It sounds like anxiety and depression. She likely thinks there is one thing that will make her happy, and then when it happens, it is not as she imagined.

It would actually be good for you to point out what she is doing, as well as point out the positives.

I was like this years ago. I always thought, if I changed this one thing, I'd be happy. If I bought this one thing, I'd be happy. If I did this one thing, then I'd be happy. Of course I never was happy, and it snowballed into me making some really bad choices in life that came with consequences. I learned the hard way that my own happiness comes from myself. In therapy I learned gratitude, healthy coping skills, and did a lot of self-reflection.

Not sure your mom would be open to therapy and all it could entail, but I agree that pointing out the pattern might be helpful and get her thinking. Unfortunately I did not see my pattern until I hit rock bottom and I wouldn't want that for others. Good luck.

My mom is like this. She definitely has anxiety and depression, but doesn’t want to admit that anything is “wrong” with her, so she needs something external to be wrong so that she can be a victim. Basically she needs a reason she can point to to explain why she is deeply depressed and also justify needing/expecting everyone to cater to her depression and her anxiety. It’s a way to avoid responsibility for herself and her emotions and needs.

She is also terrible across-the-board at being aware of her needs and wants. She basically goes through life pretending to be a completely different person—selfless, laid-back and open. Then constantly is triggered by everything bc what she actually wants is the opposite of what she claims, but she can never figure that out until the panic starts to set in.

A few examples:
She visited at Thanksgiving, we had several young kids in the mix and nobody wanted to cook so we ordered everything for the big meal. We asked everybody what they wanted us to include in the order for them, she was given plenty of room to weigh in, we had everything she asked for, she said she was totally fine with everybody having different stuff. Then when the food arrived and she saw we had ordered a kale salad she had a meltdown because she was afraid we would expect her to eat kale and she didn’t want to. She talked about it the entire day, including making retching sounds.

One Christmas, she visited my nephew (the first grandkid). She is profoundly jealous of his local grandparents and has complained at length about how there are so many photos of them together and she hardly has any photos with the baby, etc. So we went to take professional Santa pics with her and when we got there she had a meltdown about how unfair to force her to be in a photo because she never looks good in photos etc.

Essentially she doesn’t like who she is so she pretends to be someone else but then she can’t execute.

Sounds like childhood trauma. How many of the ACEs does she have?

Can’t you call her out? “Mom, you wanted to be in this group. What’s with the turnaround?”

Possibly related to childhood.

Is she in anxiety meds?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's scared of disappointment. If she grew up with someone/a parent who was always promising something and then never following through? That would be my guess.

Sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy then. How can you not be disappointed by self-imposed disappointments?

Right? It's a vicious circle. There are people who sabotage holidays and events that are supposed to be fun and joyful - just to avoid the disappointment in case something goes wrong or doesn't live up to expectations. It's like they'd rather not do it at all than be disappointed so they're going to lay waste to the whole thing.

Sounds like anxiety to me. Try to have empathy, it sounds like a miserable way to live, very sad.

You could point out the pattern to her. My friend has a history of doing something similar but less extreme, and she has been diagnosed with depression. Your mother clearly has a mental health issues, perhaps anxiety and depression. I'm sorry it's ruining her life, but I don't think you should get dragged down with her. I hope you can tune her out.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's scared of disappointment. If she grew up with someone/a parent who was always promising something and then never following through? That would be my guess.

Sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy then. How can you not be disappointed by self-imposed disappointments?

It sounds like she's scared of disappointment. If she grew up with someone/a parent who was always promising something and then never following through? That would be my guess.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's unsettled. I don't think she's doing to purposely drive you crazy. She's unhappy, searching for things that will make her happy, and getting frustrated that the things she tries aren't working.

It’s so sad to watch. I don’t understand how she will find happiness when she’s so resistant. She’s constantly unhappy. It’s like she won’t allow herself happiness.

It sounds like she's unsettled. I don't think she's doing to purposely drive you crazy. She's unhappy, searching for things that will make her happy, and getting frustrated that the things she tries aren't working.

It’s always something that she builds up and/or anticipates and then complains about in the moment. The latest example, she’s been waiting to be selected in a lottery to join something since 2019. JUST THIS PAST SATURDAY she mentioned how much she wished she’d be selected for the lottery, how happy it would make her this summer. This morning I heard through the grape vine that she had finally been selected! I called her not too long ago to celebrate with her over the phone and DID NOT get the reaction I expected: she was completely apathetic and emotionless, and proceeded to complain about the whole thing!

Last summer, it was a highly anticipated vacation she was really looking forward to. She went and then complained about how much she hated being on vacation and then came home early. Then complained once she got home that she wished she was on vacation!

It’s literally everything. She once had me spend time helping her find a reputable upholsterer, look at fabrics with her, and even help her get pricing—tons of time. When the time came to deliver the chairs she refused and complained about how she didn’t want to do it anymore, it was too much work and she didn’t want to be without her chairs for a week. To this day she still complains about how she wants her chairs reupholstered!

I don’t know if any of these things relate to the other, but it’s just examples of the way she hypes up something and then swiftly comes to a halt, flips it around, and then complains about it as though it was something forced upon her. I can’t figure out what is going on, and today threw me for a loop. What is going on? Why does she do this with seemingly everything in her life?