Anonymous wrote:Is there even a need for a funeral at all? We did a “celebration of life” party in memory of my dad a few months after he passed and since he was cremated we just had him interred (it had been pre-arranged) and visited as a family once it was done.

You could forego the funeral and just do your own thing with close family and friends and a time you choose. Let her do her own thing as well. Funerals are for the living.

OP here. This may be an option. Thank you. I will look through the paperwork. I don't think he pre-paid a funeral, but will double check.

To be in control, even to the point of hiring a middleman, you need some kind of authority. You need to see a lawyer to pin that down. After that you can hire anybody you want to “front.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could your dad pre-write his obituary? I sometimes see two different obituaries for the same person and wonder if they are by two arguing sides of the loved one.

OP here. Too late for that given his state and we probably won't have an obit. After mom died, we had an obit and scammers started contacting dad and this continued as he declined. The amount of information really helps those trying to claim anything from they kidnapped a grandchild to "I am an old college friend of Jane's and I just heard of her passing. Do you want to meet for coffee?" I even got a crazy call from someone claiming he saw the obituary and mom owe's him money. We will announce the passing, but save the type of things you put in a obituary for the funeral speech. A couple of my friends have had similar experiences.

But who is there left to scam if your dad is deceased?

Elderly relatives, you in the next 20-25 years when you decline, your children. The less info you put online the better. Some is already there, but no need to verify it with an obit. You can write a beautiful dedication, share it at the funeral and email it to loved ones.

I've been through three nuclear family deaths in the last five years and handled all these details in consultation with my siblings. Yes, scams happen and I am the first one to scream "scam" to DH, but this didn't happen to us. Posting their life stories on line brought us in contact with people I would have not contacted about the funeral - truly appreciated it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could your dad pre-write his obituary? I sometimes see two different obituaries for the same person and wonder if they are by two arguing sides of the loved one.

OP here. Too late for that given his state and we probably won't have an obit. After mom died, we had an obit and scammers started contacting dad and this continued as he declined. The amount of information really helps those trying to claim anything from they kidnapped a grandchild to "I am an old college friend of Jane's and I just heard of her passing. Do you want to meet for coffee?" I even got a crazy call from someone claiming he saw the obituary and mom owe's him money. We will announce the passing, but save the type of things you put in a obituary for the funeral speech. A couple of my friends have had similar experiences.

But who is there left to scam if your dad is deceased?

Elderly relatives, you in the next 20-25 years when you decline, your children. The less info you put online the better. Some is already there, but no need to verify it with an obit. You can write a beautiful dedication, share it at the funeral and email it to loved ones.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could your dad pre-write his obituary? I sometimes see two different obituaries for the same person and wonder if they are by two arguing sides of the loved one.

OP here. Too late for that given his state and we probably won't have an obit. After mom died, we had an obit and scammers started contacting dad and this continued as he declined. The amount of information really helps those trying to claim anything from they kidnapped a grandchild to "I am an old college friend of Jane's and I just heard of her passing. Do you want to meet for coffee?" I even got a crazy call from someone claiming he saw the obituary and mom owe's him money. We will announce the passing, but save the type of things you put in a obituary for the funeral speech. A couple of my friends have had similar experiences.

But who is there left to scam if your dad is deceased?

Is there even a need for a funeral at all? We did a “celebration of life” party in memory of my dad a few months after he passed and since he was cremated we just had him interred (it had been pre-arranged) and visited as a family once it was done.

You could forego the funeral and just do your own thing with close family and friends and a time you choose. Let her do her own thing as well. Funerals are for the living.

Anonymous wrote:Could your dad pre-write his obituary? I sometimes see two different obituaries for the same person and wonder if they are by two arguing sides of the loved one.

OP here. Too late for that given his state and we probably won't have an obit. After mom died, we had an obit and scammers started contacting dad and this continued as he declined. The amount of information really helps those trying to claim anything from they kidnapped a grandchild to "I am an old college friend of Jane's and I just heard of her passing. Do you want to meet for coffee?" I even got a crazy call from someone claiming he saw the obituary and mom owe's him money. We will announce the passing, but save the type of things you put in a obituary for the funeral speech. A couple of my friends have had similar experiences.

Could your dad pre-write his obituary? I sometimes see two different obituaries for the same person and wonder if they are by two arguing sides of the loved one.

