My husband does not like to talk about emotions, work, or unpleasant things he is going through. He will talk about relationship stuff no problem - "you forgot to clean up the xyzzy" or "I feel like we're not having enough sex" but generally doesn't talk about colleague irritations, or fears, or stuff like that. He says he "doesn't bring me that stuff" but it's clear he doesn't want to talk about it - his or mine.

I, on the other hand, could gripe about work and personal negativity all day, even when things are positive. I try to temper it and I try to emphasize that even though I complained about a colleague and a student and a task that I still love my work, but it's hard for DH to understand this concept.

I do view this as a gendered difference, mostly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So as a guy who doesn’t really understand validating, what is it? Is it different than agreeing? Can you still do it in an honest way if you think the person’s feelings are not in proportion to the issue? (I’m not suggesting telling them they’re wrong; but I might struggle to validate emotions if it means pretending a little deal is a big deal.)

When John Lennon died I was young and didn’t real know who he was or care.

My mom said , “people are very upset, you need to respect their feelings even if you could not care less”.

Ever time someone tells me something they deeply care about that makes the sad/mad/etc I think… it’s just like when John Lennon died.

Act like John Lennon died.

I love this. Just a great shorthand for being understanding and respectful of other people's feelings without having to give advice or try to fix it or whatever. Like just acknowledging they are upset and you understand why, even though you aren't upset because it's not something that impacts you.

I don’t think I agree, exactly. Respecting someone’s feelings falls short of validating them. If I’m a crying mess and someone is respectful that’s going to feel cold. Validation requires warmth.

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel connected to another person, on a deep level?

Telling jokes & laughing with them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So as a guy who doesn’t really understand validating, what is it? Is it different than agreeing? Can you still do it in an honest way if you think the person’s feelings are not in proportion to the issue? (I’m not suggesting telling them they’re wrong; but I might struggle to validate emotions if it means pretending a little deal is a big deal.)

When John Lennon died I was young and didn’t real know who he was or care.

My mom said , “people are very upset, you need to respect their feelings even if you could not care less”.

Ever time someone tells me something they deeply care about that makes the sad/mad/etc I think… it’s just like when John Lennon died.

Act like John Lennon died.

I love this. Just a great shorthand for being understanding and respectful of other people's feelings without having to give advice or try to fix it or whatever. Like just acknowledging they are upset and you understand why, even though you aren't upset because it's not something that impacts you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So as a guy who doesn’t really understand validating, what is it? Is it different than agreeing? Can you still do it in an honest way if you think the person’s feelings are not in proportion to the issue? (I’m not suggesting telling them they’re wrong; but I might struggle to validate emotions if it means pretending a little deal is a big deal.)

When John Lennon died I was young and didn’t real know who he was or care.

My mom said , “people are very upset, you need to respect their feelings even if you could not care less”.

Ever time someone tells me something they deeply care about that makes the sad/mad/etc I think… it’s just like when John Lennon died.

Act like John Lennon died.

That is a good way to think of it if it it helps you relate. OP, I was brought up in a big, emotionless family and was taught to bury feelings. As an adult, I like talking / hashing things out.

Anonymous wrote:So as a guy who doesn’t really understand validating, what is it? Is it different than agreeing? Can you still do it in an honest way if you think the person’s feelings are not in proportion to the issue? (I’m not suggesting telling them they’re wrong; but I might struggle to validate emotions if it means pretending a little deal is a big deal.)

When John Lennon died I was young and didn’t real know who he was or care.

My mom said , “people are very upset, you need to respect their feelings even if you could not care less”.

Ever time someone tells me something they deeply care about that makes the sad/mad/etc I think… it’s just like when John Lennon died.

Act like John Lennon died.

Anonymous wrote:So as a guy who doesn’t really understand validating, what is it? Is it different than agreeing? Can you still do it in an honest way if you think the person’s feelings are not in proportion to the issue? (I’m not suggesting telling them they’re wrong; but I might struggle to validate emotions if it means pretending a little deal is a big deal.)

