Anonymous wrote:My SIL is a socially awkward, mean 37 yo. Never married. Will probably never marry. She and ILs live 3000 miles away. She lives separately from ILs, moved out at 30. We have 5 kids and ILs only grandkids. SIL loves to control MIL. My DH is retiring from the military this week. He invited his parents, who are coming. MIL is already here, FIL is joining with SIL Monday. SIL was never specifically invited. We maintain no relationship with her. Our 18 you daughter specifically dislikes her. She never calls or texts any of our family. Ever. I will text her every now and again to no response. Last year she tagged along uninvited again for daughters graduation.
Last year she complained of sleeping arrangements as she was in my office, and I had to get her up so I could work. She booked an online painting class with Jodie Sweetin that we had to clear out of our open concept dining room for her to participate in. My MIL stressed the whole day about this and shushed us in our adjacent tv room during the debacle. SIL planned tours for in laws that meant they couldn’t go to dinner for daughters graduation. This year - through my MIL — she’s demanded a room in our house devoted to her so she can telework while here. With 2 separate monitors and preferably the room she sleeps in. We were also planning on going to the beach with MIL this weekend, but MIL refused to join because SIL thought it was unfair to come to our house empty (with her dad) for 16 hours. SIL does nothing for ILs - they cook for her and watch her dog.
I’m looking for advice on how to make it clear she is not invited to these events ever again and to get through the next week with my very full house (no pun intended).

YTA

If she's demanded specific accommodations in your house (via MIL), both you and DH should respond that you cannot provide what she wants, and she would be more comfortable at a hotel. Your DH needs to inform his family that 1. SIL needs to communicate directly with you about her plans if she plans to visit, 2. people should visit only when invited, and 3. your home is not a resort, and that while staying there, they need to accommodate your family's needs and plans, not the other way around - if they need private space, they can stay at a hotel.

I cannot even imagine visiting a relative uninvited, making someone give up their beach trip, or taking over their common space for my remote seminar! The parents and SIL sound extremely codependent, with them filling in for her social deficits and unable to say no to her. You can't change that dynamic, but you can set boundaries for your home and family. Your DH needs to be on the same page with you. I'm sure he is used to all this having grown up in this family, but needs to understand that bringing uninvited guests/assuming you are invited, refusing to communicate directly, and commandeering the common areas of your host's house is not normal or polite behavior, and while you want a good relationship with his family, you are done putting up with their rudeness.

If they get hotel rooms, be sure to get them a suite with a kitchen. That way, they won't be expecting you to pay for their expensive restaurant meals all week long nor will they have to eat at restaurants all week long.

Tell them there is a plumbing issue and that you are down to one bathroom between the 7 of you and really can not host them!

Sounds like a passive aggressive SIL. Send her an email with a list of chores she will be expected to do while at you house- food shopping and cooking a meal for one night or she can host a restaurant meal, laundry, vacuuming her room and cleaning the bathroom she uses, tell her to bring her own towels and bed linens.

Man tough crowd here today!

It sounds like SIL is in a different phase of life and perhaps doesn’t understand (or maybe care) how her demands and inflexibility impact others—especially with there are other houseguests and children. And maybe MIL feels the need to include SIL, maybe SIL feels like she can’t say no to her mom, etc. There’s a lot going on here.

This is not the time to make a stink, OP. Tell SIL that you cannot accommodate her this time and suggest a hotel. If she refuses to get a hotel, put her up wherever you can and when she complains, remind her that you told her it wasn’t going to be what she wanted but this is the best you could offer, and that she could’ve stayed in a hotel. Or just ignore and focus on making the time memorable for your DH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your disdain for this woman has caused her to to not want a relationship with you. How much older are you to your SIL? And why are you making arrangements for her stay? That’s up to your husband. He’s clearly not upset his mother isn’t coming to the beach.

Also his mom has her own agency she's not being controlled by MIL

Seems to me op feels like she's superior because she's married and has children and because that her mil should prioritize her.

Yes, OP’s opening statements make that VERY clear.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your disdain for this woman has caused her to to not want a relationship with you. How much older are you to your SIL? And why are you making arrangements for her stay? That’s up to your husband. He’s clearly not upset his mother isn’t coming to the beach.

