Anonymous
02/04/2023 20:26
Subject: Parents of problem children that always see their kid as the victim
We have two DSs. Both now well past ES age and doing great. But in ES one was the angelic darling of every teacher, admin, and parent. (He was admittedly a very sweet and charming boy.) The other was in trouble All The Time. Basically lived in the principal’s office. If you don’t think a very easy pattern develops where the “bad kid” gets blamed disproportionately for issues with other kids or whatever trouble arises, then I’d say you’re the one with your head in the sand. (Or only seeing things in “black and white” as a PP went on about at length…).
No kid is perfect, and very often the kid who’s an outlier, or does have trouble controlling emotions makes for the prime target. Kids will often antagonize, knowing both that they’re going to get the rush of setting off some fireworks and that they won’t get blamed. And I get it. I don’t blame the teachers, they’ve e got 25 kids and need to do what they can to maintain order. That often means the path of least resistance. But sometimes it’s the class all star secretly flicking the “bad” kid in the back of the head over and over and over when no one’s looking, then finally gets knocked in the face for it. (That’s a true story.) So yeah, sometimes that kind of advocacy is needed.
No kid is perfect, and very often the kid who’s an outlier, or does have trouble controlling emotions makes for the prime target. Kids will often antagonize, knowing both that they’re going to get the rush of setting off some fireworks and that they won’t get blamed. And I get it. I don’t blame the teachers, they’ve e got 25 kids and need to do what they can to maintain order. That often means the path of least resistance. But sometimes it’s the class all star secretly flicking the “bad” kid in the back of the head over and over and over when no one’s looking, then finally gets knocked in the face for it. (That’s a true story.) So yeah, sometimes that kind of advocacy is needed.
Anonymous
02/04/2023 20:07
Subject: Re:Parents of problem children that always see their kid as the victim
Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's a personality trait, although not an innate one. A learned behavior.
They are black-and-white thinkers. They struggle to take responsibility for their own actions because they view everything as black and white, good or bad. So to admit their child did something hurtful or wrong, it's to admit that they need to make some changes to their parenting. That's scary to them because if everything is black and white, that means they are Bad Parents and they have a Bad Kid. That's horrible to them, so they say "no no no my kid is Good, we are Good Parents. So the OTHER kid must be the Bad Kid, that other kid must have Bad Parents."
They could learn to stop viewing things this way, to accept that everyone makes mistakes and that we all have to learn and change. That would enable them to admit their kid did something wrong, and to change course in their parenting as a correction. They don't have to label their kid or themselves as Bad. They could even acknowledge mitigating factors to their kid or to the school, like: "Yes, Bobby has been struggling controlling his temper and we are working on that -- pushing is never okay, and we are discussing it with him and will reach out to a therapist if we need to. However, this incident also arose because Jimmy kept taking Bobby's scissors without asking. While we are working with Bobby on regulating his anger, it would be great to get an acknowledgment that children should not take other student's things -- part of what is happening is that Bobby doesn't feel like his concerns are being heard or that Jimmy is respecting his space, so getting some reinforcement from the teacher would help a lot."
Like it doesn't have to be about "bad kids" or "bad parents". It can just be about behaviors and improvement and everyone taking responsibility for their own behavior. But people who have been raised to believe it's about good kids versus bad kids are scared to have their kids labeled bad, so they try to turn the tables. But that dynamic should not even be at play. Everyone has work to do, some kids have further to go but they aren't bad kids, they just need more help.
It's very ironic that you are engaging in black and white thinking while lecturing others not to. The kids might do something wrong or stupid despite having the most wonderful parents. It's not at all a given that any changes to parenting are required.
Anonymous
02/03/2023 23:41
Subject: Parents of problem children that always see their kid as the victim
Anonymous wrote:Is this a personality type? My mom was a teacher and said a lot of parents were like this. There's one kid in my son's class who lives in our neighborhood, he seems to have a problem with every other kid and is routinely sent to the principal's office for some kind of conflict or misbehavior with another boy. He's in second grade. Without fail, the mother blames the other kid, and can never acknowledge that it's her kid whose at fault. It's just so obvious to everyone else. Today he wound up in the principal's office once again and the mom is irate saying he was hit and was totally innocent. Then I started wondering if this is like a personality trait, and at what point if ever do these people see the light?
I’ve noticed how it’s typically the mother who is crazy enmeshed with her boy who can do no wrong. This is a common dynamic and extremely damaging down the road. If only these women had a clue. Curious if this tends to happen when a marriage is on the rocks, and mom refocuses her attention to idolizing her boy. It’s really sick.
