Anonymous wrote:We distinguished tattling v. asking for help. If you just want the person to get in trouble, it's tatting. If something is unsafe or someone might get hurt or you need a grownups help, it's not tattling.

So we have tried to have similar discussions before, and I do think the school will address actual hitting. But based on whatever was said to my son he thinks they don’t want to hear about kids saying “I’m going to punch you in the face “. At this age (they are both 5) I can see how saying something like that once is not crazy. But it sounds like it’s happening a lot and to multiple kids and now my son feels like he’s supposed to be ok with that, which is what is bothering me the most.

He doesn’t want me to talk to the teacher because he feels like he did the wrong thing by telling me about the whole conversation (because he thinks it’s tattling).

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - this child was previously his best friend and their assigned seats are at the same table. I always told my kids to just play with someone else if a friend is not being nice, but he said he isn’t allowed to switch tables. So I asked the teacher if she had noticed this too and would she recommend they switch tables. She minimized it, and at the time of the conversation things were not so bad so I didn’t push, but I saw first hand some of the behavior myself yesterday (including another child being hit) and it seems to be escalating.

I would insist on the switch at this point. Daily threats are too much.

This is OP - this child was previously his best friend and their assigned seats are at the same table. I always told my kids to just play with someone else if a friend is not being nice, but he said he isn’t allowed to switch tables. So I asked the teacher if she had noticed this too and would she recommend they switch tables. She minimized it, and at the time of the conversation things were not so bad so I didn’t push, but I saw first hand some of the behavior myself yesterday (including another child being hit) and it seems to be escalating.

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure that’s what she said? It doesn’t really make sense, how would the kids know what he said to you (vs a teacher.). I Would check with her what she actually meant/said.

That said, if your kid is threatened everyday then you should request he be moved away from the other kid. That seems more important than the teachers advice.

Kids this age say stuff like "I'm going to tell my mom what you said" all the time.

Are you sure that’s what she said? It doesn’t really make sense, how would the kids know what he said to you (vs a teacher.). I Would check with her what she actually meant/said.

That said, if your kid is threatened everyday then you should request he be moved away from the other kid. That seems more important than the teachers advice.

Some teachers are so bad at this. Some are great but some are bad. Here's what is bad about this particular teacher's approach:

- Tattling v. telling a teacher what they need to know is such a confusing concept for kids this age. Kids need guidance. Instead of saying "don't tattle" which could lead a kid to avoid sharing something important, say things like "is it impacting you? is anyone getting hurt? if not, don't worry about it and mind your own business." This helps them learn when something rises to the level of needing to tell and adult and what doesn't.

- Telling a child "if you do X other kids won't like you" is an abdication of your job as a teacher at that age. Instead, you should be walking the kids through resolving their differences amicably. Not setting it up so telling on another kid is justifiable grounds for ostracism. You're just contributing to social disfunction.

It's fine to encourage kids to sort things out themselves instead of involving a parent or teacher every time. But then you also need to teach them some tools for doing that. Not just say "oh if you tattle, the other kids won't like you." JFC.

Anonymous wrote:How do you talk to your kids about tattling? I have always really encouraged my kids to work things out themselves but at my older child ‘s school they take talking about hitting much more seriously.

Not ok - telling an adult to get someone "in trouble".
Encouraged - telling an adult because you need their help with a situation.

Yeah, that's complete bs especially at that age. You can teach your child the difference between tattling and telling an adult about unsafe actions. A teacher/trusted adult should never say something like that without context to a young child.

How does the teacher know your kid is going to tell his mom? Is your child saying that he is going to tell you?

That’s absolute BS. Kids can tell their parents anything they want. To have a teacher tell them otherwise is dangerous and I would address it immediately with the director.

We had an incident at our preschool where a substitute let 4yr olds watch a cartoon on her phone “as a treat” - the school is normally no screens. Then she told them not to tell anyone. We had to have a social worker come in and talk to the kids about the difference between secrets and surprises, how you can always tell your parent / care taker anything even if it might “ruin a surprise”. That no adult should ever ask you to keep a secret and you should tell a different adult immediately if someone asks you to keep a secret.

Teachers can also work with kids at age 3/4 to learn the difference between tattling and telling a trusted adult. They should be coached in social skills to work out some disputed themselves.

I can understand a teacher discouraging tattling to her. Since the source is a preschooler, it’s possible they did not understand the difference between tattling to a teacher and telling a parent about what happened at school. It’s also possible that the teacher does not understand the rules surrounding threats or injuries. It’s true the school won’t write on the form or tell me who bit/kicked/hit my child, but my child can tell me themselves.

Nope, you don't get to tell my kid to keep secrets from me. Adults telling kids to keep secrets, other than surprises (temporary secrets where you know the person will be happy when they find out, like waiting till you're at the dinner table to tell both your parents together that you got an A on your spelling test, or asking Dad to help you hide the card you made for mother's day), is a huge red flag.

Having said that, I don't see how the teacher or other kids know that your kid is telling you unless you're doing something with that information. What are you doing with the information?

A favorite 1st grade teacher told us a long time ago to believe half the things the kids say happened at school. And she'd believe half the things they say happened at home. Just let the kid talk and vent. You don't have to do anything.
Another thought- maybe you get involved so this advice is specific to your kid? Maybe you have a reputation that's affecting his friendships? No idea, just a thought based on your post.

We distinguished tattling v. asking for help. If you just want the person to get in trouble, it's tatting. If something is unsafe or someone might get hurt or you need a grownups help, it's not tattling.

How old is the younger kid you’re asking about?

Apparently my child’s teacher told him that if he complains about other kids to his mom, he won’t have any friends. I understand discouraging tattling especially the normal stuff like you aren’t my friend anymore whatever but the other child is repeatedly telling other kids he is going to punch/kick them in the face. He’s typically a nice kid and I know the family enough to know there’s some upheaval behind this (think divorce type upheaval) but I am really not happy about the threatening to punch/kick. I do know he’s actually punched at least one kid (not mine). The school year is nearly over and we’ve generally been happy but I am most upset that my son thinks he can’t tell me that people are threatening to punch him every single day.

How do you talk to your kids about tattling? I have always really encouraged my kids to work things out themselves but at my older child ‘s school they take talking about hitting much more seriously.