Anonymous wrote:Who is paying for the funeral? Will you be the one with the payment, OP? If so, it is easier for you to dictate to the funeral home what is to be done (and not done).

No, it's his money. Honestly, when dealing with someone this difficult, there is no dictating. I simply want to survive it. I can honor and celebrate dad anyway I want once we survive the funeral. He understands/understood she is difficult, but there has always been tremendous denial about just how severe things were and both he and my mother bought into her victim mentality. I cannot ban her from the funeral or not tell her until it's all planned. They got plenty of signals from teachers, etc there were issues growing up and while the could afford it they were against mental health help. If anything in adulthood he and my mother both acknowledged she was dramatic and difficult, but were highly disappointed in me for not rallying around and her and supporting her as she faced the consequences of her actions. Our family was dysfunctional enough that I do think my dad would rather I allow her to change everything he wanted and just go along with it so that we both are there. My whole life I have been expected to go along to get along. In honor of him I would be willing to have a middleman deal with her, but let her run the show and then that will be the last time I go along to get along. After that, I'm out.

You could try a death doula: https://www.nedalliance.org/doula_directory_n_through_z.html

Who is paying for the funeral? Will you be the one with the payment, OP? If so, it is easier for you to dictate to the funeral home what is to be done (and not done).

Anonymous wrote:Why not just have your dad pre-set everything NOW? It's actually common for folks to pre-buy (and prepay especially since it gets more expensive each year) a plot, coffin, decide on a headstone, wake/funeral details, etc.

And that way, Dad decides and can pre-pay . Besides, who want to make detailed decisions when you're in mourning and can barely think straight not to mention bicker with a sibling.

Thanks. He did prepay some of that when we were planning mom's, but did not plan every detail. He is now fading and he is ill. Back then, when planning mom's funeral I had him write some of the details he wants when the time comes and I told him to share with sister as well. I would share those written wishes with a planner, but I am not willing to do in my mental health fighting for what he wants if my sister has her own ideas. She is like an addict when it comes to conflict so I do think for the dopamine rush she would go after something like that because she knows I would be upset if she tried to disrespect his wishes. I am willing to pay a middleman simply to not have interactions with her at all. We would just need the person to come up with a date she goes along with, the order of who speaks (I don't care if I am last, first, middle), whether there is music, food afterwards, etc. It should be very simply since dad did some of this, but when someone thrives on dramatics and conflict the simplest thing can turn into something that makes you physically ill.

Probably the best way is to find a competent (individual is usually better) funeral home and do a complete pre-plan, including outline of any service, music, cemetery, readings, readers, etc. Then “it is what Dad wanted” is the response, and since he was the client, not your sister, she should get politely rebuffed if she tries her usual antics, which she will.

It is dicey to include funeral plans in a will, but he could do that, and he could appoint you personal representative. You might not get the letters testamentary before the funeral, but you’d have something in writing. Ask a lawyer.

Finally, while I saw it as terribly cruel at the time, I understand better now why a family I knew did not even tell the “problem child” of the death until everything was over.

I haven’t personally seen it, but there are people who hire off duty police to cover the funeral in these circumstances.

Why not just have your dad pre-set everything NOW? It's actually common for folks to pre-buy (and prepay especially since it gets more expensive each year) a plot, coffin, decide on a headstone, wake/funeral details, etc.

And that way, Dad decides and can pre-pay . Besides, who want to make detailed decisions when you're in mourning and can barely think straight not to mention bicker with a sibling.

I have a sibling who is incredibly difficult. Her ex needed a restraining order against her. She is causing major issues in her workplace and her child emancipated from her at 16. After enough therapy exploring the way she treated me throughout childhood, I can definitely say she was emotionally abusive and there was and is personality disordered behavior ( not diagnosing, just saying there are certainly symptoms). This was not and is not normal sibling rivalry. After our first parent passed away she went completely off the rails. When the time comes, I would like to be able to plan our father's funeral without interacting with her at all. I am willing to let her do everything, but she would not. She also will not allow me to take the reigns. Are there services in northern Virginia where you can hire someone to communicate with both of us and do everything. It if comes down to the planner saying "well your sister wants x, not y" to keep things moving, I would go along with anything. I simply do not want to interact with her because it opens the door to alarming behavior.