I go back and forth. Generally I feel like my kids will be fine. But every so often I get this dread about the state of the world and about potentially huge life changes that are out of our control.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like "it'll all work out" but I don't know if that's grounded in reality or just my natural optimism. I both have that belief about my own life and constantly think of all the things that could go wrong and plan with how I'll deal with it if they do. So far it's proved true for me -- things *have* generally worked out, so that re-enforces the optimism.

I think the one main thing I would try to remember for your kids is that there's no one way to achieve adult happiness. Your kids might decide not to pursue college, and that can work out okay. Or they might go to a different type of school/major than you expect too, and that can work out. Instead of trying to plan one path forward, try and think of many options for all eventualities -- surely one of those will work out, right?

This has been key for me. The life I strived for (and now am living, lucky me!) is probably not going to look like what my kids want or what is available to them. And that's just fine. There are many paths!

I do think things will work out okay for my kids. I think it's because I focus not on all the things out there in the world that can go wrong and rather focus on the fact that my kid can handle it. And rather than focusing on results as so many on this board do (grades, college admissions, performance at sports, etc, etc) I focus on problem solving, coping skills, and independence. No matter what the world throws at them, that'll be useful.

From the time my kids were born I would ask advice from parents with older kids and to a person they would say "It generally all works out." and "If I could do it over, I wouldn't worry so much." Now that I have two in college and yes there was no shortage of challenges, I'm firmly in their camp. If you love them, support them, give them the tools to have and build healthy relationships and room to fail, they generally do find their way.

Community college would be so much better for most kids - in so many ways.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this area really intensifies the sense of rat race. I’m from a state with a high quality state flagship that’s easy to get into with any reasonable amount of effort. And at from there, with a little elbow grease, there are lots of great professional opportunities. I think the relative difficulty of getting into UMD/UVA makes people around here feel like there’s no good backup plans.

Because most people cannot afford private college tuition if their kid doesn't get into a state schools, PP. It's not just la-di-dah worries, but very real financial concerns at this point. Your kid has to be a top student to get into UVA or UMD. After that, it's lower-tier publics. After that, community college. A small minority (but very present on DCUM) can afford more expensive solutions.

I don’t know why you have taken the tone of correcting me while just re-stating what I just said.

I think most of us should move before our kids’ instate options are locked in.

Many people are here in DC jobs that don't transfer elsewhere. And you're... very sensitive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this area really intensifies the sense of rat race. I’m from a state with a high quality state flagship that’s easy to get into with any reasonable amount of effort. And at from there, with a little elbow grease, there are lots of great professional opportunities. I think the relative difficulty of getting into UMD/UVA makes people around here feel like there’s no good backup plans.

Because most people cannot afford private college tuition if their kid doesn't get into a state schools, PP. It's not just la-di-dah worries, but very real financial concerns at this point. Your kid has to be a top student to get into UVA or UMD. After that, it's lower-tier publics. After that, community college. A small minority (but very present on DCUM) can afford more expensive solutions.

I don’t know why you have taken the tone of correcting me while just re-stating what I just said.

I think most of us should move before our kids’ instate options are locked in.

Anonymous wrote:I think this area really intensifies the sense of rat race. I’m from a state with a high quality state flagship that’s easy to get into with any reasonable amount of effort. And at from there, with a little elbow grease, there are lots of great professional opportunities. I think the relative difficulty of getting into UMD/UVA makes people around here feel like there’s no good backup plans.

Because most people cannot afford private college tuition if their kid doesn't get into a state schools, PP. It's not just la-di-dah worries, but very real financial concerns at this point. Your kid has to be a top student to get into UVA or UMD. After that, it's lower-tier publics. After that, community college. A small minority (but very present on DCUM) can afford more expensive solutions.

Yes, I generally think it will all work out for my kids because they have so many built in advantages (educated parents with money, large supportive family, high intelligence, etc.) that there is room for them to fail and still end up ok. I know that a lot of people are walking a much less forgiving path that don't have the same kind of room for error.

I think this area really intensifies the sense of rat race. I’m from a state with a high quality state flagship that’s easy to get into with any reasonable amount of effort. And at from there, with a little elbow grease, there are lots of great professional opportunities. I think the relative difficulty of getting into UMD/UVA makes people around here feel like there’s no good backup plans.

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?
Are you a single parent? (I was.)

Child is 6.

Not a single parent but I am largely solo-parenting (military spouse).

How old is your child?
Are you a single parent? (I was.)

No, because my oldest has had special medical needs since he was born, and then a few years later was diagnosed with ADHD and ASD. So, lifelong worry for that kid.

My neurotypical child I don't worry about. She'll do fine. And I don't worry about all the stuff you just said. It's like I have a finite amount of worry that I place entirely upon DS, and after that I have no worry left for the rest

I feel like "it'll all work out" but I don't know if that's grounded in reality or just my natural optimism. I both have that belief about my own life and constantly think of all the things that could go wrong and plan with how I'll deal with it if they do. So far it's proved true for me -- things *have* generally worked out, so that re-enforces the optimism.

I think the one main thing I would try to remember for your kids is that there's no one way to achieve adult happiness. Your kids might decide not to pursue college, and that can work out okay. Or they might go to a different type of school/major than you expect too, and that can work out. Instead of trying to plan one path forward, try and think of many options for all eventualities -- surely one of those will work out, right?

I ask because I don't always feel this way, and I want to.

I worry a lot, about all kinds of things, and sometimes it's hard for me to just have this faith that it will all work out in the end. I think to be the kind of parent I want to be, I need some of this.

I worry about the state of public education, the high cost of college (and the challenge of getting in), the problems with mental health that seem to be getting worse, and so many other things. I have a lot of faith in my child as a person but I also look around and think about how hard it's going to be to navigate all this, and also feel unprepared to navigate a lot of it as a parent.

Not trying to optimize my kid's life or snowplow all problems. Just worry that I won't be able to adequately prepare my child for a world that I don't even know what it's going to look like by the time my kid is grown.

Anyone else feel like "it'll all work out" and have some words of wisdom for me?