Also his mom has her own agency she's not being controlled by MIL

Seems to me op feels like she's superior because she's married and has children and because that her mil should prioritize her.

Clearly there's a larger backstory here for why you hate your SIL.

I don't think your husband's big retirement is a time to have a standoff.

If she truly is manipulative and controlling she will make herself the victim and you will be the one everyone else is mad at.


Also Mil has her own agency.

Just suggest hotels for everyone.

First off, congratulations on your husband's retirement! That is a big accomplishment. Also, congratulations on your daughter's graduation - a true milestone.

Now about your SIL. It sounds as though she is viewed as a "package deal" by your IL's and possibly by your husband, too. She feels obligated to attend these events because her mom (your MIL) expects her to. It doesn't sound as though SIL enjoys tagging along but does so to stay in your MIL's good graces. It is hard for a single woman who lives alone to adjust/adapt to a houseful of kids so she needs her "alone time" which is something you likely never get, yourself, and which makes her seem like a prima-donna who is trying to control your house.

You, in the meantime, have the chore of cleaning and getting your house rearranged and readied for guests, meal planning, excursions, etc while riding herd on 5 kids. You bend over backwards for your ILs trying to be a good host but wind up feeling used and resentful because they really don't seem to appreciate your efforts.

As far as how to avoid this in the future my suggestion would be to book hotel rooms. Your in-laws can pay for their own and your SIL can either room with them or get her own hotel room or just not come at all - her choice. You can meet up at restaurants and for the planned events. Tell them that your house has a plumbing issue or a flea infestation or mice - whatever you need to. Once you break the cycle of SIL begrudgingly tagging along to your house, I think it will be easier for her to bow out of future events w/o falling out of her mom's good graces.

Or your husband can talk to his parents and let them know that your house is too full to be able to host SIL her own private space. Maybe she can attend the event via Zoom?

"We can't provide the kind of accommodations you want, but the following hotels are near our house, so it will be easy for you to come over as your schedule permits. There's also coworking space at [address]. I know DH would really love it if you could attend, but we understand about work demands"

This is a you problem/DH problem. Don’t let her in the house, it’s that simple. DH texts her:

“We weren’t planning on hosting you, and we did not invite you. Last time that you stayed here, uninvited, you complained. You will not be staying here again. Here are the three hotels closet to our house: X, Y, Z.”

This is a really important time for your DH. Why would you start a family war? That’s not petty. It’s mean - to your DH. Find another time to make your statement.

Sounds like your disdain for this woman has caused her to to not want a relationship with you. How much older are you to your SIL? And why are you making arrangements for her stay? That’s up to your husband. He’s clearly not upset his mother isn’t coming to the beach.

Oh calm down. Just tell your MIL—nicely—that you don’t have room for her but if she really wants to join the closest hotel is a Sheraton on Main St. Do the same thing next time. She’ll eventually get it.

My SIL is a socially awkward, mean 37 yo. Never married. Will probably never marry. She and ILs live 3000 miles away. She lives separately from ILs, moved out at 30. We have 5 kids and ILs only grandkids. SIL loves to control MIL. My DH is retiring from the military this week. He invited his parents, who are coming. MIL is already here, FIL is joining with SIL Monday. SIL was never specifically invited. We maintain no relationship with her. Our 18 you daughter specifically dislikes her. She never calls or texts any of our family. Ever. I will text her every now and again to no response. Last year she tagged along uninvited again for daughters graduation.
Last year she complained of sleeping arrangements as she was in my office, and I had to get her up so I could work. She booked an online painting class with Jodie Sweetin that we had to clear out of our open concept dining room for her to participate in. My MIL stressed the whole day about this and shushed us in our adjacent tv room during the debacle. SIL planned tours for in laws that meant they couldn’t go to dinner for daughters graduation. This year - through my MIL — she’s demanded a room in our house devoted to her so she can telework while here. With 2 separate monitors and preferably the room she sleeps in. We were also planning on going to the beach with MIL this weekend, but MIL refused to join because SIL thought it was unfair to come to our house empty (with her dad) for 16 hours. SIL does nothing for ILs - they cook for her and watch her dog.
I’m looking for advice on how to make it clear she is not invited to these events ever again and to get through the next week with my very full house (no pun intended).