I grew up with 8 kids in my family, so I stopped at one. DD is very successful. She never asked us for one dime after she graduated from college. My husband was adopted as a baby. I just think he must have come from very superior genes because I did not.

Our dd is smart, good-looking, funny, kind, athletic, good person + fun to be around. We consider ourselves to be very lucky. Kid is first/ only Ivy grad ever in my entire family of 63 cousins.

Anonymous wrote:If your adult children are successful, what did you do right. If they aren't, what did you do wrong? Obviously, you aren't the only factor in their successes or failures but up to the extent that it mattered.

DH and I discuss this a lot. My DH and both of his siblings are professionally and socially successful, married, with nice families. My in-laws had high level expectations for their kids and provided them financial and logistical support but were not helicopter or tiger parents AT ALL. Even now, they care about us but are not super involved with us or our kids and pretty much just do their own thing. There is no level of co dependency and there never was. When they stroked their last college tuition check, they were done. And that's fine, obviously.

Anonymous wrote:Great patience with both of them, had to work constantly to not pass on my mother's Irish temper, lol. Accountability for their actions, personal responsibility when it came to school work (they NEVER go us to go to a teacher and go to bat for them, you had a problem with a teacher go talk to the teacher), respect in our home to every family member, our home was everyone's safe place, no teasing, no yelling and no name calling. Punishment was swift when necessary and parents never overruled one another. Also, we did not negotiate with our children, they could be part of the conversation, but important things were never their decision.

For "important things were never their decision" What did that look like?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you define success?

Kind, empathetic, socially involved, well adjusted, ability to communicate, college educated, employed with work-life balance, financially stable with no/low debt, in healthy relationship, civic sense, positive outlook. Just basics which would overlap in most lists.

good lord. why not add "walk on water" to that list

I would add well groomed, slim, physically fit, and very clean... Just kidding...these were the only things I saw missing and we are trying to create the perfect person here, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you define success?

Kind, empathetic, socially involved, well adjusted, ability to communicate, college educated, employed with work-life balance, financially stable with no/low debt, in healthy relationship, civic sense, positive outlook. Just basics which would overlap in most lists.

good lord. why not add "walk on water" to that list

wow you must have very low standards

My two young adult kids (both earlyish 20s) have graduated college and fit most of those boxes. The one thing that I really focused on in the hyper-competitive DMV climate was encouraging them to spend unstructured time with friends and lots of outdoor time including fitness (like running/yoga/zumba/tennis/pick up soccer etc.) for fun -this was consistent from a young age through HS. I know that may sound pretty basic, but their personal relationships and emotional intelligence have helped them to navigate life's ups and downs without a lot of anxiety and fear. They played co-ed rec sports all through college and made a ton of friends that way. They both have warm personalities and great people skills and were outgoing so they got to know their professors and were asked to take on leadership roles at university. They were always involved in multiple things and enjoyed being busy doing things they enjoyed. I did not push them to do things that would make them successful as much as I encouraged experiences and relationships that would make them happy. I also encouraged them to work p/t jobs and both did starting in late middle school - dog/cat sitting, shoveling snow and both worked in food service in the summer. As a result they really thrived in college - both were research assistants and TAs, earned excellent grades, had lots of friends and fun social experiences in addition to the academics. So far are both are happy, well adjusted adults living their best lives independently. Work ethic and kind, supportive close friends are key in my opinion. Phew.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you define success?

Kind, empathetic, socially involved, well adjusted, ability to communicate, college educated, employed with work-life balance, financially stable with no/low debt, in healthy relationship, civic sense, positive outlook. Just basics which would overlap in most lists.

Here's what we did right: we nurtured their interests. We also pushed them to find some. We fostered and encouraged reading. We fostered and encouraged family time. Despite a divorce we kept our adult drama from the kids as much as possible, and parented with a united front. Their education was paid for, but we told them they had to maintain a B average for that to continue. We pushed and then encouraged them to be self-sufficient, both in little ways and big ways. We invested money more in experiences than material objects.

Lucky genes account for most of it…. Disposition Intelligence and mental health are precursors to everything you named OP. Born with the right package, most self aware and present parents can steer the rest of the way to a successful AC.

Great patience with both of them, had to work constantly to not pass on my mother's Irish temper, lol. Accountability for their actions, personal responsibility when it came to school work (they NEVER go us to go to a teacher and go to bat for them, you had a problem with a teacher go talk to the teacher), respect in our home to every family member, our home was everyone's safe place, no teasing, no yelling and no name calling. Punishment was swift when necessary and parents never overruled one another. Also, we did not negotiate with our children, they could be part of the conversation, but important things were never their decision.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you define success?

Kind, empathetic, socially involved, well adjusted, ability to communicate, college educated, employed with work-life balance, financially stable with no/low debt, in healthy relationship, civic sense, positive outlook. Just basics which would overlap in most lists.

good lord. why not add "walk on water" to that list

With so many efficient modes of transportation, walking on water isn't as useful as it used to be.

Doesn't have to tick all boxes, just saying that success doesn't only means securing money, power and fame.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you define success?

Kind, empathetic, socially involved, well adjusted, ability to communicate, college educated, employed with work-life balance, financially stable with no/low debt, in healthy relationship, civic sense, positive outlook. Just basics which would overlap in most lists.

good lord. why not add "walk on water" to that list

Anonymous wrote:How do you define success?

Kind, empathetic, socially involved, well adjusted, ability to communicate, college educated, employed with work-life balance, financially stable with no/low debt, in healthy relationship, civic sense, positive outlook. Just basics which would overlap in most lists.

How do you define success?

If your adult children are successful, what did you do right. If they aren't, what did you do wrong? Obviously, you aren't the only factor in their successes or failures but up to the extent that it mattered.