Anonymous
02/03/2023 23:29
Subject: Re:Parents of problem children that always see their kid as the victim
It's a defense mechanism, is my best guess, cause they feel attacked for being perceived as a bad parent.
Anonymous
02/03/2023 21:20
Subject: Parents of problem children that always see their kid as the victim
We have a neighbor kid like this. The mom is not clueless (normally) but she has strongly sheltered/coddled her kid his whole life because she was anxious for him and he’s not coping well with the reality of school as a result. but since she has always seen him as helpless snd threatened she can’t see how her and now his antisocial behavior is causing the problems. I think it’s almost an extended form of PPA. It reminds me of Dudley’s mom from Harry Potter actually.
Anonymous
02/03/2023 21:10
Subject: Parents of problem children that always see their kid as the victim
Narcissists are always the victim and often see their kids as an extension of themselves.
Anonymous
02/03/2023 20:55
Subject: Re:Parents of problem children that always see their kid as the victim
Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's a personality trait, although not an innate one. A learned behavior.
They are black-and-white thinkers. They struggle to take responsibility for their own actions because they view everything as black and white, good or bad. So to admit their child did something hurtful or wrong, it's to admit that they need to make some changes to their parenting. That's scary to them because if everything is black and white, that means they are Bad Parents and they have a Bad Kid. That's horrible to them, so they say "no no no my kid is Good, we are Good Parents. So the OTHER kid must be the Bad Kid, that other kid must have Bad Parents."
They could learn to stop viewing things this way, to accept that everyone makes mistakes and that we all have to learn and change. That would enable them to admit their kid did something wrong, and to change course in their parenting as a correction. They don't have to label their kid or themselves as Bad. They could even acknowledge mitigating factors to their kid or to the school, like: "Yes, Bobby has been struggling controlling his temper and we are working on that -- pushing is never okay, and we are discussing it with him and will reach out to a therapist if we need to. However, this incident also arose because Jimmy kept taking Bobby's scissors without asking. While we are working with Bobby on regulating his anger, it would be great to get an acknowledgment that children should not take other student's things -- part of what is happening is that Bobby doesn't feel like his concerns are being heard or that Jimmy is respecting his space, so getting some reinforcement from the teacher would help a lot."
Like it doesn't have to be about "bad kids" or "bad parents". It can just be about behaviors and improvement and everyone taking responsibility for their own behavior. But people who have been raised to believe it's about good kids versus bad kids are scared to have their kids labeled bad, so they try to turn the tables. But that dynamic should not even be at play. Everyone has work to do, some kids have further to go but they aren't bad kids, they just need more help.
This is so insightful. Thank you!
Anonymous
02/03/2023 20:31
Subject: Parents of problem children that always see their kid as the victim
It's very common with parents of young children, because their kids are too young to be accurately diagnosed and social pressure has not yet had its effect on the family. The typical scenario is hyperactive ADHD that gets confirmed in mid-elementary, and before that the kid is a complete mess and his classmates and teachers suffer while the parents get their head around finding someone to evaluate their child, coming up with the money and accepting that he might have to be medicated. Some parents are very proactive, some parents get aggressive and defensive.
I've also seen parental defensiveness past elementary, and that's incredibly more damaging to the child. I know a family that could not accept their child has learning disorders, refused to get her evaluated and treated, and since she was quite isolated and introverted socially because she couldn't read well and felt bad about it, they claimed she was bullied in middle school and homeschooled her. They also claim she doesn't test well, to ignore her academic deficits caused by years of neglected LDs and poor homeschooling. Which means this poor kid is now in high school and has little prospects of college, when I know for a fact she's not stupid and could have had an entirely different experience if the dyslexia and possibly ADHD had been actually addressed. I try not to think about it, because I did my best to help years ago, and can't do anything about it now. I feel very bad for the kid.
I've also seen parental defensiveness past elementary, and that's incredibly more damaging to the child. I know a family that could not accept their child has learning disorders, refused to get her evaluated and treated, and since she was quite isolated and introverted socially because she couldn't read well and felt bad about it, they claimed she was bullied in middle school and homeschooled her. They also claim she doesn't test well, to ignore her academic deficits caused by years of neglected LDs and poor homeschooling. Which means this poor kid is now in high school and has little prospects of college, when I know for a fact she's not stupid and could have had an entirely different experience if the dyslexia and possibly ADHD had been actually addressed. I try not to think about it, because I did my best to help years ago, and can't do anything about it now. I feel very bad for the kid.
