Anonymous
Post 06/15/2023 11:42     Subject: Spouse mentally checked out of marriage
Anonymous wrote:Spouse mentally checked out of marriage.

Kids, house, pets, friends, all set; treats partner purely practically as housemate, coparent. Polite but not interested.

Any way so save it?


Your spouse may be at fault here, but I'm going to urge you to examine your own behavior. Because I think my husband could write this and there's a good reason why he's a housemate. I won't say co-parent because he's not. He's an assistant parent, maybe.

I've done every bit of planning, prep, execution, thinking, volunteering, organizing, etc. for the family for the last two decades. He simply blows in and out at will and expects a ticker tape parade if he puts forth minimal effort. I'm burned out.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2023 10:47     Subject: Spouse mentally checked out of marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:^Btw, it absolutely sucks if he forgot the anniversary, but if you don't say something, you're part of the problem. People in healthy marriages speak up for their needs.


The first year he forgot, I got upset. More on the mad spectrum, but let it go, figured everyone messes up periodically and it's not a big deal. Last year, for our 15th, he forgot again and I explicitly told him how hurt I was, that maybe one year I understood, but for a 15-year anniversary that one hurt, and we had a whole conversation about how much it means to me to be remembered in this way, more than my birthday, which I don't care about. He said he understood and would "do better." I was out of town until last night on a work trip so my head was elsewhere and not on passively reminding him. We don't share calendars, he doesn't look at the paper one I keep in the kitchen, etc. I don't know how much more I can do and still feel valued. But seriously, never in a million years would he forget golf. It's very specifically a "me" thing.


Speak up like an adult and tell him this is a big deal to you.

I don't know why you're so hung up on golf - my husband golfs all the time and is very thoughtful.


Sigh. She already did that.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2023 10:12     Subject: Spouse mentally checked out of marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:^Btw, it absolutely sucks if he forgot the anniversary, but if you don't say something, you're part of the problem. People in healthy marriages speak up for their needs.


The first year he forgot, I got upset. More on the mad spectrum, but let it go, figured everyone messes up periodically and it's not a big deal. Last year, for our 15th, he forgot again and I explicitly told him how hurt I was, that maybe one year I understood, but for a 15-year anniversary that one hurt, and we had a whole conversation about how much it means to me to be remembered in this way, more than my birthday, which I don't care about. He said he understood and would "do better." I was out of town until last night on a work trip so my head was elsewhere and not on passively reminding him. We don't share calendars, he doesn't look at the paper one I keep in the kitchen, etc. I don't know how much more I can do and still feel valued. But seriously, never in a million years would he forget golf. It's very specifically a "me" thing.


Speak up like an adult and tell him this is a big deal to you.

I don't know why you're so hung up on golf - my husband golfs all the time and is very thoughtful.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2023 10:01     Subject: Spouse mentally checked out of marriage
Anonymous wrote:^Btw, it absolutely sucks if he forgot the anniversary, but if you don't say something, you're part of the problem. People in healthy marriages speak up for their needs.


The first year he forgot, I got upset. More on the mad spectrum, but let it go, figured everyone messes up periodically and it's not a big deal. Last year, for our 15th, he forgot again and I explicitly told him how hurt I was, that maybe one year I understood, but for a 15-year anniversary that one hurt, and we had a whole conversation about how much it means to me to be remembered in this way, more than my birthday, which I don't care about. He said he understood and would "do better." I was out of town until last night on a work trip so my head was elsewhere and not on passively reminding him. We don't share calendars, he doesn't look at the paper one I keep in the kitchen, etc. I don't know how much more I can do and still feel valued. But seriously, never in a million years would he forget golf. It's very specifically a "me" thing.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2023 09:41     Subject: Spouse mentally checked out of marriage
^Btw, it absolutely sucks if he forgot the anniversary, but if you don't say something, you're part of the problem. People in healthy marriages speak up for their needs.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2023 09:36     Subject: Spouse mentally checked out of marriage
Anonymous wrote:Mine too. Anniversary today. All signs lead to that he forgot for the third year in a row. But he wouldn't forget a golf time!


Is there a passive way to remind him? I don't mean passive-aggressive but somehow make a calendar invite pop up or something? Alexa reminder?
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2023 09:23     Subject: Spouse mentally checked out of marriage
Mine too. Anniversary today. All signs lead to that he forgot for the third year in a row. But he wouldn't forget a golf time!
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2023 08:13     Subject: Spouse mentally checked out of marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Spouse sounds busy. Do they work a job as well? I’d suggest making a plan for some alone time to have a talk about how you’re feeling. But please consider how much you’re helping with “kids, house, pets”.


+1



+2 good answer. I would also make a weekly date night (or afternoon) a mandatory part of your schedule. Build in time alone together. And make sure you each are getting enough time solo to do your own thing, too. I do not feel recharged unless I have a lot of hobby time to myself.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2023 08:10     Subject: Spouse mentally checked out of marriage
Anonymous wrote:Spouse mentally checked out of marriage.

Kids, house, pets, friends, all set; treats partner purely practically as housemate, coparent. Polite but not interested.

Any way so save it?


Only if she wants to.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2023 08:08     Subject: Spouse mentally checked out of marriage
Anonymous wrote:Spouse sounds busy. Do they work a job as well? I’d suggest making a plan for some alone time to have a talk about how you’re feeling. But please consider how much you’re helping with “kids, house, pets”.


+1

Anonymous
Post 06/15/2023 06:16     Subject: Spouse mentally checked out of marriage
Any chance she is having an affair?
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2023 06:12     Subject: Spouse mentally checked out of marriage
Spouse sounds busy. Do they work a job as well? I’d suggest making a plan for some alone time to have a talk about how you’re feeling. But please consider how much you’re helping with “kids, house, pets”.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2023 05:49     Subject: Spouse mentally checked out of marriage
Does spouse know you feel this way?
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2023 04:23     Subject: Spouse mentally checked out of marriage
Sure. Couples therapy and lots of hard work with both partners trying.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2023 03:56     Subject: Spouse mentally checked out of marriage
Spouse mentally checked out of marriage.

Kids, house, pets, friends, all set; treats partner purely practically as housemate, coparent. Polite but not interested.

Any way so save it?