to recover? Asking for a friend.

Sorry for confusion. The affair started in Aug 2022 and ended April 2023, due to my sis ice ring it.

OP- what is your DH doing to help you heal? It is very very common for someone who has been betrayed in their marriage to have the need to ask the same questions over and over and over. In the early days, we set aside 15 mins per day for me to ask questions. It's part of processing. When your entire world as you knew it has changed, the only way you can move forward is to first go backwards, understand what the reality actually was vs your perception of that timeframe in your life, process it, and then begin to heal. THere's literally no other way. Rug sweeping or skipping this will result in false reconciliation. Your DH HAS to be patient with this. It's the least he can do after blowing up your life.

Our therapist had us each compile a very detailed timeline. Him of the affair and me of my perception of that time. Mine was 11 pages and his was 7 pages long. We went month by month and talked and processed and though it was incredibly painful, once we were done with that, I have literally not had the urge to ask more questions in 6+ months. It's like my thirst for information and understanding was quenched. I felt like I had the whole pictures and knew exactly WHAT I was trying to heal from. Throughout the timeline comparisons, we also found a LOT of random situations and areas where we genuinely missed one another's struggles or needs or our communication was poor (not an excuse for the affair by any means, but it really highlighted areas we could work on moving forward and helped me understand certain areas that made our relationship weaker). I really can't stress enough how relieving this was for me and how much it allowed us to finally take a step towards rebuilding.

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's normal to think about it frequently and have questions. Since you're already in therapy, I'd ask the expert how to deal with the constant rumination and intrusive thoughts. Your H should also understand that this is to be expected.

I agree with this, but please do bear in mind that betrayed spouses perseverate about the AP LONG after the cheater has forgotten not only the feelings but the specifics of what was said and done. Depending on the cheater’s age, they really will forget at a certain point and it is not gaslighting. Think about how much you truly remember about past relationships- and you were in those wholeheartedly. “I love you” exchanges via text in the dark, hot fantasy world of an affair carry little weight in the brightness of day. I am not saying he gets a free pass, but ask yourself what you ultimately want out of your marriage? No one likes to be continually reminded of their mistakes and be asked to be an apologist indefinitely. If you see progress and he is contrite, don’t punish yourself for his sins and ruin your marriage. Think more of your future happiness than your former misery.

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's normal to think about it frequently and have questions. Since you're already in therapy, I'd ask the expert how to deal with the constant rumination and intrusive thoughts. Your H should also understand that this is to be expected.

This. You need another way of dealing with the intrusive thoughts and DH needs to be more patient.

Especially if it’s been less than six months since discovery.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

You are never going to let it go. You will always have questions. Even 10 years from now you will have doubts and questions. He will get tired of eating shit.

She is not doing anything wrong. At all. And yes she may eventually let it go. 8 months is not long.

That said, he should be willing to talk about it whenever/how you want. Mine was and it made all the difference.

As I read it, the affair was 8 months long. So ... If I said I had an 8 month affair, I'd probably be castigated for having a long affair. But if I said we are 8 months past an affair, I'm still not over my husband's affair, you'll say it isn't a long time at all to recover? Asking for a friend.

OP, it's normal to think about it frequently and have questions. Since you're already in therapy, I'd ask the expert how to deal with the constant rumination and intrusive thoughts. Your H should also understand that this is to be expected.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

You are never going to let it go. You will always have questions. Even 10 years from now you will have doubts and questions. He will get tired of eating shit.

Thinking of it as "eating shit" is the problem. OP asking questions and thinking about it is normal, and not the cause of the issue.

He violated her trust and he broke something within the marriage. They both need to to seek to repair it if they want to repair it. If he has an expectation it will be forgotten, and she cannot forget, then it can't be repaired.

They need to figure out together how they can repair the trust. OP cannot be expected to do it alone.

If he views this process as "punishment" as opposed to the natural consequence of that broken trust, then it might not be repairable.

One question I'd have is whether the husband is in individual therapy. Because if he's struggling with guilt, feeling punished, etc., talking to a therapist about it could help him deal with it so that he doesn't get so irritated with his wife (who has done and is doing nothing wrong) when she asks questions about the affair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

You are never going to let it go. You will always have questions. Even 10 years from now you will have doubts and questions. He will get tired of eating shit.

She is not doing anything wrong. At all. And yes she may eventually let it go. 8 months is not long.

That said, he should be willing to talk about it whenever/how you want. Mine was and it made all the difference.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

You are never going to let it go. You will always have questions. Even 10 years from now you will have doubts and questions. He will get tired of eating shit.

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

Marriage is doomed.

Frustrated. We are close to completing an infidelity course/which included therapy sessions with an expert in this area. (3 month thing)

Affair is over, but it was an “I love you”, 8 month type thing. I literally think about it and things he said to her about me, our marriage, etc constantly (I have texts).

While my marriage is in a positive trending place, and I’m hopeful about the future, I still bring things up, ask questions and it seems to really annoy my husband. He knows he “should” answer but I worry that it’s causing problems for us even though my thoughts, questions, constant imagery is definitely causing problems for me.

Feeling very damned if I do, damned if I don’t dilemma