Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 09:05     Subject: Re:What is the taboo in 2023 about an unmarried, couple in a committed relationship having kids
Anonymous wrote:Go for it if you want. The reason this is extraordinary uncommon among women who are college-educated isn't that it's stigmatized, it's that you're likely to be stuck in the same position most women are - doing most of the domestic labor, harming your earning potential - but with more likelihood the guy will leave and fewer protections if he does. It's just not a great deal for the woman unless she's not going to need his economic support, which isn't most couples. In a different cultural and legal context, obviously this plays out differently.


Yes- it's this. I also think that by year 10, the couples (that made it past the first year of babyhood), are splitting up. And it's not as good of a deal for the kids either. There's no child support decree, agreement on who is paying their college tuition and then there's new partners in their parents' lives.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 09:04     Subject: What is the taboo in 2023 about an unmarried, couple in a committed relationship having kids
I suggested to my wife we not get married due to the tax penalty (we ended up paying $20k more per year!) and she was hearing none of that. She was like well then we're paying it. Luckily, god bless President Trump, he eliminated that penalty for pretty much everyone - probably the single biggest pro-family political action ever taken
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 09:03     Subject: Re:What is the taboo in 2023 about an unmarried, couple in a committed relationship having kids



Anonymous wrote:
Go for it if you want. The reason this is extraordinary uncommon among women who are college-educated isn't that it's stigmatized, it's that you're likely to be stuck in the same position most women are - doing most of the domestic labor, harming your earning potential - but with more likelihood the guy will leave and fewer protections if he does. It's just not a great deal for the woman unless she's not going to need his economic support, which isn't most couples. In a different cultural and legal context, obviously this plays out differently.


Right. No one is judging this from a moral perspective. We just think you’re dumb for making bad choices and not looking out for yourself. It’s so sad when women buy the “it’s just a piece of paper! We don’t need it” line from men who clearly don’t value them all that much.


Yep. Retirement accounts, social security benefits---it is a lot more difficult to financially "disentangle" if you are married and ---as the PP above noted about the difference between the paltry US social safety net and that of Europe---it is much more precarious to be left as a single unmarried mom in the US.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 09:01     Subject: What is the taboo in 2023 about an unmarried, couple in a committed relationship having kids
It's uncommon in the US because our tax laws are designed to encourage people to get married and as others have pointed out, if the relationship ends, most states provide more protections for a ex-spouse than for an ex-non-spouse. (See also: why gay marriage was such a big deal.)
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 08:59     Subject: What is the taboo in 2023 about an unmarried, couple in a committed relationship having kids
I have friends in this situation. I am not sure why they never "made it legal". But they've been together 18 years, have 2 teenagers and for all intents and purposes are married in my eyes. I used to wonder why but I don't anymore. It works for them.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 08:57     Subject: Re:What is the taboo in 2023 about an unmarried, couple in a committed relationship having kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Go for it if you want. The reason this is extraordinary uncommon among women who are college-educated isn't that it's stigmatized, it's that you're likely to be stuck in the same position most women are - doing most of the domestic labor, harming your earning potential - but with more likelihood the guy will leave and fewer protections if he does. It's just not a great deal for the woman unless she's not going to need his economic support, which isn't most couples. In a different cultural and legal context, obviously this plays out differently.


Right. No one is judging this from a moral perspective. We just think you’re dumb for making bad choices and not looking out for yourself. It’s so sad when women buy the “it’s just a piece of paper! We don’t need it” line from men who clearly don’t value them all that much.


What's the value for women, exactly?


A divorce settlement if the relationship ends. For example: if you took a backseat in your career to tend to house and kids, you should be splitting retirement accounts during a divorce.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 08:56     Subject: What is the taboo in 2023 about an unmarried, couple in a committed relationship having kids
The risk is that the man is not actually as committed as the woman would like to believe. Other countries have better social benefits but I'm this country unless you're wealthy it's a big risk. I don't think it's morally wrong, but it's not the same as marriage and I wouldn't want that situation.

Don't be his wife and make all the investments and sacrifices a wife makes if he's not going to be your husband in return.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 08:56     Subject: What is the taboo in 2023 about an unmarried, couple in a committed relationship having kids
Anonymous wrote:Think a couple that lives together & probably has for an awhile. This arrangement is very common in several European countries. So why the taboo?


Because the social safety net is better in Europe, unmarried women with kids often get left in much worse financial condition long term.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 08:55     Subject: Re:What is the taboo in 2023 about an unmarried, couple in a committed relationship having kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Go for it if you want. The reason this is extraordinary uncommon among women who are college-educated isn't that it's stigmatized, it's that you're likely to be stuck in the same position most women are - doing most of the domestic labor, harming your earning potential - but with more likelihood the guy will leave and fewer protections if he does. It's just not a great deal for the woman unless she's not going to need his economic support, which isn't most couples. In a different cultural and legal context, obviously this plays out differently.


Right. No one is judging this from a moral perspective. We just think you’re dumb for making bad choices and not looking out for yourself. It’s so sad when women buy the “it’s just a piece of paper! We don’t need it” line from men who clearly don’t value them all that much.


What's the value for women, exactly?
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 08:54     Subject: Re:What is the taboo in 2023 about an unmarried, couple in a committed relationship having kids
Anonymous wrote:Go for it if you want. The reason this is extraordinary uncommon among women who are college-educated isn't that it's stigmatized, it's that you're likely to be stuck in the same position most women are - doing most of the domestic labor, harming your earning potential - but with more likelihood the guy will leave and fewer protections if he does. It's just not a great deal for the woman unless she's not going to need his economic support, which isn't most couples. In a different cultural and legal context, obviously this plays out differently.


Right. No one is judging this from a moral perspective. We just think you’re dumb for making bad choices and not looking out for yourself. It’s so sad when women buy the “it’s just a piece of paper! We don’t need it” line from men who clearly don’t value them all that much.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 08:49     Subject: Re:What is the taboo in 2023 about an unmarried, couple in a committed relationship having kids
Go for it if you want. The reason this is extraordinary uncommon among women who are college-educated isn't that it's stigmatized, it's that you're likely to be stuck in the same position most women are - doing most of the domestic labor, harming your earning potential - but with more likelihood the guy will leave and fewer protections if he does. It's just not a great deal for the woman unless she's not going to need his economic support, which isn't most couples. In a different cultural and legal context, obviously this plays out differently.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 08:40     Subject: What is the taboo in 2023 about an unmarried, couple in a committed relationship having kids
Do you really care about the people who will judge you for this?

Country Club type people. Clarence Thomas.

Who cares.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 08:39     Subject: Re:What is the taboo in 2023 about an unmarried, couple in a committed relationship having kids
I was with my ex for 23 years and we have two kids. We never married. Maybe people gossiped behind my back, if so I was unaware.

Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 08:38     Subject: What is the taboo in 2023 about an unmarried, couple in a committed relationship having kids
Is there one? Who even cares any more.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 08:37     Subject: What is the taboo in 2023 about an unmarried, couple in a committed relationship having kids
Think a couple that lives together & probably has for an awhile. This arrangement is very common in several European countries. So why the taboo?