Anonymous wrote:I think the best thing you can do is get to know her and find out about her family. She is starting a new family with your son, not becoming an appendage to your family (I am not assuming this is your attitude, but it is common).

x100000

This is so important, such a significant point. Been married a few decades, and my MIL and SILs know nothing about me or my family, and we have a rich immigrant background (first generation). Obviously, it is more a statement about them than me.

A few things they taught me, inadvertently: Be warm, open, accepting and not judgmental - if the new member of the family is different, it is NOT a personal affront on you, learn to love their differences, not take the differences personally. Be fun, funny, and open to new perspectives and remember what we teach our kids: how boring would it be if everyone were alike. Embrace their perspectives and their familial background, as most people do not grow up similarly - and that is a GOOD thing! Don't be a narcissist.

Treats me like her own daughter 99% of the time. Yes, her blood daughter has the tiniest bit more favoritism, but mostly I am treated equal to her.

After the wedding, my MIL paid off my college student loan, 50K, and bought me a brand new Toyota RAV4. She treats me like I am her own daughter. I go out to lunch every Saturday afternoon with my MIL and SIL and we call ourselves the triplets.

I am the MIL. Once engaged, I picked up a ring holder, a bride’s magazine and something else that I can’t remember. Then, I hosted an engagement party/dinner with her parents + new spouses and my DH and I.

I think the best thing you can do is get to know her and find out about her family. She is starting a new family with your son, not becoming an appendage to your family (I am not assuming this is your attitude, but it is common).

Pay attention to who she actually is. If she doesn’t like the spotlight or a lot of focused attention, she might not want a big gesture. Think about her as an individual person, not some abstract “what my DIL should be.” Is she an introvert or an extrovert? Does she like to talk about herself, or is she a bit guarded? Let that inform how you approach this. A nice heartfelt note is a very kind gesture that anyone would like. Do not say anything about being her mom now or something.

Key here is to know your DIL. As you can see from the responses, some people would love a great big “welcome to the family” and others wouldn’t.

Immediately after the ceremony, she hugged me and said "Welcome to the family!" And she clearly meant it.

Back story: I'm gay, and DW's family is Catholic. When we announced we were going to have a ceremony in four months (this was long before it was legal), future-MIL said "I don't think I can come that day." And she left the room.

So she evolved pretty far pretty fast. It meant a lot. I loved her like a mother.

I went MIL dress shopping with my MIL and then we went out to lunch - it was nice!

Honestly, she's just consistently nice. Nothing special.

No. Less drama the better. Smile. Be nice (as I'm sure you are), don't give her any, any reason to think you gossip about family, or are intense. Celebrating her joining the family is being intense.

I think the fact that my MIL was warm and kind to me was enough. Some kind of official gift or ceremony would have made it seem like she wanted to emphasize that she consciously decided whether or not to accept me into the family.

She took care of me in the hospital for days when I got sick right after our wedding.

My MIL gave me a crystal bowl with a spike to hold my ring when I got engaged. I use it every day - married 12 years.

My son is getting married in October. I have a good relationship with his fiancee and would like to do something to "officially" welcome her into the family. Any ideas? Thanks!