You meet them where they are. You identify the things they do remember and look for ways to let them talk about that. Then you listen and ask questions. For me it is asking about growing up in a farm. My parent will go on and on, round and round about farm life. I cry when I leave. My goal is to help make that part of their day pass more pleasantly. They won’t remember the visit but a baby doesn’t remember you singing to them and yet we still do it.

Things I do when visiting my relative with dementia:
Watch TV: she likes travel videos
Look at old photos
Listen to music, sometimes sing along
Pray (she remembers a lot of prayers)
Put lotion on her hands and paint her nails
Sit on the patio of her assisted living place
Go to the exercise classes at her facility... you can also find chair yoga and similar videos online and do them together
Paint with water books
Her facility has a playroom for when kids come to visit and it was great when my sister and niece came... watching a child play was really pleasant for her and developmentally, listening to children's books is about where they were both at.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have tips on visiting loved ones with dementia? I have trouble not crying, just seeing how much they don't remember but are trying to. I hear from their closest caregivers that they really appreciate all visits, and thankfully are still very pleasant and not agitated. I have experienced agitation and meanness in the past with other relatives, which was hard in a different way. It didn't make me cry because I could steel myself to it.

How do you get through these visits without breaking down? How best to leave a visit if they feel like you just arrived and cycle through the same pleasantries? Should I bring photos? Something else to distract or focus on? Do you think it makes a difference for them to have visitors?

IME with my parents who have dementia, it's not really that they are "trying to" remember anything. They have their own reality.

And to add to this, in my experience it’s best to go along with their reality, rather than try to correct things they get wrong.

So if they say "so how did we meet again? Was it in the park?" Do I just say "I met you when I was a child, I'm your sister's daughter?" Or say "yes, maybe it was the park?"

I don't know the right answer, but if it was my grandma with dementia I would say "we have been to a park together! My name is Name and I am your granddaughter." And then I might bring up a park -related anecdote like "I remember seeing a picture from when you were a young woman in Prospect park standing by cherry trees ..." because she is likely to remember that and be able to talk about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have tips on visiting loved ones with dementia? I have trouble not crying, just seeing how much they don't remember but are trying to. I hear from their closest caregivers that they really appreciate all visits, and thankfully are still very pleasant and not agitated. I have experienced agitation and meanness in the past with other relatives, which was hard in a different way. It didn't make me cry because I could steel myself to it.

How do you get through these visits without breaking down? How best to leave a visit if they feel like you just arrived and cycle through the same pleasantries? Should I bring photos? Something else to distract or focus on? Do you think it makes a difference for them to have visitors?

IME with my parents who have dementia, it's not really that they are "trying to" remember anything. They have their own reality.

And to add to this, in my experience it’s best to go along with their reality, rather than try to correct things they get wrong.

So if they say "so how did we meet again? Was it in the park?" Do I just say "I met you when I was a child, I'm your sister's daughter?" Or say "yes, maybe it was the park?"

I'm a pp that said "IME with my parents..."

My parents basically reverted back to their childhood. Both of my parents have made statements that they think we (my siblings and I) are THEIR siblings. Last week, my dad was talking to someone on the phone and was referring to my brother (his son) as HIS father. My Dad also thought my mom (his wife) was HIS mom...and my mom thought my dad was just a complete stranger.

If you say "I'm your sister Alice's daughter" you may get a response like "Alice has a daughter?"-in a shocked voice--because she thinks she and her sister are still just little girls, kwim? At least, that's how it was with my family members...I guess other people could be different.

Just repeating a lot of what others said. Mom has mean angry dementia, but dad had sweet dementia. With dad he loved things that triggered happy memories he still had-the old memories. So yes to old photos, favorite music from the past, favorite foods. even singing a favorite song together if the person likes that. Also, spend time in a setting that creates joy and relaxation if possible-maybe outside listening to the birds near a garden.

Don't ever correct the poor memory or do anything that reminds the person he/she is impaired. Keep is short and sweet. Smile a lot. Focus on the present and long ago. They can truly enjoy the moment and they can usually remember pleasant old memories. The in-between is where the stress comes.

Just go. It’s about them, not about you.

Sorry that’s harsh but it’s true. When a loved one has a terrible illness like dementia, it’s likely not going to be a pleasant visit. Just do it anyway. It helps the person w dementia and their caregivers as well and it’s the right thing to do.

Bring pictures, bring music, bring something you can watch together (video, tv show), bring a game to play (if they can do this). You don’t even have to talk much. My relative w dementia loves looking at pictures of the kids and watching I love Lucy and playing solitaire (we play together) and going for walks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imho the only reason to visit is to show caregivers that they are being supervised and can’t slack off. This is especially true for facilities; less so for home based care. And probably not relevant if the caregiver is someone you trust like another family member.
I would go very rarely and not feel bad about it. Appreciation of visits is most likely just in the caregivers’ imagination.

I wonder how much this is true?

You are assuming the disease process is the same progression and same stage for everyone. Some people it is flashes of cognition, some people it is a few hours at a time, or a good / bad day.

