Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to set expectations around meals. There’s no opt-out of family meals. She can sit there and be pissy. But she has to come to the table and be with others. It’s not always easy to enforce, but it has to be done.

-parent of a 17 year old dd

oh yes, force her to eat with you. that will improve the relationship astronomically

Oh, yes. Hold zero expectations for her as a family member. Please let her sink into her isolation and depression more. Please give her more opportunities to check out and doom scroll thru Tiktok. Yeah, that’s the ticket! 👍

I'd make sure she can trust sharing things with you. Don't gossip about her with others. Keep what she tells you in confidence. And don't use things she tells you to make a point or teach a lesson. Just listen and be supportive.

It may take years, but she'll gradually share more if she can trust you. If you violate that trust, it will take years to rebuild and take you back many steps.

Breaking Bad. Many parents will say it’s inappropriate and a terrible show but I’m watching it with my teen. It’s actually a really good show despite the murder, sex and drugs. It’s the one thing we enjoy doing together and this really tough age. My kid has seen worse by this point. We fast forward the sex scenes, which are the only ones that are too uncomfortable for us to watch together.

I think be honest with her tell her how much you love her and how hard it will be for you when she leaves the nest before too long. Tell her- I want to cook with you, you pick the dish. Tell her- I want to binge TV with you, you pick the show. Just insist on the activity and the regularity but don't have expectations about engagement or behavior. Make it a habit and hopefully she will come around at some point. I know it's hard. I wish you the best of luck.

Anonymous wrote:You need to set expectations around meals. There’s no opt-out of family meals. She can sit there and be pissy. But she has to come to the table and be with others. It’s not always easy to enforce, but it has to be done.

-parent of a 17 year old dd

This is a recipe for disaster. Talk about creating resentment and anger

Anonymous wrote:You need to set expectations around meals. There’s no opt-out of family meals. She can sit there and be pissy. But she has to come to the table and be with others. It’s not always easy to enforce, but it has to be done.

-parent of a 17 year old dd

oh yes, force her to eat with you. that will improve the relationship astronomically

Tell her you’d like to pick 1 thing you can do together. I went through this with my boys.

One I play gold with him, mostly just go to driving range, talk golf, watching masters.

One I joined a football pool with him and we talk once a week about our picks.

Just be human. I love you and I want to do 1 thing together for 1 hour a week.

It’s a tough age OP be kind to yourself. Try to connect on what SHE likes, what her interests are, and think about small moments of connection. For my kid at that age it was Dystopian novels, I’d ask about them… or google some new authors or top ten lists and mention them… Netflix movies, even if she sat for half of it that was good for me, Stay dialed into her music tastes and artists, and if I read something about them, where they were playing etc I’d bring it up, she liked dark nail Polish, I’d mention the nail salon had new shades of purple and we’d go get nails done. basically conversation starters and activities that mattered to her. Also, for my high anxiety mildly depressed kid, I’d try to make her laugh. That would get her to stay in the kitchen just a little bit longer. You need to make an adjustment. And if you are depressed, your heaviness is not something she is going to want to engage with if she is struggling herself. So work on your own mental health. I believe You don’t lose your kid in years. The relationship is lost or maintained in moments.

I agree that the eating dinner together thing is a family expectation. Tell her that you and her dad are setting an expectation that you eat together. I’m assuming there is no eating disorder here. Have the TV off. Talk at dinner about family memories or stories, but none that might embarrass her. You can tell her that you know she is growing up and spreading her wings, and you need this time before she is gone with her.

Compliment her when you can, and let her hear you compliment her to others, in as natural a way as you can. If you can eat outside together for dinner, try that. Just take your plates outside.

I’m sorry this is hard for you, but you’re still her mom, and be as accepting and open as you can, and hang in there.

She's not supposed to want to hang out with Mom at this age.

It's a rough age. She may become closer with you in her early 20s. I did with my mom.

You need to set expectations around meals. There’s no opt-out of family meals. She can sit there and be pissy. But she has to come to the table and be with others. It’s not always easy to enforce, but it has to be done.

-parent of a 17 year old dd

I think that this is a normal phase. I used to know everything about my 17-year-old son's life and now he shares virtually nothing. He seems indifferent toward the family--unless there is something we can do for him! It is annoying but it seems so textbook. I don't take it personally and just try to be warm and inviting, and make "participation" expectations clear. And I do put my foot down at rudeness. Normal phase or not, you don't get to be rude.

I would insist on eating dinner together a couple nights a week. Tell her you would love to spend time with her and miss her. Say she can chose whatever you want to do as an activity and then do it.

Give her compliments. Say all the ways she’s great. Don’t worry about chores. Assume the best. Act light and friendly even if you don’t feel it at the moment.

We don't talk much except for chores, homework, my asking stupid questions and her shrugging them off.
I used to bike with my mother--DD, age 17, doesn't like biking and we don't live near a safe route to bike.
We both like to cook but she rebuffs my invitations to choose a dish or cook together or even to eat with me and my husband. We don't go to movies much (too expensive and we have different tastes). I suggested Dungeons and Dragons and she said no. She gets Bs in school, with zero effort as far as I can tell.
Yes, we're all depressed--she's on anti-depressants--but I feel as if I'm losing her forever.
There's a saying that we lose our girls around age 12 or 13, and get them back at age 20. But i worry that i won't get mine back.
All kind suggestions are welcome.