Anonymous wrote:My ILs quick decline sent my husband into therapy. It helped him a lot to talk with someone and work through his anxiety. One thing he had to accept was that they are adults and can make their own decisions. Even if we think they are making the wrong choices its their lives. (My MIL is in poor mental and physical condition but they refuse to consider assisted living/nursing homes but their quality of life living at home is poor. Ultimately, we can help in small ways but this is the way they choose to live.)

9:35 PP here. Goodness YES to the bolded! I actually spent time yesterday, while trying to work, attempting to convince Mom to call Dad's doctor because he is showing signs of a UTI again (because he is incontinent due to parkinsons, he gets those). She refused...'he's ok, he'll be fine today' yeah mom that why he's seeing things! I do have POA but she is competent so she get to make bad decisions : ( Yes, they should be in assisted living! It's frustrating, and does cause me much anxiety and even chest pains.

I know you mean emotionally, but I want to get all their financial ducks in a row. My Dad was on top of things, but even he made some mistakes that have made dealing with his estate a pain in the a$&.

Make sure they have all their bank accounts have you as beneficiary or rolled into a trust. Know all the life insurance policies they have. Talk with a lawyer about estate planning. My Dad had slight more than $25,000 in a bank account and now I have to deal with probate courts. If I had known about VA law better, I could’ve transferred that little amount into another account and it would’ve rolled directly to me (I’m the only beneficiary) without having to deal with probate.

Anonymous wrote:My ILs quick decline sent my husband into therapy. It helped him a lot to talk with someone and work through his anxiety. One thing he had to accept was that they are adults and can make their own decisions. Even if we think they are making the wrong choices its their lives. (My MIL is in poor mental and physical condition but they refuse to consider assisted living/nursing homes but their quality of life living at home is poor. Ultimately, we can help in small ways but this is the way they choose to live.)

I actually checked the date on this to see if I wrote it because we are in exact same situation w my in laws. It’s so hard to see them living like this at the end of their lives when just a few years ago they were happy, active, engaged. We really didn’t think they would decline so rapidly.

Best advice is what others have said about getting into therapy or some kind of support group and of course taking good care of yourself and your nuclear family. But also for me seeing their rapid decline has made me determined to live a full life and not put things off for when we’re older (take the trip, do the experience, make the most of the holidays and birthdays, make the effort to spend time w loved ones, be fully present in the moment w my kids and not on my phone so much and seeing their poor decision making as they experience cognitive decline has made us think through planning our own elder care more before we reach that point (get our will and POA in order, clean out our house, etc)

Anonymous wrote:My ILs quick decline sent my husband into therapy. It helped him a lot to talk with someone and work through his anxiety. One thing he had to accept was that they are adults and can make their own decisions. Even if we think they are making the wrong choices its their lives. (My MIL is in poor mental and physical condition but they refuse to consider assisted living/nursing homes but their quality of life living at home is poor. Ultimately, we can help in small ways but this is the way they choose to live.)

This is HUGE and something I had to learn to accept in therapy too. My parent's choices are just awful, but if the person is deemed of sound mind all you can do is give your input, set your boundaries and accept the situation. You also have to make sure they don't kill anyone (take car keys when needed), but beyond that they get to make absolutely awful and self-destructive choices.

My ILs quick decline sent my husband into therapy. It helped him a lot to talk with someone and work through his anxiety. One thing he had to accept was that they are adults and can make their own decisions. Even if we think they are making the wrong choices its their lives. (My MIL is in poor mental and physical condition but they refuse to consider assisted living/nursing homes but their quality of life living at home is poor. Ultimately, we can help in small ways but this is the way they choose to live.)

Some great suggestions above. I am in a similar situation and anxiety is a problem - consider talking to a mental health professional about meds to help you handle all of this.

Anonymous wrote:You support them as well as you’re able.
They’ll soon be gone.

that ... isn't what OP asked?

Do you have siblings? Are things harmonious? Are they on the same page with what you are seeing and what needs to be done? Are you able to support eachother?

Definitely put your mask on before helping others!
I am in the same boat, and I agree with first poster. If you were never really bothered by anxiety, it may rear its ugly head now. That's what happened to me. So, a therapist, or support group for caregivers of elderly parents would be very helpful.
Also, legal stuff like POA, advance directives set up. What are their wishes for medical care?
And then the bills...you may need to take over that, too, if they stay in their home.
You will get through this, OP
Virtual hugs!

Sorry OP. Make sure you are making time for self-care.

We have been reeling with all kinds of losses. I lost my dad, SIL, FIL in the last two years. One sibling and his niece has seen his entire IL side wiped out. My mom has battled cancer. My own health is declining. I am holding on to whatever happiness I have. Very grateful to my spouse, siblings and kids. Nothing is permanent though.

I'm in the same situation OP. Last year was a doozy!

For me, I have had to practice acceptance. No, they can't come to dc's games anymore (not able to really walk out to field nor sit comfortably). No, me and mom aren't going to have a shopping errand day where we go to 6 stores and lunch. We aren't all going to the zoo. Dad is going to be confused sometimes.

I have to be ok with that, and be grateful for the time we have now-last Sunday I ordered good sushi we all like and brought it over, dc played outside after (we are in fl) and they happily watched. I take Mom to 'one' store, like Target, and get us starbucks (it's in the store, I don't like it but she does so I act happy about it). I take lots of pics at the zoo and show them to them on the ipad.

It is hard OP. Just a year ago, we were about to take a road trip-we did, but after that the decline got so much, we can't do that again. I'm trying to treasure the small things.

I've been at this for quite a while and here are my tips:

1.) Start calling around to find a therapist. May take a while, but your parents may have many emergencies and even though they are declining rapidly, you could be at this for many years so worth it.

2.) Consider support groups

3.) Every says it, but take care of yourself and have boundaries. Eat very healthy. Exercise. Find joy in little things. Do anything you can to laugh. I find silly videos on IG.

4.) Figure out what is sustainable. Think long term. Where are they? Are they at a place that can support them with rehabilitation, assisted living, nursing care, etc?

5.) Your family you created and your mental and physical health come first. You cannot pour from an empty cup with a hole. Prioritize and replenish so you can see them with calm and support not resentment and burn out.

You support them as well as you’re able.
They’ll soon be gone.

How do you mentally handle?