The good feelings stay even after you leave, even though your loved one may not recall exactly why, they will feel safe and cared for. That matters.

- work in the assisted living / nursing home biz

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have tips on visiting loved ones with dementia? I have trouble not crying, just seeing how much they don't remember but are trying to. I hear from their closest caregivers that they really appreciate all visits, and thankfully are still very pleasant and not agitated. I have experienced agitation and meanness in the past with other relatives, which was hard in a different way. It didn't make me cry because I could steel myself to it.

How do you get through these visits without breaking down? How best to leave a visit if they feel like you just arrived and cycle through the same pleasantries? Should I bring photos? Something else to distract or focus on? Do you think it makes a difference for them to have visitors?

IME with my parents who have dementia, it's not really that they are "trying to" remember anything. They have their own reality.

And to add to this, in my experience it’s best to go along with their reality, rather than try to correct things they get wrong.

So if they say "so how did we meet again? Was it in the park?" Do I just say "I met you when I was a child, I'm your sister's daughter?" Or say "yes, maybe it was the park?"

Anonymous wrote:Imho the only reason to visit is to show caregivers that they are being supervised and can’t slack off. This is especially true for facilities; less so for home based care. And probably not relevant if the caregiver is someone you trust like another family member.
I would go very rarely and not feel bad about it. Appreciation of visits is most likely just in the caregivers’ imagination.

I wonder how much this is true?

Imho the only reason to visit is to show caregivers that they are being supervised and can’t slack off. This is especially true for facilities; less so for home based care. And probably not relevant if the caregiver is someone you trust like another family member.
I would go very rarely and not feel bad about it. Appreciation of visits is most likely just in the caregivers’ imagination.

My late father had dementia.

Don’t overstay. Set a timer for yourself - whatever you think you can handle - 15 minutes is totally fine.

Bring photos - do a show and tell. Point out everyone in the photo and describe why you like some aspect of the picture (“look at Aunt Mary’s earrings! I’d wear those today!) and be upbeat. If the pictures make you tear up, that’s ok - just grab a tissue and move on, even saying you get sentimental.

Helpful to talk about maybe one event depicted in the photos. Ok to have a one sided conversation.

Music is so meaningful. I used to play my dad’s favorite 50s doo wop song on my iPhone when I’d visit. It would play quietly on repeat in the background. Sometimes he’d tap his feet. Sometimes, I’d dance to the song and he thought it was hilarious.

You don’t have to talk. Human touch is so important. You can also hold hands while you talk or give side hugs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have tips on visiting loved ones with dementia? I have trouble not crying, just seeing how much they don't remember but are trying to. I hear from their closest caregivers that they really appreciate all visits, and thankfully are still very pleasant and not agitated. I have experienced agitation and meanness in the past with other relatives, which was hard in a different way. It didn't make me cry because I could steel myself to it.

How do you get through these visits without breaking down? How best to leave a visit if they feel like you just arrived and cycle through the same pleasantries? Should I bring photos? Something else to distract or focus on? Do you think it makes a difference for them to have visitors?

IME with my parents who have dementia, it's not really that they are "trying to" remember anything. They have their own reality.

And to add to this, in my experience it’s best to go along with their reality, rather than try to correct things they get wrong.

Anonymous wrote:Do you have tips on visiting loved ones with dementia? I have trouble not crying, just seeing how much they don't remember but are trying to. I hear from their closest caregivers that they really appreciate all visits, and thankfully are still very pleasant and not agitated. I have experienced agitation and meanness in the past with other relatives, which was hard in a different way. It didn't make me cry because I could steel myself to it.

How do you get through these visits without breaking down? How best to leave a visit if they feel like you just arrived and cycle through the same pleasantries? Should I bring photos? Something else to distract or focus on? Do you think it makes a difference for them to have visitors?

IME with my parents who have dementia, it's not really that they are "trying to" remember anything. They have their own reality.

Can't answer all of your questions but do have some tips, which may or may not apply to your case: They probably will be neutral or will like you unless they feel threatened. As a young woman you aren't likely to be threatening to them but don't arrive with anyone. I don't think the crying is a problem, I wouldn't worry about it. Re: photos/whatever, do this for you, if you want. I wouldn't work hard to make something like this happen for them. You might say, "let me tell you about my family." And start, anyway, as if they don't know your family.

A tip for leaving: Leave when someone else comes in the room, leave then. You will be less emotional, and the patient will be distracted, so all is less intense. Think about when an aid is going to come back into the room and be ready to leave when they come. Or ask an aid to come at X time and tell them why, they will understand. No long goodbyes.

Do you have tips on visiting loved ones with dementia? I have trouble not crying, just seeing how much they don't remember but are trying to. I hear from their closest caregivers that they really appreciate all visits, and thankfully are still very pleasant and not agitated. I have experienced agitation and meanness in the past with other relatives, which was hard in a different way. It didn't make me cry because I could steel myself to it.

How do you get through these visits without breaking down? How best to leave a visit if they feel like you just arrived and cycle through the same pleasantries? Should I bring photos? Something else to distract or focus on? Do you think it makes a difference for them to have visitors?