Anonymous wrote:It was only about my appearance. That was never important.

Agree

A teacher in ES called me "very pragmatic." Of course I had to look it up in the dictionary when I got home. I still remember that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same as PP compliments based on looks, I grew up looking like Aishwarya Rai in a surrounding of people with darker features. It did however make me self-conscious and I always to this day get unsure of myself.

PP you reference. How old are you now? Once you're into your late 40s / early 50s you will be pretty invisible so you can stop feeling self conscious. It takes that long but its worth it.

Pp here. In my early 40s. Thanks Pp for the reply on this.

Ya know my parents didn’t really compliment me much but my parents also never put me down. My mom never raised an eyebrow at all my awful outfits, she never said anything negative about my weight or looks. Sometimes the absence of any comments on appearance is just as powerful. I was always a very confident kid and never searched for compliments or affirmation from people and I found that to be very freeing, even subconsciously.

In my family, all the teachers would tell us they were happy to have a lastname in their class as they know we would be smart, helpful and fun. It was expected that we would perform well. For some, that might feel like pressure- but I was the littlest and it made me proud to live up to my family name.

I had a couple teachers who cornered my mum and told her I was stubborn//strong willed and she told them both 'good. That way, she won't get pushed around in life' and both teachers walked away, aghast. She told me about it and was proud, so it made me proud, though honestly I don't know what they could have thought I was stubborn about? Another time another teacher said it (all in grade school) and my mother said 'what do you want me to do- beat it out of her?' and shook her head and walked away (guess you can't say that today- as it's true for some parents).

I don't know that you remember every individual good/bad thing said, but the cumulative total makes you who you are/you start to believe the narrative.

Anonymous wrote:Same as PP compliments based on looks, I grew up looking like Aishwarya Rai in a surrounding of people with darker features. It did however make me self-conscious and I always to this day get unsure of myself.

PP you reference. How old are you now? Once you're into your late 40s / early 50s you will be pretty invisible so you can stop feeling self conscious. It takes that long but its worth it.

Anonymous wrote:I did not receive compliments as a child, that I remember. I remember getting a handful of compliments as a teenager and they were very important to me because I received so few kind words from others.

If a kindergarten teacher had told me or may parents I had a great sense of humor, or really anything that kind and flattering, I would hold onto that for the rest of my life.

I compliment my kid all the time now. Genuine compliments, not BS. She is a great person and I want her to know.

Hugs.

Same as PP compliments based on looks, I grew up looking like Aishwarya Rai in a surrounding of people with darker features. It did however make me self-conscious and I always to this day get unsure of myself.

I wasn’t exactly a child, but a teacher in high school, who I never had for any subject, told me kind of out of the blue that she was raising two little girls and she hoped that they turned out just like me.

I remember it because I thought it was an odd thing to hear at the time. I wasn’t the valedictorian, class president, etc. I was a nerdy jock who didn’t do my work and gave teachers a hard time.

I was the teachers' pet, and praise was directed at my propensity to listen attentively, follow rules, hand in quality work, etc. Which was said with genuine admiration, but did make me very boxed into that "nice girl doesn't make waves" identity for many years. I struggled with advocating for myself and with confronting people who needed to be confronted.

My son has the same soft, rule-following personality and I've tried to teach him how to self-advocate. It goes against the grain, especially when his teachers praise him for being such a polite and unassuming young man!

You raise an excellent point, OP. Compliments can sometimes make people avoid exploring other aspects of their personality, just because they believe they must identify with what others think about them. It's a double-edge sword.

I did not receive compliments as a child, that I remember. I remember getting a handful of compliments as a teenager and they were very important to me because I received so few kind words from others.

If a kindergarten teacher had told me or may parents I had a great sense of humor, or really anything that kind and flattering, I would hold onto that for the rest of my life.

I compliment my kid all the time now. Genuine compliments, not BS. She is a great person and I want her to know.

Oh absolutely. I had a really rough home life and I honestly think that the good things teachers said about me are the reason I was able to avoid going down really dark paths like my siblings.

Basically my teachers loved me, so it’s hard to pick out a best one. I was told that I was such a delight to have in class, that i was the type of kid who made them love teaching, that I was brilliant and could go far in life, etc.

I lived in a very small town and everybody knew my home life was bad, so a lot of them sort of took me on as a mentor. It didn’t take them a lot of time but they would do things like invite me to eat lunch with them and chat, and my kindergarten teacher even had me over to bake cookies.

I read that having just one adult who cares about you and takes an interest in you is a protective factor against trauma, and I had lots thanks to my teachers .

I remember being told by an elementary art school teacher I couldn't draw a straight line with a ruler.

So, not a compliment by any stretch of the imagination. But I remember this comment over 30 years later, so I mention it as proof that kids remember what we tell them.

It was only about my appearance. That was never important.

I sometimes wonder if the things that are said to my children now will be remembered and shape the people they become. I remember my kindergarten teacher telling my parents that I had the best sense of humor she had ever seen in a kindergartner. Maybe it was a throw away comment to that teacher, but it really validated me.

What nice things do you remember being said to you/ about you from childhood? Who said them? Why do you think you remember?