Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Charge rent.

DS is attending college while living at home. He is actually saving us money. WHY would we charge him rent??

NP. To help him grow up and be a self-sustaining adult??

How many college kids are paying their rent? One of the reasons he is living at home is not to take any loans and graduate debt free. Do you propose he takes on a student loan to pay us rent???

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Charge rent.

DS is attending college while living at home. He is actually saving us money. WHY would we charge him rent??

NP. To help him grow up and be a self-sustaining adult??

College can do that. NP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Charge rent.

DS is attending college while living at home. He is actually saving us money. WHY would we charge him rent??

NP. To help him grow up and be a self-sustaining adult??

If that is your “main challenge” you should consider yourself lucky indeed. She will be eight different kinds of adult until she settles on one. You are stirring up drama unnecessarily, I hope you find a way to let her be herself even if it’s not exactly what you wish.

Anonymous wrote:Charge rent.

DS is attending college while living at home. He is actually saving us money. WHY would we charge him rent??

Charge rent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very little. It's the biggest heartache of my life.

I'm a 58yo dad of a 21yo daughter who splits her college breaks 50/50 between her mom and me in the same city. But she either stays in her room or goes out with friends and I rarely have any interaction with her despite my suggestions for things like dinner out, dinner in, watch a movie, etc. Her mom says it's similar over there.

At first I let it go because I heard most of my friends late teen/early adults were similar. Someone said "If she comes out of her room and goes to the kitchen, just think of it like a wildlife sighting 'Hey - a deer is in the back yard!'".

But this summer has been tough and in 2 months I have spent a sum total of less than 10 hours with her; 3hrs on Father's Day and one dinner out, plus random 5-10 minute conversations. I'm pretty hurt by this. Her mom and I did confront her about some rude and disrespectful behavior and things got a little better but I did tell her in a letter I gave her that when she prioritizes everything else above spending time with her parents, she sends me a message that I'm simply not important. I have tried to talk to her about all this but she says everything's fine and doesn't really want to talk on a deeper level.

I'm hoping for things to change because this literally keeps me up at night.

Did you evolve your relationship with her? Can you relate to her as an adult? Have adult conversations? If she thinks you will treat her like a teenager she will avoid the interaction until the dynamic shifts. That might be in a year or two. Or it might be way down the road when she has kids of her own or some other life event.

OP here. Yes, I treat her like an adult and respect her as such. I am very supportive and we do have nice conversations on the phone when she is at school (even if it takes a week to get a call back). She is also supported 100% financially for her college and living expenses. We did have a nice family visit in the midwest for her grandpa's birthday earlier this years.

I realized that my original post kind of painted in broad strokes and of course this is a nuanced situation with a lot of moving parts, not the least of which is she is a child of divorce and she is 21, which is still not a fully formed adult brain with high capacity for EQ.

She is going back to college in 10 days so I kind of feel like a clock is ticking regarding spending time together. I have told her many times this summer that is important to me and to please let me know when she has time. The last time was a week ago and she has not come back and suggested any time to get together.

I am so tired of chasing her and am now deciding whether I...

A) just wait and see what happens; does she call back and suggest a time to go to dinner? or does she play her game of avoidance?
B) call her and highlight the fact that we are 10 days from her leaving and having dinner is a must do, and insist we put a date on the calendar giving her no choice in the matter.

I was leaning toward the first option but a trusted source who is a great parent recommended the latter.

It's frustrating and exhausting, which I knew parenting would partly be, but I never would have guessed THIS would be my main challenge.

Oh well... all I can do is live my life. We shall see...

Anonymous wrote:Very little. It's the biggest heartache of my life.

I'm a 58yo dad of a 21yo daughter who splits her college breaks 50/50 between her mom and me in the same city. But she either stays in her room or goes out with friends and I rarely have any interaction with her despite my suggestions for things like dinner out, dinner in, watch a movie, etc. Her mom says it's similar over there.

At first I let it go because I heard most of my friends late teen/early adults were similar. Someone said "If she comes out of her room and goes to the kitchen, just think of it like a wildlife sighting 'Hey - a deer is in the back yard!'".

But this summer has been tough and in 2 months I have spent a sum total of less than 10 hours with her; 3hrs on Father's Day and one dinner out, plus random 5-10 minute conversations. I'm pretty hurt by this. Her mom and I did confront her about some rude and disrespectful behavior and things got a little better but I did tell her in a letter I gave her that when she prioritizes everything else above spending time with her parents, she sends me a message that I'm simply not important. I have tried to talk to her about all this but she says everything's fine and doesn't really want to talk on a deeper level.

I'm hoping for things to change because this literally keeps me up at night.

Did you evolve your relationship with her? Can you relate to her as an adult? Have adult conversations? If she thinks you will treat her like a teenager she will avoid the interaction until the dynamic shifts. That might be in a year or two. Or it might be way down the road when she has kids of her own or some other life event.

Very little. It's the biggest heartache of my life.

I'm a 58yo dad of a 21yo daughter who splits her college breaks 50/50 between her mom and me in the same city. But she either stays in her room or goes out with friends and I rarely have any interaction with her despite my suggestions for things like dinner out, dinner in, watch a movie, etc. Her mom says it's similar over there.

At first I let it go because I heard most of my friends late teen/early adults were similar. Someone said "If she comes out of her room and goes to the kitchen, just think of it like a wildlife sighting 'Hey - a deer is in the back yard!'".

But this summer has been tough and in 2 months I have spent a sum total of less than 10 hours with her; 3hrs on Father's Day and one dinner out, plus random 5-10 minute conversations. I'm pretty hurt by this. Her mom and I did confront her about some rude and disrespectful behavior and things got a little better but I did tell her in a letter I gave her that when she prioritizes everything else above spending time with her parents, she sends me a message that I'm simply not important. I have tried to talk to her about all this but she says everything's fine and doesn't really want to talk on a deeper level.

I'm hoping for things to change because this literally keeps me up at night.

Both kids live in cities more than 2 hours away. 25 year old son - talk on phone about every 7-10 days, interact a few times a week. 23 year old daughter - almost daily interactions with texts and FaceTime 1-2 times a week on the phone.

We have a standing dinner once a week when he is home from college. Other than that anything goes.

Seems about right tbh. If you want more interaction, maybe suggest a restaurant, activity, or sporting event that He likes once a week. You have to make it appealing to him on some level, more interesting or equally interesting as friends and gf. If you just expect him to be interested in the family out of benevolence loyalty etc you are going to be disappointed that’s not how young adulthood works. They are Supposed to be leaving the nest, and externally focused. If you want him to engage while he is still physically in the family space you need to draw him in somehow not just expect it.

Anonymous wrote:If your 19 year old is living with you, how much interaction do you have? Do you go out and spend time as a family with younger siblings?

Seems like we never get to spend time with DS. He is in school and working part time. But we can’t even get him to watch movie together. He seems uninterested in us or his siblings. All the focus on friends and his GF.

No 19 year old wants to live at home if it can be helped. If for some reason he is, try to give him space and don't make this time a bad memory by forcing interaction. Once the pressure is gone, his attitude may improve. As far as having focus on GF and friends, that's very normal.

They only live with us during breaks from school. We have family dinner once a week that everyone living in the house must attend. We interact daily, sometimes for 20 minutes and sometimes for four hours - depends what everyone has going on.

If your 19 year old is living with you, how much interaction do you have? Do you go out and spend time as a family with younger siblings?

Seems like we never get to spend time with DS. He is in school and working part time. But we can’t even get him to watch movie together. He seems uninterested in us or his siblings. All the focus on friends and his GF.