Don't get stuck in Boston if you're going to divorce. You'll have a Mass court deciding your custody arrangement and you might not be able to move then.

He's willing to move for you & you are still planning on (possibly) effing him over? Dick move. Get a counselor now, not a lawyer or a real estate agent. If you move, make sure he knows where your cards lay.

I would move for the decent chance it would take pressure off all of you and save your marriage. Workaholics who travel alot but where the spouse has family support nearby and is more financially comfortable will work better than being an isolated ‘workaholic widow’ in a high COL city.

When he sees the child support calculation, he will want at least 50/50 custody. And the courts won’t care that he travels for work; you’ll just get right of first refusal.

If your family can afford the rent and a housecleaner and maybe a lawyer, move out (locally) now.
Doing this and hiring a lawyer together now is cheaper than hiring adversarial lawyers later.

If problems are from his job, your relationship will be better, whether you get back together or split.

Move then divorce him.

I would initiate the move not with the intention of divorce but with the intention of reducing as many external stressors as possible and seeing if your spouse can get some mental health support. Although greater family support, more money, and arguably better weather cannot fix a broken marriage, it also sounds like the issue is depressin/stress manifested as anger. I would also explore COL if spouse is not working--perhpas he needs a leave of absence or some other major shift. If things continue to be unworkable, at least you will be in a place that is less expensive and with some extended family. Doesn't sound like it will be substantially worse for spouse either.

Are the state laws different with regard to the divorce process and custody? Does it matter re residency requirements? Maybe ask that beforehand.

Ask a lawyer.

Don’t just issue threats, suggest he get help. Anger is often a sign of anxiety, which can be helped with meds. Anger issues can also be addressed in therapy.

Move this summer.

Yup move to where you want to be ASAP. I commend you for your decisiveness. It doesn’t do anyone any good to be stuck in a bad marriage.

Stop the drama and threats and if you want a divorce, divorce him. Get a job, and move. You can move now as there is no divorce/order and just screw him over and never let him see the kids again. Problem solved.

Get him to agree for you guys to move there as soon as you can. That doesn't mean you have to divorce him when you get there, who knows maybe he will have a change of heart and work on himself. Probably not, but at least you'd have the support of family you need for you and your kids.

DH is an angry workaholic (wasn’t always angry). He lashes out at the kids and me. He’s working on it and I’ve told him it has to chance very clearly but I don’t think he believes I’d actually divorce him. If it hasn’t changed substantially in the next year, I’ll need to initiate a divorce for all of our well being.

We currently live in boston for his job. We have no family here or strong connections, though we are slowly building a life here post covid. We have talked about moving to charlotte both to be near my family, less $$, and better weather. He would need to travel a bit more for work there and has no connections there so he’s willing to do it but it’d be for my sake.

If divorce is currently feeling possible, should I push the move sooner rather than later so that we are there when the divorce starts? On one hand it’s a dick move to force him to be stuck in a city he wouldn’t live in otherwise, on the other hand I’d currently be stuck in a very expensive part of an expensive city with no family support for no real reason other than he wouldn’t be willing to move post divorce (he won’t have much custody most likely mainly bc he wouldn’t want it, so his traveling a night or two more a week would not impact children)

Wwyd?