Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave him home and have a nice evening out. Use the dollars you save not having to buy the sports equipment to order a drink and dessert too.

Does this interaction make you sympathize with your parents more or give more perspective on your feelings of abandonment?

OP here, have you ever been abandoned? This interaction and my feelings around it cannot be compared or provide any insight in to being abandoned. My mother didn’t abandon me because I was a brat; she abandoned me to live alone with her then boyfriend .. she had her own selfish reasons that had nothing to do with me being sassy. I was in the way and she wanted to be done with raising kids. Even if I were a model child, she would have listened to her toxic boyfriend.

Op I think you need therapy. Your mom leaving you alone to be with her boyfriend is not the same as you and your spouse going to dinner without your son because he refused to come out of his room. You're scared to make him feel the same way, but you can't parent out of fear.

I get it. At this age, I would allow them to make decisions. If he didn’t want to go, then you can still go.
Some of this seems like the struggle for autonomy…the change from us telling them what their day/week/life will look like, to the time when they make those choices.
So if he doesn’t want to do something you all planned together, go without him. If he wants to be grumpy in his room - ie not raging at others or destroying property - let him.
Let go of the respect for now. You want him to appreciate how much better he has it than you did. That isn’t going to happen, he’s battling his own issues (whatever those may be). So be the bigger parent & don’t need him to appreciate what a good job you are doing overcoming your own trauma. You are doing a great job. Keep being calm & steady & go out for dinner when that is the plan, you deserve it!

Anonymous wrote:Leave him home and have a nice evening out. Use the dollars you save not having to buy the sports equipment to order a drink and dessert too.

Does this interaction make you sympathize with your parents more or give more perspective on your feelings of abandonment?

OP here, have you ever been abandoned? This interaction and my feelings around it cannot be compared or provide any insight in to being abandoned. My mother didn’t abandon me because I was a brat; she abandoned me to live alone with her then boyfriend .. she had her own selfish reasons that had nothing to do with me being sassy. I was in the way and she wanted to be done with raising kids. Even if I were a model child, she would have listened to her toxic boyfriend.

Take his phone away and replace with a him a jitterbug. Go out to dinner without him. He's old enough to make himself dinner.

Leave him home and have a nice evening out. Use the dollars you save not having to buy the sports equipment to order a drink and dessert too.

Does this interaction make you sympathize with your parents more or give more perspective on your feelings of abandonment?

You took away his Xbox and Fortnite but not the phone?

My 15 yo has recently started getting a little better with stuff like this. The poster who said it got a lot better at 16 1/2 gives me hope.

When mine has his moments, we go out to dinner without him. It’s not a punishment and I’m really calm. If there’s no food, I’ll call in the way home and ask if he wants anything from the Wendy’s drive thru or whatever fast food place we are passing. I’ve found being calm and not reactive helps even though I want to scream silently inside.

I am mystified as to why you didn’t just go out to dinner without him.

I totally get that teenagers can suck, but it also sounds like you are carrying your own baggage into this. Just because you are a better mom than your own mom was doesn’t mean you somehow get magical bonus points where your teen is nicer to you than a typical teen. You need to deal with your own emotional baggage and not let it escalate how you feel about your own kid.

Anonymous wrote:Why are you upset? You don’t have to buy him crap now. Just go to dinner.

This, its fine to go out without him.

Why are you upset? You don’t have to buy him crap now. Just go to dinner.

Anonymous wrote:He’s 15. Go to dinner without him.

Yes, act like a jerk and you don’t go.

Let him have his feelings about the dog, whatever they are. You need to carry on with plans for dinner. Not in a punishing “you acted badly so you can’t come” sort of way, but in a “I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well enough for dinner - I’ll leave you some in the fridge for when you get hungry” sort of way.

Don’t dismiss his feelings, but don’t let him dictate yours. Easier said than done, I know.

And why doesn’t he know your story? It sounds like it is a big part of you, and it might help you understand each other if you shared it with him.

Anonymous wrote:He’s 15. Go to dinner without him.

This. Mine was a jerk from 13 and a half until 16 and a half. He got it totally out of his system though and he is a lovely 18 yr old. Helpful, polite, etc. Don't give up on him but also don't take any crap from him either.

He’s 15. Go to dinner without him.

Our 15 year old has been acting like a jerk; for about ONE YEAR now. I mean.. I know the teen years are tough but I’m losing patience on how he treats me and everyone around him. He gets straight A’s so that’s not an issue; he acts like a spoiled jerk on most days. Honestly its bringing back bad memories for me when I was his age; I try so hard to be the parent I wished I had when I was a teenager. I have abandonment issues that my mom gaslights me about .. and I am so sad this child who doesn’t know my story doesn’t show the bare minimum respect.
Perfect example today after camp we planned on shopping for sports gear for him and then grab dinner out since we had not planned to go grocery shopping until tomorrow. After resting for about an hour after camp we were about to go out and he got in his feelings about something the dog did; and he decided he’s not going out. He locked the bedroom door and refused to go like a toddler. We took away x-box and FortNite about 2 months ago due to raging. Now he’s just scrolling Instagram, and we’re here without dinner. So he gets no dinner and what about us? What are the appropriate consequences for this type of behavior. WWYD?