The research of the impact of divorce on kids shows very different results than popular culture suggests:

https://slate.com/technology/2022/07/divorce-bad-for-kids-history.html

Your responsibility is to create a living situation where you can be the best parent possible for your child.

The younger, the better. Don’t think that older kids (or even young adults) won’t care - divorce is destabilizing, which is why many parents stay in lousy marriages. That doesn’t mean it’s healthy to “stay together for the kids,” depending on the nature of the issues.

It’s a hard issue to research because you can’t do any kind of controlled experiments and because divorced families are inherently hard to study. So, you look at the research on child development, look at factors that can predict healthier outcomes, and do your best.

Anonymous wrote:Not middle school!

Definitely not middle school unless it’s an abusive situation that needs to end asap.

2-6

Not middle school!

Not 9 or 10 (middle childhood). Early childhood or very late adolescence is way better from what I’ve seen and read.

6 and under usually better but depends on coparenting after. Tween and young teen very tough.

The best time is before the relationship deteriorates so badly that the household environment is toxic and coparenting and divorce logistics are more contentious. Certainly well before anyone has an affair.

We are divorcing when DS is 10. It would have been better to do when he was younger but there kept on being medical issues, school issues, that made it so that I could not handle it. The covid. So here we are. A big part of me does wish I ripped the bandaid off 5 years ago, but I wasn’t ready. The positive is that I understand my kid much better now and am financially more secure than if I had done it then.

There’s no best age but consider what type of relationship you’re modeling to your kids by staying together. Do you think it’s a good model of how people should treat each other? Go from there.

I have a large extended family with several divorced relatives, so it's a decent data set. The best-adjusted of the now-adult children are the ones who were younger when the parents divorced. For example, in one set of three kids both elder children have serious mental issues but the youngest is successful and well-adjusted. She was 2 or 3 when the divorce happened.

18 right as they go away to school. They will almost forget because they have so much going on right in front of them day to day. The only painful reminder will be holidays. My parents did it when I was 17, and that last year of high school was awkward. Also, the great thing about going away to school is it gives your kid the opportunity to stay and take summer and winter classes. That way they really don't have to deal with it until they graduate... Yeah I did that.

I got divorced when the kids were 3, 6 and 9 and I feel this was the best possible time, aside from my oldest.

I knew my marriage would end in divorce and I certainly didn't want it happening in the middle/hs years and I certainly wasn't willing to wait 15 more years.

Now that I have college kids I can see how destablizing a divorce could be for college freshmen especially as well.

So, IMO, the younger the better for the kids. It could be harder for the parents though.

older is not better unless older means out of the house

I would say never.

But, if there is constant fighting, substance abuse, abuse or neglect of either the spouse or kids, then I would say don't worry about how old the kids are just get out.

If there are none of those issues but one or both spouses have been chronically unhappy for awhile and there doesn't seem to be resolution in sight and/or there is no sex happening then I'd say suck it up, make it work as best you can and hang in there until the kids are out of high school. In other words, put your own happiness on hold for awhile so your kids lives aren't imploded.

Just my humble opinion.

I see a number of post where people say they are waiting a couple years for kids to get older before divorcing, but my understanding was the younger they are the less emotional disorders they end up having b/c of the divorce. Does any have good research papers etc that support older is better for divorce? Excluding your kids being 20+ adults when you divorce.