So, here you are acting as the arbiter of what sort of emotional response another person should or shouldn't have. You should not do that. It is supremely frustrating and hinders connection. Connection comes from understanding somebody, and the vast majority of people cannot simultaneously understand somebody and pass judgment on how they are reacting.

But the answer to the original question is sometimes. If I'm experiencing a negative feeling, it can be helpful to share it. It can help the feeling, but the more important thing is that it increases my connection with those I confide in.

Anonymous wrote:So as a guy who doesn’t really understand validating, what is it? Is it different than agreeing? Can you still do it in an honest way if you think the person’s feelings are not in proportion to the issue? (I’m not suggesting telling them they’re wrong; but I might struggle to validate emotions if it means pretending a little deal is a big deal.)

Honestly I had to take a work training involving "practicing active listening" and it's very similar so I'd recommend reading up on that. E.g. first Google result: https://www.ccl.org/articles/leading-effectively-articles/coaching-others-use-active-listening-skills/#:~:text=Active%20listening%20requires%20you%20to,building%20block%20of%20compassionate%20leadership.

How do you feel connected to another person, on a deep level?

Can you just google it?

There is a plethora of research around this subject, actually too much to even link.

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/03/smarter-living/talking-out-problems.html

I have a lot of negative feeling about an event that happened in my past. I can go a while without talking about it, but sometimes I start thinking about it and then I just think about it more and more.

Obviously, I feel pretty bad when I thinking about this situation, and the more I think about it, the worse I feel. I have found that being able to spend some time talking about these negative feelings helps to make them go away for a while. They come back after a while, so talking doesn’t completely solve the problem, but it does help quite a bit.

So, yes, talking about negative feelings does help me.

So as a guy who doesn’t really understand validating, what is it? Is it different than agreeing? Can you still do it in an honest way if you think the person’s feelings are not in proportion to the issue? (I’m not suggesting telling them they’re wrong; but I might struggle to validate emotions if it means pretending a little deal is a big deal.)

I think it really depends. If talking about them helps me think them through, or allows someone else to give me validation that I need, it helps. This often happens when I talk to my best friend because...she's good at talking about feelings, asking questions, saying "could you x?" and "that is so frustrating!" And so on.

If I wind up spiraling and catastrophizing, it doesn't help. This often happens when I talk to my husband because he doesn't understand validating (is there a book somewhere?), and if a problem is actually tough to think through he just goes silent in the absence of a clear and simple solution instead of helping me think it through. He's just not an external processor, and i am, and its tough. You might think the solution would be to just never talk about negative feelings with my husband, but you can probably see the obvious problem with that.

(The original thread was in the Relationship forum.)

I was tempted to talk about my own thing in the thread where a poster was talking about her husband ignoring her to talk about his own thing. Which would have been bad manners on my part.

I am truly interested whether I'm an outlier or not when I said that I don't recall talking about my negative feelings ever resulting in my feeling better or some other improved outcome. One response said that this is not normal. Another said that identifying feelings and then talking about them strips them of their power. I totally agree that identifying them helps deprive them of their power. But I do that internally. For example, sometimes I'll feel some sort of free floating anxiety or negativity. If I focus on it, I'm usually able to identify the source and then -- even if I don't resolve the issue itself -- the negative feeling is no longer so pervasive.

But telling someone else about these things doesn't seem to help. Talking about being mad or sad or anxious usually doesn't have much effect at all. But if it has any effect, it would be to make me feel more mad, sad, or anxious. And, often as not, expressing these feelings to someone else results in a negative response from them. In that case, they feel bad, I feel worse, and nothing productive has taken place.

Maybe the negative responses from other people is somewhat of a gender thing? Coming from men, anger is scary and sadness or anxiety are seen as signs of weakness?

Or maybe I'm just abnormal. Wouldn't be the first time!