Anonymous wrote:Depends, they are adults but as long as I pay for things, I get a say. If they want to be grown, they can support themselves.

I 100% disagree.

I paid for my children's colleges, and for their expenses, but I never expected a say in anything. They are free to live their lives as they wish.

My only ask of them is that they communicate with me every week. Even that was hard for them while in college, but we've kept it up after they graduated from college.

I don't want to lose touch with my children, but I will never be one of those parents who uses money as a means of control. Never. Any money I give them is a gift, and I expect them to use it properly and responsibly.

Financial power is a huge control.

Anonymous wrote:And that can be difficult to hear. You have absolutely zero control over them from that point onwards.

You are totally wrong, OP.

I don't have "control" over my adult children, legally, but I have a good relationship with them, and they do turn to me for advice. They count on me, and I am glad that we have that relationship where they come to me if they need help with something (not money!).

Why would you want to "control" your adult children anyway? If you've raised them right, your goal is to raise independent, thoughtful adults who can manage their own lives responsibly.

But kids don't suddenly become adults the moment they turn 18. It's a process of gradually gaining control over their lives and making decisions they are comfortable with. It's painful on both sides as that separation proceeds, but it's healthy and the right thing to do. We don't want our children to be dependent on us forever, but we do want them to see us as a resource they can tap when needed (again, not financially).

Anonymous wrote:Depends, they are adults but as long as I pay for things, I get a say. If they want to be grown, they can support themselves.

I mean, according to the law you are giving a gift to another adult. It’s not a contract. You can always tell them to leave and withdraw that gift.

Anonymous wrote:I wish my 20 year old could make his own decisions but his mental health declined so much he's more dependent on me than when he was in HS.

Same. It’s been a rough year.

Hang in there and look into joining NAMI’s Family to Family class

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends, they are adults but as long as I pay for things, I get a say. If they want to be grown, they can support themselves.

Lots of parents would prefer to control their kids financially for as long as possible.

It’s not controlling you. Think of it as an employment contract. You are free to quit and find employment elsewhere but your employer isn’t going to pay your salary if you aren’t doing any work.

You want an expensive prom dress, gas money, new clothes, summer travel, fully paid college, no cost housing, paid for cell phone, no cost health insurance, the list goes on and on. This is fine but then you are obligated to follow house rules.

I am in agreement. You are under no obligation to follow my rules, but I’m under none to pay for any discretionary items.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends, they are adults but as long as I pay for things, I get a say. If they want to be grown, they can support themselves.

Lots of parents would prefer to control their kids financially for as long as possible.

It’s not controlling you. Think of it as an employment contract. You are free to quit and find employment elsewhere but your employer isn’t going to pay your salary if you aren’t doing any work.

You want an expensive prom dress, gas money, new clothes, summer travel, fully paid college, no cost housing, paid for cell phone, no cost health insurance, the list goes on and on. This is fine but then you are obligated to follow house rules.

Not if they aren’t financially independent. My kid always wants money for something and won’t bother to get a job. If you are going to live under someone else’s roof and expect them to fund all your needs and desires then you have to follow their rules.

I wish my 20 year old could make his own decisions but his mental health declined so much he's more dependent on me than when he was in HS.

Anonymous wrote:But what if I don’t want them to spend the night at their girlfriend’s house? Or ride Uber alone? Or be nice to their siblings? Then what?

Kick them out, but do know that they might not speak to you again. So pick your battles & tread carefully.

I think I am fairly good at influencing people, so hopefully I can at least avert him from sheer stupidity

Anonymous wrote:Depends, they are adults but as long as I pay for things, I get a say. If they want to be grown, they can support themselves.

Lots of parents would prefer to control their kids financially for as long as possible.

But what if I don’t want them to spend the night at their girlfriend’s house? Or ride Uber alone? Or be nice to their siblings? Then what?

Depends, they are adults but as long as I pay for things, I get a say. If they want to be grown, they can support themselves.

And that can be difficult to hear. You have absolutely zero control over them from that point onwards.