This is my father. He has always been cautious and deliberate in all he does. Now it's developed into full-blown anxiety about leaving his routine, traveling, and he has a specific thing around skin-picking, which he makes worse by obsessing about it and fiddling around with creams and steroids and antibiotics. He's constructed a rigid schedule that he found very hard to leave even when he traveled to see us and I had timed tickets for various museums - the time didn't coincide with one of his rare windows of "free time" (meaning periods when he isn't concocting some health dish in the kitchen, or putting cream on his skin), and it was really hard getting him out of the house for the timed entry.

But talk to him about politics or finances or something like that, and he's totally rational and thoughtful. It gives all of us a lot of cognitive dissonance, even though as soon as he gets back from his summer trip, I will try to get him an appointment at the neurologist. He needs meds for skin-picking and anxiety.

Narcisist.

Also the key is to protect your dad. I say this as someone whose mother was mentally ill and my dad bore the brunt of it.
I was too young when all this started and honestly was scared of her/getting her in check but that’s what I wish I could have done!

Just try to keep her out of anything that involves other people since she is so difficult. She is free to do what she wants as long as it doesn’t affect others

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately I did have a relative who behaved similarly in the early stages. The early stages magnified personality traits that were already there. She was always frugal, but then started not being able let go of things like a half finished can of soda or a couple spoonfuls of food, etc. Also, even though she was normally self absorbed it became almost like she could only think about herself. It wasn't until years later that she started having memory issues.

In retrospect, I think early signs were her losing the ability to have sound judgement and empathy -- which admittedly she wasn't great at even at her prime.

I hope you can get a neuro evaluation, but it sounds like it will be tough if she refuses.

+1

Do GP first to rule out anything else and then neurologist. The neuro will start with some simple cognitive tests, but for full diagnosis they will need an MRI and more intensive cognitive testing (I think it's half a day or 4 hours?).

I would focus on your dad first, because you said she doesn't care about him. Does he need care himself? Can you talk to him? If he is relying on her for care she might not be able to do it anymore, and maybe that is compounding everything.

Also make sure their estate planning is done and solid. You want to do that before she has a diagnosis: AMDs, POAs, wills or trusts depending on things.

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Last night I started reading about frontotemporal dementia and honestly it really describes my mom. In some ways I feel almost validated, in other ways obviously this is very scary. I'm going to try to talk to her but I don't even know where to start. I want her to see her gp and get a referral to a neurologist, is that the right order?

Keep in mind for some with dementia they have no awareness they have a problem and will be livid you think something is wrong. There is a clinical name for the lack of awareness I may google later. So the parent thought I was crazy and siblings outside the area were in denial. Fun times!

This is OP. Last night I started reading about frontotemporal dementia and honestly it really describes my mom. In some ways I feel almost validated, in other ways obviously this is very scary. I'm going to try to talk to her but I don't even know where to start. I want her to see her gp and get a referral to a neurologist, is that the right order?

OP, my former (and now deceased) MIL had dementia, and she did get addicted to her Ipad, and did seem very self-involved. These did turn out to be early signs of dementia (as well as, she got confused driving, and no longer asked or remembered things about other family, like birthdays or where we worked).

If you can get your Mom to the doctor, you should.

My dad sounds like all of the above. His personality traits are magnified 10 fold, and he is almost OCD about certain things. His mother was the same.

He had a neuropsych evaluation that came back as early/mild dementia. Nothing you can really do about it. She recommended a geriatric psychiatrist to try to control some of the OCD/anxiety issues and improve quality of life. He is laid back for now and willing to try whatever we suggest, but I can see how this process would be harder with a more combative person.

Unfortunately I did have a relative who behaved similarly in the early stages. The early stages magnified personality traits that were already there. She was always frugal, but then started not being able let go of things like a half finished can of soda or a couple spoonfuls of food, etc. Also, even though she was normally self absorbed it became almost like she could only think about herself. It wasn't until years later that she started having memory issues.

In retrospect, I think early signs were her losing the ability to have sound judgement and empathy -- which admittedly she wasn't great at even at her prime.

I hope you can get a neuro evaluation, but it sounds like it will be tough if she refuses.

It's tough at the early stages. Could it be signs? Sure. My parents became even more rigid. However, often at the very early stages they still pass the screener. Also if it's more frontal-temporal they can pass that test for a while.

Sadly even when you have a diagnosis it's not like magical gates open and their are so many solutions. It's a mess. There are drugs that can slow things if caught early, but you just prolong the inevitable.

Are friends dumping her left and right? Can she get along at the doctor's office and other places? If there is true impairment beyond being a grumpy old lady, you could mention to her doctors so they screen for not just dementia, but things like depression and anxiety. Meds/therapy help if people are open to it, but few are.

Sounds to me like I'm-Old-I-Have-Zero-F***s-Left-To-Give syndrome.

^^cognitive, sorry

My mom's father and paternal grandmother had Alzheimer's/dementia. My grandfather had several years of gradual conflictive decline before he had to go into assisted living. During that time he became obsessive about certain topics, totally inflexible and riding in his thinking. Not necessarily argumentative or mean, just...it was his way or no way. My family accommodated him mostly.

My mom has always been like him and I'm not sure if it's getting worse or I just notice it more because I'm older and live near her now. She's always been cheap but it's become pathological lately. She's also addicted to her iPhone and iPad. Overall it's just her way or no way. She's completely inflexible- anything she doesn't want to do she won't do, even to the detriment of her relationships. She just absolutely doesn't care about anyone else, including my dad. I don't know how to describe it. Extreme self involvement. She's always been a little like this but I don't know if it's worse now and what's causing it.

Is this a sign of dementia? If so what should I do? I'm an only child. I saw the difficulties my family went through with my grandfather and g-grandmother and I just want to be prepared. Or if there's something I can do to help her I want to do that. Not that she would even necessarily agree to see someone, but who should I try to make an appointment with?

Thank you.