Would you still feel like a good person if your relative got out of the house and died of exposure because you didn't provide an adequate level of supervision?

My mother, who is 81 and has moderate Alzheimer's, lived with us for two and a half months. We moved her in with us because living alone in her subsidized senior apartment in NJ was no longer safe or appropriate for her. The management of her apartment building, as well as her geriatric care manager and her doctors, all recommended that she move into a living situation where she could have more supervision and assistance. Initially we thought we could make it work at our house, but it quickly became clear that her condition was more advanced than we thought. She was paranoid and abusive to me, my husband, and my two school-age kids. She flat-out refused to go to the local senior day program and became belligerent when I took her there for a tour. She basically took over the house and we were constantly walking on eggshells. Our house was no longer our home. I lost 15 pounds from the stress. My kids were miserable and withdrew to their rooms to avoid interacting with their grandmother. It was untenable, especially when she started wandering at night and engaged in unsafe behaviors like putting a plastic container of leftovers into the toaster oven, breaking drinking glasses and not cleaning up the shards, refusing to take her meds, etc. We found an assisted living place 15 minutes from us where I could visit regularly. She is now in the memory care wing and it's a relief to know that she is safe and looked after, with 24 hour supervision and assistance, meals, activities, etc. There is no way we could provide for her needs at home when my husband and I both have demanding full time jobs and our kids (ages 11 and 17) need our attention. I still take her to all appointments, do her laundry, handle her finances, and oversee her care. The staff knows I am there on a regular basis. We're coming up on a year that she's been living there and it's been good.

Having an elderly loved one with Alzheimer's living with you, especially when you work full time and have school-age kids, can be challenging to say the least. I strongly recommend that there be a back-up plan in place in case things don't work out. It's a very cruel disease which wreaks havoc not only on the elderly loved one, but on the rest of the family as well.

Anonymous wrote:My grandparent with dementia lived with my family when I was a teenager. Yes, it was difficult sometimes, but my siblings and I learned good things from the experience.

We learned about taking care of the elderly, we learned that a person is still loved and worthy of our care even when their personality seems to have gone from their body. We learned that our parents were willing to make sacrifices to take care of their parents: a lesson that we learned well and thought back on many years later while we were taking care of our parent with dementia.

We also learned that life is not always perfect and that people are not always perfect, but we continue to care for and love people even when it is very, very difficult. Because that is what good people do. And my parents gave us an unforgettable example of what it means to be and how to be a good person. I am very thankful today for that experience of my grandparent living and eventually dying within the care of my family.

If your loved ones never experienced sundowning/insomnia, dementia-related aggression, exit-seeking/elopement, self-injurious behaviors like biting themself, inappropriate sexual behavior, coprophagia, and all the other potentially harmful and dangerous behaviors that can result from dementia, well, lucky you. But don't judge the rest of us who are trying to deal with it and to keep our innocent children safe from it.

Some people with dementia require 24/7 supervision and cannot safely live in a household with children, period. That's the unpleasant truth. So stop patting yourself on the back for being such a good person. You're just lucky that these things didn't come up for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandparent with dementia lived with my family when I was a teenager. Yes, it was difficult sometimes, but my siblings and I learned good things from the experience.

We learned about taking care of the elderly, we learned that a person is still loved and worthy of our care even when their personality seems to have gone from their body. We learned that our parents were willing to make sacrifices to take care of their parents: a lesson that we learned well and thought back on many years later while we were taking care of our parent with dementia.

We also learned that life is not always perfect and that people are not always perfect, but we continue to care for and love people even when it is very, very difficult. Because that is what good people do. And my parents gave us an unforgettable example of what it means to be and how to be a good person. I am very thankful today for that experience of my grandparent living and eventually dying within the care of my family.

A "good person" would not have written what you wrote above.

+1. Can your really be so oblivious? It's all fun and games until the gas stove is left on in the middle of the night. Until your parent gets out of the house and dies of exposure. Yes, it's very very difficult sometimes, and family care is not always the best. It's not even safe for some families.


https://acl.gov/sites/default/files/triage/bh-brief-wanderingexit-seeking.pdf

Anonymous wrote:My grandparent with dementia lived with my family when I was a teenager. Yes, it was difficult sometimes, but my siblings and I learned good things from the experience.

We learned about taking care of the elderly, we learned that a person is still loved and worthy of our care even when their personality seems to have gone from their body. We learned that our parents were willing to make sacrifices to take care of their parents: a lesson that we learned well and thought back on many years later while we were taking care of our parent with dementia.

We also learned that life is not always perfect and that people are not always perfect, but we continue to care for and love people even when it is very, very difficult. Because that is what good people do. And my parents gave us an unforgettable example of what it means to be and how to be a good person. I am very thankful today for that experience of my grandparent living and eventually dying within the care of my family.

A "good person" would not have written what you wrote above.

My grandparent with dementia lived with my family when I was a teenager. Yes, it was difficult sometimes, but my siblings and I learned good things from the experience.

We learned about taking care of the elderly, we learned that a person is still loved and worthy of our care even when their personality seems to have gone from their body. We learned that our parents were willing to make sacrifices to take care of their parents: a lesson that we learned well and thought back on many years later while we were taking care of our parent with dementia.

We also learned that life is not always perfect and that people are not always perfect, but we continue to care for and love people even when it is very, very difficult. Because that is what good people do. And my parents gave us an unforgettable example of what it means to be and how to be a good person. I am very thankful today for that experience of my grandparent living and eventually dying within the care of my family.

I do not recommend it, and I was for our in-laws living with us, until they became truly senile. They would leave gas appliances on, microwave toast, put coffee in the toaster over, leave the garbage disposal running, sneak out of the house, etc..

How old are the kids?

Honestly I would not do this. DH tentatively brought it up once and I shut it down. It's just so, so hard. It's a lot of caregiving and that plus kids is just too much in total.

Maybe in the very earliest stages it might be ok but I think it's best to accept early on that they need round the clock care and find a place you and your parent can be comfortable with.

IME the hardest part is the insomnia. It's loud and wakes everyone up, including the kids, then they're tired and crabby in the morning.

Parent didn’t live with us but we took kids to visit multiple times per week from preschool to middle school age. I think it taught them empathy and patience but I realize living with them full time might have been very different and much harder.

Do you have daughters? My aunt did this with her father, and it got really hard because his filter slipped to the point that he would stare at her teen daughters' bodies and sometimes make remarks. It was hard already but that put them over the edge.

I don't anyone in this situation, for good reason - it would be hellish. My aunt helped coordinate care for her ILs, one of them with Alzheimer's, but they stayed in their own home and had the money for caregivers. My friend's mother had early-onset Alzheimer's and my friend paid for a specialized home for her.

If your parent with Alzheimer’s is living with you, how are your kids dealing with it? How old are they?