Anonymous wrote:I would just not do anything about this anymore. Don't bring it up, don't try to make it home so that he can pee and absolutely don't stay in the bathroom anymore. If he says he will stop- just say "go right on ahead!" Just be completely hands off. If he brings it up, you just say "you're a big boy, if you have to go, then go." IGNORE IT

I get that he could get a UTI, but that might be the natural consequences he needs. The world won't end.

i agree with this

I would just not do anything about this anymore. Don't bring it up, don't try to make it home so that he can pee and absolutely don't stay in the bathroom anymore. If he says he will stop- just say "go right on ahead!" Just be completely hands off. If he brings it up, you just say "you're a big boy, if you have to go, then go." IGNORE IT

I get that he could get a UTI, but that might be the natural consequences he needs. The world won't end.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will he sit on the toilet with the new nanny and not produce or just refuses to go into the bathroom with the nanny?

The latter.

np. that's a defiance issue.

Anonymous wrote:Will he sit on the toilet with the new nanny and not produce or just refuses to go into the bathroom with the nanny?

The latter.

Anonymous wrote:What have you tried so far? Did anything work? Did anything make it worse?

I’ve tried:
Bribing him with candy
Taking him to the toy store and letting him pick out any toy and promising to come back to buy it for him if he goes by himself
I’ve tried calling it going “by yourself” or “like a big boy” or “with [insert any other caregiver]”
I’ve told his teachers and they just say he tells them he doesn’t have to go when they take the kids
I’ve tried telling him it’s what big four year olds do
I’ve tried getting mad
I’ve tried getting sweet and serious
I’ve hammered the issue
I’ve laid off and tried to ignore the issue
I’ve told his pediatrician (she says it’s normal and is his temperament, rather than an error we made during potty training or the result of us working from home)
I’ve told him I can’t do this for him, but rather he has to decide he’s going to be a big boy and do this. He has to dig deep and do it.

He told us he’d do it in January. Then it was “when he turns 4.” Now it’s 5…

Will he sit on the toilet with the new nanny and not produce or just refuses to go into the bathroom with the nanny?

Anonymous wrote:Can he explain why? Is he scared? Does he want your approval? your attention?

Kids are weird and their logic doesn’t always make sense to us, but it does to them (speaking as someone who remembers as a child being weird and reaching conclusions that seemed obvious then, but as an adult I can see were sometimes pretty bizarre). I think you’re going to have a hard time changing this unless you can get to the root of the problem.

That’s interesting. I wonder. I have asked, and he just says “I just like going with mommy and daddy.” Over and over. But maybe I will try to press for more details.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this is weird. what if nanny and grandma comes into the bathroom with you for a few times? definitely weird at 4, but..maybe it would help. then, as soon as he starts peeing, you walk out.

If we walk out, he will stop his stream and freak out. If I bring in nanny/others, he will say he doesn’t want them there and only wants mommy/daddy, and won’t go until they leave.

Im sure he sounds like the most bizarre/difficult kid as I type this. But I swear he is so lovable, happy, confident, well adjusted in every other area. But this area is BIZARRE, I fully admit.

yeah, I'm a dad. I'd be like "ok, freak out. I'm out, though." he's not going to keep holding it midstream.

What have you tried so far? Did anything work? Did anything make it worse?

Can he explain why? Is he scared? Does he want your approval? your attention?

Kids are weird and their logic doesn’t always make sense to us, but it does to them (speaking as someone who remembers as a child being weird and reaching conclusions that seemed obvious then, but as an adult I can see were sometimes pretty bizarre). I think you’re going to have a hard time changing this unless you can get to the root of the problem.

Anonymous wrote:4 is old enough to reason with. Can you bribe him? Like hold a candy bar in front of his face

Have tried every bribe you can imagine. Haven’t tried physically holding it in front of his face, but will try I guess. But that requires me being there…

Other care givers have tried bribing, too.

Anonymous wrote:this is weird. what if nanny and grandma comes into the bathroom with you for a few times? definitely weird at 4, but..maybe it would help. then, as soon as he starts peeing, you walk out.

If we walk out, he will stop his stream and freak out. If I bring in nanny/others, he will say he doesn’t want them there and only wants mommy/daddy, and won’t go until they leave.

Im sure he sounds like the most bizarre/difficult kid as I type this. But I swear he is so lovable, happy, confident, well adjusted in every other area. But this area is BIZARRE, I fully admit.

4 is old enough to reason with. Can you bribe him? Like hold a candy bar in front of his face

this is weird. what if nanny and grandma comes into the bathroom with you for a few times? definitely weird at 4, but..maybe it would help. then, as soon as he starts peeing, you walk out.

My son just turned 4. His potty training history is: We started potty training him right around 2. He took to it pretty quickly and barely ever had accidents. He was in a pull up at night, which was almost always dry in the morning, until he decided himself that he no longer wanted them around age 3.5.

BUT -- he will only go to the bathroom if me or my husband stops what we're doing, walks him to the bathroom, and stands there while he goes. He does everything independently (pants, washes hands, flushes), but he ABSOLUTELY will not go if we are not physically standing with him.

This means that he holds it all morning at school (he goes five mornings and is home by lunch time). He won't go with our nanny*. He won't go with grandparents. He won't go with friends or teachers or coaches.

If we aren't with him, he will just hold it. The most extreme example of this was recently when he spent the afternoon with his grandma because we couldn't pick him up from school, so he held it from before school (8a.m. ish) until about 4:30 or 5pm. It got so bad that he sort of acted funny personality-wise that day (and I know there's some urinary connection with acting crazy, so I'm not surprised).

Because my husband and I both work in a hybrid fashion, one of us is usually with him in the afternoons. And we haven't had a weekend away from the kids since he was younger (and that weekend, my mom just put him in a pull up because he was young enough that he'd go in the pull up but refused to go with her, even though he was potty trained. He was probably 2.5).

I'm at a total loss. It's a total mental thing at this point. Maybe it's stubbornness, maybe it's control. Maybe it's anxiety. I've said everything, tried everything.

I guess we could plan a weekend away and just see what happens, but I think that will either be a massive headache/challenge for the caregiver, or he will give himself a medical problem because he will just hold it.

Help!

*The only exception to this statement is that, after a long stubborn battle from around 2.5 to about age 2, he finally went with our nanny. So that made it exactly three people he would go with, and again only if we were physically standing with him. But we moved last fall, and now we have a new nanny, and he has yet to go with her a single time.