This is OP. Relationship was pretty good before she left for school — I mean only daughter and oldest kid so nothing to compare to.

I know she was happy to get away from siblings and the noise. She communicated more freshman year, she is sophomore now and first couple of weeks she has communicated and then in dropped off, not responding to texts etc unless it was directly reflecting some need or want of hers.

I will say she is very independent and has a PT a paid job while in school etc. She has always had an independent streak but the non-communication seems so sad and also frustrating bc we do sometimes need to connect with her.

The weekly scheduled calls don’t work because she is on call for her job and we never know.

Anyway I am glad she is fine and independent but I do worry and am also sad. I think what a PP said is prob true, we are thinking about her all the time and she is thinking about us not at all

I negotiated a ‘are you alive’ text every few days. We generally talked on Sunday too.

Anonymous wrote:Do you contact her? I would let her know you want a weekly text or call if you are paying for college. What was your relationship like prior to all this?

Relationships shouldn't be dictated as payer or recipient but by love and care.

I personally get overwhelmed when my mom, kids, husband or siblings call too often.

Do you contact her? I would let her know you want a weekly text or call if you are paying for college. What was your relationship like prior to all this?

Anonymous wrote:DD does not communicate unless she needs or wants something. This bothered me greatly, I felt it was disrespectful. There was a recent Carolyn Hax with a similar situation and she said let it go, the DD needs her space.

I wonder if she is right. I know DD is ok bc she attends school with a HS friend whom without asking chats about my DD and things they do.

My parents would have been furious had I done this, but then again, I don’t want to be my parents.

I’m trying not to take it personally.

What do others think?

Its fine. They often have too much going on and too little time or privacy to call. Its not reflective of your relationship. Don't take it personally. Do send texts once in a while to let her know you are thinking of her or share something of common interest. It would change with time.

We set up a weekly Sunday night phone call with ds.

Anonymous wrote:We had an agreement we’d talk every Wednesday and Sunday nights.

We have an agreement to talk every weekend. We sometimes text in between (or talk if something comes up). I think having a scheduled time helps.

We had an agreement we’d talk every Wednesday and Sunday nights.

Do you want more of a connected relationship with her? Were you two close before she went to college? You should chat about it with her. I do think these years determine the kind of relationship you will have once she is flown. I talk or text with my daughter a lot, like 5 days a week. Sometimes it is a quick update between classes sometimes it’s a long chat. I like that she wants to share updates about classes friends bf with me. It definitely takes effort and outreach on your part OP you can’t just wait for her to text or call.

You should be proud that you raised an independent young adult, not sniveling around about how wronged you are and taking it disrespectfully.

I have a 12 yo who is like that already lol (at least when he is away)
I would let it go
Some kids need a special setting and the mood to be right to start talking about anything personal
I think it shows she isn’t lonely, too
If you miss her, you can probably write to her and then it’s up to her how much response she wants to give

Well is she a freshman? She’s coming home soon I assume for the summer? How is your relationship normally? My DD and I are very close but freshman year she was very busy and did not call very much but texted in some way every day. Now as a sophomore, she calls me often as she walks to class from her apartment. Just in general she is more settled in and has more alone time.

Assuming you are relatively close, I would talk to her this summer and just make sure all is well. They don’t think about us as much as we think about them. They have so much new coming at them, connecting with their family is not always top of mind.

PS realized what I wrote wasn’t clear. The friend talks to her mom, who tells me that things seem fine, no red flags

DD does not communicate unless she needs or wants something. This bothered me greatly, I felt it was disrespectful. There was a recent Carolyn Hax with a similar situation and she said let it go, the DD needs her space.

I wonder if she is right. I know DD is ok bc she attends school with a HS friend whom without asking chats about my DD and things they do.

My parents would have been furious had I done this, but then again, I don’t want to be my parents.

I’m trying not to take it personally.

What do others think?