Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a good friend of yours said they were not good at piano your first thought wouldn’t be “what consequences can I give my friend?” It would be huh, what’s going on and how can I help. Use this mindset with your own child.

If you paid a nice compliment to a friend of yours and they snapped back at you I think you would be wondering what their problem is. It’s not the content, it’s the tone. “I don’t think I am very good” said in a kind tone would be handled accordingly.

That was my point - it is a cry for help and I’d be wondering what was up. I wouldn’t think it was rude and needing “punishment”

DP. You are ignoring the impact the recipient of this lashing out. Just because someone may need help doesn't mean they can dump/crush someone else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a good friend of yours said they were not good at piano your first thought wouldn’t be “what consequences can I give my friend?” It would be huh, what’s going on and how can I help. Use this mindset with your own child.

If you paid a nice compliment to a friend of yours and they snapped back at you I think you would be wondering what their problem is. It’s not the content, it’s the tone. “I don’t think I am very good” said in a kind tone would be handled accordingly.

That was my point - it is a cry for help and I’d be wondering what was up. I wouldn’t think it was rude and needing “punishment”

Anonymous wrote:If a good friend of yours said they were not good at piano your first thought wouldn’t be “what consequences can I give my friend?” It would be huh, what’s going on and how can I help. Use this mindset with your own child.

If you paid a nice compliment to a friend of yours and they snapped back at you I think you would be wondering what their problem is. It’s not the content, it’s the tone. “I don’t think I am very good” said in a kind tone would be handled accordingly.

If a good friend of yours said they were not good at piano your first thought wouldn’t be “what consequences can I give my friend?” It would be huh, what’s going on and how can I help. Use this mindset with your own child.

"Your attitude is unacceptable, Dad and I will have to try various things to get you to be a more kind person. Do you have any suggestions, or shall we just begin implementing our ideas?"

For all you know, she wants to be left alone after school for a half hour to decompress or something. Or she's hungry. But if she says nothing, start with taking away screens. Then she can't have playdates (You aren't fit for public consumption when you're being cruel.). Then she can write "I will keep my mouth shut if I have nothing kind to say" `100 times. Just keep trying different things - each thing for two weeks, to see what clicks. She may think she's being funny in that sarcastic way, and doesn't realize she's missing the mark.

“ Larla a nicer response to a compliment would be……”
And wait for her to come up with it. If she can’t she can lose screens or something until she can brainstorm
( fellow parent going thru the same thing)

Yeah everyone suggesting I redirect her to say it nicer- that’s what I’ve been doing for years. Every. Time.

And yeah, it is damaging to younger child. There needs to be a consequence for her to change behavior and I just can’t figure out what a related, reasonable (as in, I can actually do it in the moment) consequence should be.

I usually would just say, "Oops. Try again." Then wait out an appropriate response.

Anonymous wrote:In the example you provided I would completely stay out of it. .

+1 if you don't you risk ruining the relationship with your daughter and between sisters.

Your younger daughter is being antagonistic here and you don't even realize it.
She probably runs to you and tells you her sister is being mean.


In the specific examples you provide id tell your younger daughter to give the older one some space and find something else to do while her sister is practicing..

In other scenarios I would tell her that I appreciate she's upset, frustrated etc. But her tone is harsh rude hurtful etc and doesn't make me or others want to engage. .
I would not get into back and forth or making them repeat how I prefer they say it or punishment.

OP my almost 11yo DD can be like this with me… I’ve told her that sometimes things are just conversational and when you answer like that you just shut it down and it’s rude. I’ve started getting on it every single time and telling her we need to practice conversing if she can’t do it naturally. I know it’s an age thing but it’s annoying.

In the example you provided I would completely stay out of it. .

Anonymous wrote:Wtf don't punish your child for being depressed or upset. No wonder she thinks she's terrible.

Clearly, you've posted on the wrong thread.

Wtf don't punish your child for being depressed or upset. No wonder she thinks she's terrible.

Keeping in mind that you have to pick/choose your battles, when one kid says something mean to another kid or in a tone that is mean/insulting, I make them say 3 positive things about their target (and they have to be 3 distinct, true things) or find 3 ways to say their response in a way that is socially correct. Since I am the queen of consequences, it wasn't hard to get my kids to comply with that requirement. I realize they don't really mean it in the moment and that they rush through it but it, at least, interrupts the stream and they get tired of having to do it.

The kids are now older teens and I haven't had to do it in at least 2 years. I also have repeatedly made statements that if you wouldn't treat a stranger/friend this way, why would you treat your family worse? I recognize a lot of this is common teen behavior but that doesn't make it acceptable. I also think it's important for their target to hear that as well.

Dd has had a sharp tongue for quite a while. Coupled with the tween years, it’s just intolerable. How do you correct the random, meaningless, mean tone? Ex. Younger sibling says to dd “you’re getting good on the piano”. Dd says “no I’m not” in a harsh, mean tone. My policy has been to consistently say that’s not an acceptable way to speak and to ask her to try again. This is not working!