I think my mother was depressed/anxious throughout most of my childhood. Whatever it was, like another rooster above I spent as much time as I could at my bff’s out of the house. In fact, entire weekends for many years in elementary and middle school. As a parent to similar aged kids, I cannot imagine sending my kids off to another family’s house for entire weekends so often. My parents must have been relieved to have me out of the house. I can’t say my bff’s family was particularly warm towards me, more like they went about their business and tolerated my presence, as they were a very laissez fairs family
Where the mom in that family almost certainly had an addiction(s) and died young and the dad was off having affairs. Crazy to me that my parents knew she had addictions and still were ok letting her drive me around to activities on weekends, when they told me that other parents gossiped that they wouldn’t let her drive their kids. It was the 80s, my parents had something going on (a therapist suggested drug use, but I don’t think it was that).

It's really important to be clear about what it is and about the fact that it is not the child's fault or problem to manage.

I had a mother who suffered from clinical depression my entire childhood. She attempted suicide at least twice that I am now aware of (there would just be gaps when she was not there, I guess recovering?). My entire childhood was centered around her mood, was she angry, sad, in bed? Did we thank her for the dinner profusely enough? We tried in our way to make her happy or less sad by cleaning the house, making her tea and bringing it to bed, being unobtrusive. My father just chose to take work assignments overseas as often as possible. I now understand the basic emotional building blocks were not provided for us as children. I have sympathy for her but I am a profoundly scarred person because of her depression.

Anonymous wrote:My mother has depression throughout my childhood. She was a SAHM. She did the bare minimum required to parent (enrolled us in school, had food in the fridge, etc). She spent probably 8-10 hours each day mindlessly playing Solitaire on the computer. She would just sit there and stare at the computer. She also slept a lot.

As a kid, I didn’t mind it. I made my own meals, did my own laundry and didn’t rely on her for much. I was very embarrassed by her appearance (never brushed her hair/teeth, would wear the same thing multiple days in a row). I spent most of my time at friend’s houses. Like, whole weekends. I’d even go on vacation with my bff’s family.

As an adult, I see how much I missed out on (never had a birthday party, never baked anything, never went shopping for fun, never decorated for Xmas, etc). I make sure to celebrate everything with my kids, which has been therapeutic.

Also as an adult, I realized how I had to solve all my problems by myself (my dad was around but worked a lot) and the pattern of not relying on others continues to this day.

Like another poster, our house growing up was pretty messy / hoarderish. I was embarrassed by it. Surprise surprise, my house now is spotless and very minimalist!

My mom never did get help. She refused. My dad divorced her after the kids were grown and she now spends her days reading and watching Netflix. She’s 73.

I had a similar experience though I realized as a child just how bad it was relative to other families I interacted with. Also my mother was so awful and mean that people would point that out to us frequently even when we were young kids. I’m doing so much better as a parent despite it!

My mother has depression throughout my childhood. She was a SAHM. She did the bare minimum required to parent (enrolled us in school, had food in the fridge, etc). She spent probably 8-10 hours each day mindlessly playing Solitaire on the computer. She would just sit there and stare at the computer. She also slept a lot.

As a kid, I didn’t mind it. I made my own meals, did my own laundry and didn’t rely on her for much. I was very embarrassed by her appearance (never brushed her hair/teeth, would wear the same thing multiple days in a row). I spent most of my time at friend’s houses. Like, whole weekends. I’d even go on vacation with my bff’s family.

As an adult, I see how much I missed out on (never had a birthday party, never baked anything, never went shopping for fun, never decorated for Xmas, etc). I make sure to celebrate everything with my kids, which has been therapeutic.

Also as an adult, I realized how I had to solve all my problems by myself (my dad was around but worked a lot) and the pattern of not relying on others continues to this day.

Like another poster, our house growing up was pretty messy / hoarderish. I was embarrassed by it. Surprise surprise, my house now is spotless and very minimalist!

My mom never did get help. She refused. My dad divorced her after the kids were grown and she now spends her days reading and watching Netflix. She’s 73.

Yes. My dad. He didn’t start to get it treated until I was about 13. Before that he would rage, have lash outs, was so sensitive. It was always like walking on eggshells. After he started to get treatment and care things changed markedly over a few years. He was calmer, more self reflective, easier to talk to, even expressive of his feelings.

Honestly I don’t think it is a problem as a parent to have depression. It is just being able to depend on someone, have consistency, not be lashed out at, also to be able to have open dialogue with said parent on how they are doing.

I think what really matters is how the party is handling their depression, not whether or not they struggle with it. Same goes for addiction, anxiety etc… in of itself it doesn’t mean anything.

My dad had major depression and basically self medicated with alcohol. He never held a job in my lifetime despite a law degree (from podunk I, so hardly door opening anyway).

He slept everyday until noon, did household chores like grocery shopping and some cleaning, and then spent the evenings drinking and watching tv till midnight. Rinse and repeat. No friends. Rarely did much with us kids, but was pleasant enough. Not an angry drunk. My mom worked and had bulemia, but she was essentially our stable parent.

I ended up okay, good in school, good college, but fumbled in my career since I have low self esteem (I’m male) and I think that has really hindered my career progress — doing well on assignments and tests is one thing, etc. real world work requires a lot more autonomy and confidence. Married, kids, though my DW is breadwinner, which oddly parallels my parents dynamic. Im not unemployed; im an SME on a Fed contract just my DW is a bit of a rock star.

My sister has had a much worse outcome. She also did well in school, good college, even law school at T50 law school. But she has never held a real job — for a short time before law school she had a paralegal job but she lived at home and my parents did everything for her: cook, clean, shop. She just got up wen to work came home and then stayed in bed watching tv all waking hours. She is now living on disability in my parents home, having lost her job out of college because she could not make it out of bed half the days (and this was very forgiving govt job that tried to work with her).

I don’t quite know why it went down so bad for my sister. Genetics? Some interaction with my dad I didn’t see? She had therapy since 7th grade, so I don’t know what to suggest to help your kids, but I would try to foster resilience and confidence because having a depressed dad I think may make you feel less than.

I think my mother was depressed - she was definitely a hoarder and had anxiety around a few things, but I think also depressed. It affected me so that I never had a close relationship with her past age 9 and I am a minimalist now.
I would say I always felt animosity from her, I was never quite good enough. Even when she praised me it felt very odd. She also kept telling me how I should think twice before having kids since it is such a big responsibility.

Yes my mom did and r was pretty awful. Sge didn’t get treated until I was in my 20s. To this day I have such animosity towards people with mental illness. I can help from a distance but I run when it’s too close

My mom had a prolonged depression following my sister’s death at age 12 from a genetic medical disease. I was 9. My mom’s grief was so profound that she was unable to eat, speak or engage at all. She ended up weighing about 80 lbs. I was very scared the she would die too. I was grieving too but my dad was pretty stable. Her friends tried to help, but I hated that. I ended up growing up very fast, taking on lots of adult responsibilities for the family. My maternal grandmother and aunt lived in an apartment in the house and were a loving refuge. Could be a kid there. This was a long time ago, so no programs for grief support. In about 4 years, she recovered and we had a very close relationship after that. Long term repercussions were that I have always been very responsible. Too much so.

I didn't know that's what it was. It was hard work. I was relieved when she died and try to avoid repeating the pattern. Any other questions?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My DH suffers from depression and I wonder how it may affect our kids?

Depends how his depression manifests. Some people have short tempers and yell at everyone. Some sleep all day. Some go off by themselves walking. Some get drunk.

OP here. My DH suffers from depression and I wonder how it may affect our kids?

Why do you want to know?

How did it impact you?