OP I’m sorry for your kids that you enabled any one of them to be a bully. Parenting kids is so much more than housing, clothing and feeding them. Education begins at home and education in character is the most important obligation of a parent. The interaction between siblings is fertile ground for this education and guidance. As the daughter of parents who allowed and even encouraged my elder sibling to bully me physically and emotionally for my entire childhood and young adulthood until I estranged myself from all three of them at 30, I have no judgment for your daughter. You are lucky she still has a relationship with you. If you want to keep it, you need to STFU about her estrangement from her brother. You let this happen and it is way too late now for you to try to play the fixer. The only thing you should do is apologize to both your kids for failing them as a parent.

If your son attacked your daughter at 37, this was not the first time he physically attacked her, it's just the first time you witnessed it. I mean he's 11 years older than her, I'm not saying she's innocent in all this, but when did all this bullying start? You have a very clear bias for your son and your daughter has grown up seeing that. If you have 5 kids and he took a lot of your time and energy, did she ever have you in her corner?

If I were your daughter, I would tell both you and the brother to get a grip on his "emotional disabilities", because the next time police would be called for an assault.

My sister would physically abuse me; lots of slapping & bashing me against a wall. So I poked her in the eye once. No regrets!

Tell your daughter to leave you out of it. Don’t encourage your son to come to you with issues between him and sister. If he does, tell him you have decided to stay out if it.

They are grown ups, and can decide how they want to handle it. If they’re both abusive toward one another, it’s probably better for them not to spend extended amounts of time together. Some people just do not get along, and you enabling one kid or another is going to come back to bite you.

I have never been able to spend time with my BIL. I don’t know what it is about him, but he knows what buttons to push to make my blood boil. I have endless amounts of patience with seemingly everyone else in the world. I have gotten physically aggressive twice in my adult life, and both times it was him. It was 27 years ago, and it has never happened with anyone else. I stopped being around him for more than an hour at a time. He eventually bailed on his wife and his kids.

Anonymous wrote:If their age gap is 11 years, how did she manage to bully him? He was an adult by the time she was old enough to do it. Was he still living with you? I'm confused how an elementary school child manages to bully an adult man.

If iti's true that she bullied him for years, why didn't you do anything about it? You're the parent.

It sounds like there's a lot more going on here than what you have told us. Maybe more than you know. Maybe things you don't want to know.

+1

Stay out of it. Your DD is struggling and hopefully she will see a therapist for herself. You are clearly biased towards her brother.
How old was she when she started talking about your son's disabilities? 5? 7? 11?
That would have made him 16, 18, or 22. You should have taught him how to handle taunting by a little child, which is what she was. They sound better off going their separate ways.
And dude better learn to keep his hands to himself even when pushed or he's going to end up in jail.

You have a huge bias in favor of your son! That must have eaten away at her for years.

He is an adult. Stop protecting him.
He should get treatment for anger management. If anyone is emotionally abusive to your son, he should avoid contact with them.

There is NO justification for a grown man to put his hands in his younger sister in anger. Yet you label his behavior as “very understandable.”

I suggest you try therapy, because your reaction to your children’s dynamic is not healthy.

I would think that she has been abused or assaulted *by your son*, and this is the only time you know of, or the only incident you can't deny or rationalize away, but that it's been an ongoing thing and that's why she's mean to him.

It sounds like your daughter does not want to be assaulted again.

If their age gap is 11 years, how did she manage to bully him? He was an adult by the time she was old enough to do it. Was he still living with you? I'm confused how an elementary school child manages to bully an adult man.

If iti's true that she bullied him for years, why didn't you do anything about it? You're the parent.

It sounds like there's a lot more going on here than what you have told us. Maybe more than you know. Maybe things you don't want to know.

So I know the bullying of your son is water under the bridge. But I hope you can see that you misjudged this by allowing it if you could have prevented it.

My take on your current situation as a parent of a very difficult child (now adult) with mental illness is this. As a parent, I try to help everyone see the other side and figure out how to reconcile. I will tell you if you are unreasonable. I will commiserate if you are being treated unfairly but will guide you to a solution if you are open. But if you can’t see your part or are not going to work at it, walk away and stop complaining and making everyone miserable. I will not choose between my kids. All this being said, we have figured this out. It sucks having a mental illness and it sucks being the younger kid. And it’s hard on the parents.

Anonymous wrote:Why was your daughter allowed to bully your son? You write as if she did it for years. Is that true?

It sounds like OP is heavily biased in favor of her son, down to her rationalizing him shaking (!) his sister, so I think there’s more to this story.

Why was your daughter allowed to bully your son? You write as if she did it for years. Is that true?

Anonymous wrote:Stay.
Out.
Of.
It.

They do not have to have a relationship.

She doesn’t have to have a relationship with someone who physically shook her as an adult: that is abuse.

He doesn’t have to have a relationship with someone who bullied him throughout his childhood: that is abuse.

You’ve enabled abuse, one way or another, by and to both of them for decades. STAY OUT OF IT AND LEAVE THEM ALONE. They are adults and if they want a relationship, THEY can forge one.

Stay out if it. And did I mention, you need to stay out of it.

+1000

Stay.
Out.
Of.
It.

They do not have to have a relationship.

She doesn’t have to have a relationship with someone who physically shook her as an adult: that is abuse.

He doesn’t have to have a relationship with someone who bullied him throughout his childhood: that is abuse.

You’ve enabled abuse, one way or another, by and to both of them for decades. STAY OUT OF IT AND LEAVE THEM ALONE. They are adults and if they want a relationship, THEY can forge one.

Stay out if it. And did I mention, you need to stay out of it.

This is hard to post because I feel shame about it but I have a son and daughter who are not talking to each other. I have five kids total and my daughter tends to be very mean to my son who grew up learning disabled. Everything I read says not to take sides if your children are not speaking to you but I think my daughter is the one who is in the wrong here. My son had been bullied by her for years and he finally blew up at her and shook her. This was four years ago and he was 37 at the time and she was 26. Obviously it was not a good move for him to shake her and he acknowledged that right away. He is someone who holds in his anger and so when he finally blew he really blew.

Because I finally had had it with my daughter bullying my son and I let her have it, she is extremely bitter towards him now where it eats away every part of her life. She text me complaining about him when we’re all together for Thanksgiving because she’s obsessed with catching him making social blenders because that’s like his only flaw and that’s from learning disabilities so not his fault.

What do I do here? Do I keep giving my daughter a hard time? Am I making it worse by giving her a hard time and should I tell both just to leave me out of it? I’ve asked my son to tell me when she starts to bully him so I can say something to her. They don’t live together or anything and they’re both out on there own. However it remains an issue especially in celebrations and the family.

Again I don’t condone my son shaking his sister by any means but it was very understandable with all the bullying and his learning and emotional disabilities making him highly sensitive but wanted to hold everything in. He was bullied without mercy as a child. On my daughters and her sensitive reaction to her brother shaking her has me very concerned that she may have been abused at some point and that it was like a PTSD reaction but she refuses to acknowledge this when I talk to her about it. My son is a suicide attempt survivor so I don’t want to risk anything making him relapse that way as it’s been about 20 years since his attempt.

Any advice on how I should handle this?