Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP back. Also very important to teach consent. I started with this, they thought it was amusing and got it--it's clear.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Exobo1GmYjs

This is the OP. I like this video. What about if I send this and then follow up with a discussion? I appreciate all the other responses too although I have to admit the thought of the talk fills me with panic.

I say this kindly, grow up. This is not about culture. He is too damn old to have a first time sex talk.

It is about culture.

I have a DD and it’s not easy at any time whether it’s boy or girl.
I found a book helped though. I looked at it with her, we talked about it, and the book is in her room to pull out if she wants to.
I would look for an age appropriate book and start there.

Not a single mom but a mom who has regular talks. Start with some books for teens and ask them what they thought or what they are learning about it in school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP back. Also very important to teach consent. I started with this, they thought it was amusing and got it--it's clear.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Exobo1GmYjs

This is the OP. I like this video. What about if I send this and then follow up with a discussion? I appreciate all the other responses too although I have to admit the thought of the talk fills me with panic.

I say this kindly, grow up. This is not about culture. He is too damn old to have a first time sex talk.

Anonymous wrote:PP back. Also very important to teach consent. I started with this, they thought it was amusing and got it--it's clear.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Exobo1GmYjs

This is the OP. I like this video. What about if I send this and then follow up with a discussion? I appreciate all the other responses too although I have to admit the thought of the talk fills me with panic.

My son's father (my husband) passed away when my son was 8 years old so I have had many a conversation I didn't think or want to have but had to have with him. You just have to give him the information in a straightforward manner. When my son was in 6th grade he found porn and was watching a lot of it. I thought I was smart by locking down his phone so he couldn't access it but they are smarter he just reset his phone with a new apple id. I kept the conversations brief because I knew after about 10 minutes I would lose him. Just gave him a couple of bullet points. What you are watching isn't real, men and women's bodies aren't realistically portrayed, and certain acts are not what everyone wants to do. It gives you an unrealistic view of sex. Also, I've had to give him very frank information about being careful what you stick where. He did not want to hear that at all but I said don't you want to know what can happen rather then having to come to me and say we need to go to the emergency room because something is stuck where it shouldn't be. These are all conversations I have not wanted to have with my son but have had to because there is no one else to tell him. I know it's embarrassing for him but at least he has some information. It's different now, you can google any question you have and an answer is there but when I was growing up you had to rely on what your friends told you because my parents told me nothing. I wish there had been a conversation about it. Another poster is correct, it's not a one and done conversation it should be ongoing. If my son ever wanted to ask me anything he could come to me and ask because he knows I would be honest with him. Would he come to me is a different story.

I just gave my kid a book

Talk to him when you're side by side, not face to face. On a walk, on a drive, playing basketball, while cooking, etc. I never had One Big Talk with my son bc we talked from the time he was little. Tell him how your parents talked to you, and that you want to do things differently.

With the internet now, kids can google all the basics. But Mom needs to fill in the emotional aspects. Car talks are always good with boys, and keeping it short. Don't have to cover every topic at once.

Definitely touch on porn not being real life. Young men now have such easy access to it, and often can't separate the fantasy from reality.

And if you think he's anywhere near having sex, buy a box of condoms, put them in the linen closet or his bathroom, and let him know they're there. And to be used EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Agree with the no eye contact. I'd probably start by saying, "I know you are a smart kid and I know you've learned stuff in school, but when it comes to sex, it's really important to me that you know: (1) what consent does and does not look like (like you can't have sex with a drunk/high girl/woman), and (2) some info you hear from friends and on the internet often is not true. You need to either ask a trusted adult, or here is a website that has correct information."

According to today's standards, I did everything "right" in terms of discussion sex ed with my son. We started early, around 6 or 7, we talked often, we have an open relationship where he feels he can tell me most things. I have always told him I would prefer he wait til he gets out of high school, but that it should also be in a healthy, monogamous, loving relationship.

Well, that didn't work and he had sex at 15 with the first girl at a party who asked him. And he later told me, "mom, you didn't cross my mind AT ALL." Which of course, makes sense, but dag, all those years of talking for nothing.

However, he did use protection, he did check on consent, so there's some evidence that discussions helped.

Some real life things that have come up with my son and his crowd this summer.

One boy was almost stalking a girl that he wanted to get with, despite her having a boyfriend. We discussed how completely inappropriate this is, how uncomfortable it makes the girl, and people will look down on my son for hanging out with this kid who was quickly developing a reputation for being a complete ass.

Another boy (not my son's crowd) has been accused of sex assault. Not to the level of police involvement, but rumors around school.

Your son needs to know this goes on. That things can go sideways fast, not necessarily for him but for friends, and he needs to know he can come to you with anything.

I find I need to plan what I’m going to say in advance, or I never say anything.

Car rides are the ideal place to talk because you don’t need to look at each other. About 10 minutes before we’re home, I bring up the topic. If there is a movie or tv show we watched together that’s relevant, I start with that. Otherwise, I often make up a vague “article I was reading about how a lot of teens…”. Then I launch into the topic of the day- porn is not real life, always use a condom regardless of who your partner is and what they claim, consent is more than not being told to stop and if your partner is not enthusiastic it’s best to slow down/stop, sex is better when you trust your partner (but always use a condom), his consent is important too and it’s ok to stop at any point, etc. About the time the awkward conversation has run it’s course, we’re home and can escape.

For conveying facts, books are really helpful- especially when followed by talking.

PP back. Also very important to teach consent. I started with this, they thought it was amusing and got it--it's clear.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Exobo1GmYjs

How old is your son?

Also, this is not a one-time conversation to have. This should be an ongoing dialogue, even if you're both uncomfortable. A good way to do this is in the car when you're both driving somewhere, or when you're both watching a TV show (best if you watch something that can prompt short convo).

I found that it is easier for them if there is no eye contact. I have 2 boys, one now 19 and one 22. I started this when they were around 10/11.

Just talk to him. While I'm not a single mom, I took the lead on this with my son since his Dad would have given him a 2 hour professorial lecture putting him to sleep.

He probably knows the basics, so ask him if he has any questions and give him the excellent advice you mentioned. I was sure to tell my son about consent and respect, and how men and women can view sex differently and what it means.

Dad is not involved at all. Should have had a birds and bees talk a long time ago with my teenage son. I'm from a fairly repressed culture when it comes to talking about sex. My mom's talk to me was literally that "there's this thing that men can do to you that can get you pregnant. Don't let them do that to you". Other than this 1 minute talk at around age 14, it was never discussed again and it's not a topic that is discussed freely in any context in my family of origin.

So I've been avoiding it. If you are a single mom, how did you discuss this? I'm aware that he has had some sex education at school and he probably understands the mechanics, the risks etc.

I just want to send a message to make good decisions, make sure he's ready, that ideally he cares for the person and that he's safe about it.