Anonymous
02/03/2023 20:30
Subject: Re:Parents of problem children that always see their kid as the victim
Yes, it's a personality trait, although not an innate one. A learned behavior.
They are black-and-white thinkers. They struggle to take responsibility for their own actions because they view everything as black and white, good or bad. So to admit their child did something hurtful or wrong, it's to admit that they need to make some changes to their parenting. That's scary to them because if everything is black and white, that means they are Bad Parents and they have a Bad Kid. That's horrible to them, so they say "no no no my kid is Good, we are Good Parents. So the OTHER kid must be the Bad Kid, that other kid must have Bad Parents."
They could learn to stop viewing things this way, to accept that everyone makes mistakes and that we all have to learn and change. That would enable them to admit their kid did something wrong, and to change course in their parenting as a correction. They don't have to label their kid or themselves as Bad. They could even acknowledge mitigating factors to their kid or to the school, like: "Yes, Bobby has been struggling controlling his temper and we are working on that -- pushing is never okay, and we are discussing it with him and will reach out to a therapist if we need to. However, this incident also arose because Jimmy kept taking Bobby's scissors without asking. While we are working with Bobby on regulating his anger, it would be great to get an acknowledgment that children should not take other student's things -- part of what is happening is that Bobby doesn't feel like his concerns are being heard or that Jimmy is respecting his space, so getting some reinforcement from the teacher would help a lot."
Like it doesn't have to be about "bad kids" or "bad parents". It can just be about behaviors and improvement and everyone taking responsibility for their own behavior. But people who have been raised to believe it's about good kids versus bad kids are scared to have their kids labeled bad, so they try to turn the tables. But that dynamic should not even be at play. Everyone has work to do, some kids have further to go but they aren't bad kids, they just need more help.
They are black-and-white thinkers. They struggle to take responsibility for their own actions because they view everything as black and white, good or bad. So to admit their child did something hurtful or wrong, it's to admit that they need to make some changes to their parenting. That's scary to them because if everything is black and white, that means they are Bad Parents and they have a Bad Kid. That's horrible to them, so they say "no no no my kid is Good, we are Good Parents. So the OTHER kid must be the Bad Kid, that other kid must have Bad Parents."
They could learn to stop viewing things this way, to accept that everyone makes mistakes and that we all have to learn and change. That would enable them to admit their kid did something wrong, and to change course in their parenting as a correction. They don't have to label their kid or themselves as Bad. They could even acknowledge mitigating factors to their kid or to the school, like: "Yes, Bobby has been struggling controlling his temper and we are working on that -- pushing is never okay, and we are discussing it with him and will reach out to a therapist if we need to. However, this incident also arose because Jimmy kept taking Bobby's scissors without asking. While we are working with Bobby on regulating his anger, it would be great to get an acknowledgment that children should not take other student's things -- part of what is happening is that Bobby doesn't feel like his concerns are being heard or that Jimmy is respecting his space, so getting some reinforcement from the teacher would help a lot."
Like it doesn't have to be about "bad kids" or "bad parents". It can just be about behaviors and improvement and everyone taking responsibility for their own behavior. But people who have been raised to believe it's about good kids versus bad kids are scared to have their kids labeled bad, so they try to turn the tables. But that dynamic should not even be at play. Everyone has work to do, some kids have further to go but they aren't bad kids, they just need more help.
Anonymous
02/03/2023 20:25
Subject: Re:Parents of problem children that always see their kid as the victim
There are many parents who would see the situation for what it was and there is hope for those kids as they get the proper parenting and therapy they need.
The parents who are in denial think they are "advocating" and "going to bat" for their kid but really they are just creating/exacerbating the problem.
The parents who are in denial think they are "advocating" and "going to bat" for their kid but really they are just creating/exacerbating the problem.
Anonymous
02/03/2023 20:22
Subject: Re:Parents of problem children that always see their kid as the victim
How is it obvious to everyone else? I don't know how anyone sees every single interaction. There are people that think they are the victim, even if they are the bully.
Anonymous
02/03/2023 20:19
Subject: Parents of problem children that always see their kid as the victim
Is this a personality type? My mom was a teacher and said a lot of parents were like this. There's one kid in my son's class who lives in our neighborhood, he seems to have a problem with every other kid and is routinely sent to the principal's office for some kind of conflict or misbehavior with another boy. He's in second grade. Without fail, the mother blames the other kid, and can never acknowledge that it's her kid whose at fault. It's just so obvious to everyone else. Today he wound up in the principal's office once again and the mom is irate saying he was hit and was totally innocent. Then I started wondering if this is like a personality trait, and at what point if ever do these people see the light?