See if there are things you can delegate to your siblings. You don't need to be local to make phone calls or pay bills.

This time in life is as normal as raising children, it just no one talks about it like they do with children.
Having spent the last 12 years with one parent after the other, it just seemed that no one I knew was in that place so it was isolating. The previous commenter did hit the nail on the head, assisted living is not bad for them, its that parents have different needs and the norm of a happy home to most does not currently include assisted living, but it should. It was nice to see my mom thrive in assisted living as opposed to being isolated in her home.

Think about what items can be done by your away siblings? Can one of them manage the finances from afar? Do they have a schedule to call your mom? For example, Monday is sibling 1 and Wednesday is sibling 2. This is a difficult time, hang in there and don’t take it all on yourself.

This is OP. Thanks for all of the suggestions! I love the idea of setting aside time in my calendar to focus on the mom issues. I hadn’t thought of that, and most of the time there’s really nothing super pressing that needs immediate attention. I also really like the idea of time one day to deal with the backend and “fun” time with mom another day. I can manage that.

The AL place she’s at has a program for people with cognitive issues. It’s a group where they get more attention and they have specific activities for that group, to include therapy (although the participants don’t realize it’s therapy, just one-on-one time with the guy who runs the program). They make sure to remind the group members when the activities are happening and really try to engage them. They also take field trips with the smaller group with more supervision.

My mom found this group on her own and I’ve enrolled her in it. She seems to really like the people and the activities and I think it’s helping her overall mental health.

I’m hopeful but I think the PP who pointed out how much more stressful this is than raising kids really hit the nail on the head- things are going to continue getting worse and down deep we know that, I think that contributes to the anxiety. With kids they learn and grow and need less and less. It’s the absolute opposite with our elderly relatives.

I do really appreciate the help and suggestions and place to vent. I don’t really have anyone in my real life I can talk about this kind of stuff with, and it’s nice to have support from people who have been there, or who are going through the same thing. So thank you DCUM internet people, you’ve really helped!

Ive been through this. Set aside one afternoon a week to deal with the crap. Almost all of it can be handled a day or two later (like making the appointment or negotiating the bill) and one day a week for a fun visit (we always did Saturday so that Sunday could be for me and my kid). Get her out of that place once a week even if its just to hang out in your garden or you go to brunch. It will make you dread everything a little less.

I wish I could say I have answers but very much in the same place. Right now my mom lives with me which is really the worse situation as I never have a moment to myself or time to just relax. The worry is with me around the clock. We have worked to put some things in place to help but it's turning into "one more thing to manage" scheduling caregivers and support during the day so I can go to work, planning meals and trying to find time to care for myself. When I was doing this kind of stuff for my kids I worried but not like I do now that I feel so responsible for another person's well-being. I think a lot of that stems from the fact that I know that things only get worse as they age, not better. It's exhausting and draining.

Allot a certain amount of time to her, and no more (at least start there ... with that mindset, ideally) "Mom Stuff" to do is 4:30 - 5:30pm each day (or whatever) And that includes worrying about her. I'm big on compartmentalizing worry. Works for me.

Same situation. Loved one is farther along than yours, but can't communicate anymore and has some medical issues that cause pain/discomfort as well that are really hard to get a handle on. Constantly dreading the middle of the night calls about falls, loved one in pain, ER/hospital visits that never get to the bottom of things but last 10 hours. Even when I'm not there I still feel anxiety and am anticipating the phone call from the memory care place.

Visits are not fun anymore (more bad days than good), and hiring private duty nurses/companions to fill in is extremely expensive and pointless because the loved one wants me, not some rando if that makes sense. Also can't afford it on top of the daily rate anyway.

I feel stretched so thin. Therapy helps with the guilt but not the reality of things.

Hello, OP. First, I’m so sorry about your mom. That sounds so hard. I think you should get some support in the following ways.

First, do you have POA/financial POA? And you say that your siblings are supportive but not local. Can they help you financially so you can do one of the following things?

1) Can you enroll her in a day program through her AL? That may help with her mood and level of engagement, and it takes some of the day-to-day caregiving off of you. They are extremely common at any kind of retirement community/AL/NF.

2) I would hire an unaffiliated, independent care manager to handle some of the activities you are doing yourself. There are people who do this full time and it’s incredibly valuable just to get some of your time back.

3) I’d suggest getting a support group for you—either through the Alzheimer’s association or if there’s one local. I’m in a sandwich generation group (young kids and parent caretaking) and it’s a life saver.

4) Can you ask whether the AL program has companion care or non-medical home health? It might be worth it to hire for 4 hrs per day (the typical minimum) so that someone else has some eyes on her, and it’s not all on you. Even if it’s not needed now, it will be there in the future, when it may be necessary.

Finally, two very important things that I hope you can hear and take to heart. First, do not think of it as “as much as one can thrive in AL.” Your mom is just at a different place in her life. No matter where she is living, she will be constrained by what is going on in her mind. A lot of times people think that they should be able to take care of their parents at home, because that is what they would want at that point in their life. But aging people with cognitive loss are in a different place mentally, with different needs. And you are meeting that need with a safe caregiving location that doesn’t have an exhausted, heartbroken daughter trying to take care of them alone.

Second, you must remember what your mom might have wanted for you when she was not in this state. She probably wanted you to be happy, and successful, and have a lovely family of your own. You should focus on them, and yourself. Carry that thought with you. She wouldn’t want you to spend every moment worrying about her. Of course, it’s terribly sad and you want to do right by your mom, but spend some money so that you can step away from this grief so it doesn’t consume you.

Thinking of you.

Are you my twin? LOL

I don't know the answer because I'm feeling more stressed than ever because of it ( both my parents are alive but have issues). I am going on vacation next month but of course worry about them when I'm away. I get it OP... it's something isn't it?

I hope someone who has been down this road can chime in. I’m my mom’s caregiver, POA and basic life manager. My mom has moderate cognitive decline and primary progressive aphasia. No official dementia diagnosis but all the signs of dementia are there. I’m the only local child and my siblings are supportive from afar and lend an ear when needed but don’t get involved with the day to day.

She’s in assisted living and is thriving there (well as much as someone can thrive in assisted living). She’s enjoying the people and the activities but I find myself spending time every day managing her life and engaging in activities to make her life better. And there seems to be a constant list of calls that need to be made and bills to be paid or negotiated. Just things that need to be done when it comes to her.

She’s become so much like a child now and I find that I have this almost constant low-level anxiety when it comes to her. I’m always worried about her. Worried I’m not doing enough, worried because of all the time and energy it takes to make sure she’s okay, worry about juggling my other responsibilities- I am a single parent who has a full time job and used to have a pretty decent social life.

I’m not an anxious person, I’ve never had anxiety before and these days it seems like it’s always there on some level just under the surface. I’m hoping my mom is around for a long time. I’m also hoping that at some point she’ll stabilize to the point she doesn’t need as much as she does now but realistically I think it’s going to get a lot worse as time progresses. Has anyone gone through something similar and made it out unscathed?