Anonymous wrote:Very important lesson I learned from a rehabilitation hospital when I first became a care giver at age 14: it is unhealthy for the patient to have to say "thank you" for every dang thing they need on a minute to minute basis. It literally shortens their life expectancy.

It is also unhealthy for a caregiver, especially a family member, to expect constant and consistent thanks. The amount of "doing for" is so great that no human could keep up with the 'thank yous' needed, and so the amount of disappointment and resentment you will build from expecting the unreasonable is terribly bad for your mental health.

You have a new normal in your household. If the time and physical burden is too much for you, get help. That is essential for all involved (my neighbor highly recommends senior centers for daily activity -- aka senior day care). But if the burden you are expressing is one of ego (needing thanks and recognition), for that you can and must change your attitude about what is actually going on in your new normal.

Doesn’t sound like they want a thank you for every little thing

Solidarity OP. Hardest thing I’ve ever endured was caring for both mom/dad. They were saints but it nearly broke me. Utilize every resource possible. What health plan? Any supplemental insurance? Might cover a few hours of in home aid per week.

Very important lesson I learned from a rehabilitation hospital when I first became a care giver at age 14: it is unhealthy for the patient to have to say "thank you" for every dang thing they need on a minute to minute basis. It literally shortens their life expectancy.

It is also unhealthy for a caregiver, especially a family member, to expect constant and consistent thanks. The amount of "doing for" is so great that no human could keep up with the 'thank yous' needed, and so the amount of disappointment and resentment you will build from expecting the unreasonable is terribly bad for your mental health.

You have a new normal in your household. If the time and physical burden is too much for you, get help. That is essential for all involved (my neighbor highly recommends senior centers for daily activity -- aka senior day care). But if the burden you are expressing is one of ego (needing thanks and recognition), for that you can and must change your attitude about what is actually going on in your new normal.

Imho both caregiver and elder parent need regular professional therapy if possible. If not then may be clergy can help. If not that then you can help her find some friends or connect with her existing ones, even on phone then she'll have another emotional outlet.

Anonymous wrote:Caring for my mother who recently moved in with us. She is still mobile and able to take care of bathing and dressing, but I have to give her her medications, cook for her, clean, manage her doctors, provide entertainment, et cetera.

It is not easy and I am exhausted, physically and mentally.

I wish I got a little more acknowledgment for everything I do. I don’t expect her to bend at the knee, I just wish I got a thank you or a kind word. She isn’t mean, she is just focused only on herself and her problems.

I’ve been feeling pretty down lately. I should probably see someone for depression and get medication. I am always so sad and overwhelmed. It didn’t start until I became a caretaker for her. It all just seems so depressing.

I read lots of things on dcum and sometimes they make me feel better, so I guess I am just reaching out. It’s better than me complaining to friends and family, at least here I can anonymously vent and ask for some uplifting, kind words without feeling like I am bothering anyone.

You are a good person, I salute you. Its easy to volunteer at charity or care for dogs but not many care to care for elderly. Whole humanity is thankful to you, hopefully someone will be there to care for you in your old age.

Elderly can be self centered like kids, they can't see beyond their nose. When they do, its often drowned in their ailments, fears and stresses.

Use all resources you can to delegate your workload, government, community, family, professionals ... whoever can lighten your burden, accept their help. Don't try to be perfect, don't take it personally. Just do your best, take breaks. Just like mother's day out, you need daughter's day out to refeul.

Do seek professional therapy, meditation, calming apps, group of caregivers etc.

May be finding a common hobby or occasionally doing something fun with her can help you two connect in a healthier way because neither of you would be focused on your individual or mutual problems. Just like its important for spouses to go on date nights, so is for caregiver and recipient, when possible possible.

You sound like a intelligent and compassionate person, I hope you'll find innovative ways to make a difficult situation, less difficult. Good luck!!👍🍀

Sounds very draining OP. Big hug to you.

Maybe your mom is currently focused on her own transition and total change in everything about her life but as time goes on and she gets used to her new life and surroundings she will appreciate what you're doing more.

You are amazing!

It is hard. In some cases unbelievably hard, even if things seem to be going okayish.

Be sure to look after yourself too and get respite regularly.

Internet hug, OP. It is hard.

What about a support group? That would give you some time away and real life people to talk to. Or therapy.

OP just sending kind words. Major respect for you.

I am sorry you are going through this.

I have great respect for you. Mature love is not always fun, but it endures.

Just like caring for you as a child was not always fun, but she was there for you.

There may come a time when you cannot care for your mom anymore, but she is lucky (and should feel blessed) that you are trying to make it work.

You need regular breaks. Don't ask Mom's opinion. Several hours a day, predictable, something you can count on. And some long weekends away during the year. Work to find someone(s) -that you- feel ok about.

You are doing the right thing. Your mother may not be able to express it, but surely she is grateful to have your company, your kindness, your care.

Do you have a spouse or siblings who can share the workload to give you a break once a week or once a month? And please do talk to your doc if you think medication would help your mood. You can do this.

Being a caregiver is such a difficult role. Self care is super important.

Here are a few resources:

The Conscious Caregiver: A Mindful Approach to Caring for Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself
https://www.amazon.com/Conscious-Caregiver-Mindful-Approach-Yourself/dp/1440597731/

Daily Comforts for Caregivers
https://www.amazon.com/Daily-Comforts-Caregivers-Pat-Samples/dp/1577490886/

Caring for my mother who recently moved in with us. She is still mobile and able to take care of bathing and dressing, but I have to give her her medications, cook for her, clean, manage her doctors, provide entertainment, et cetera.

It is not easy and I am exhausted, physically and mentally.

I wish I got a little more acknowledgment for everything I do. I don’t expect her to bend at the knee, I just wish I got a thank you or a kind word. She isn’t mean, she is just focused only on herself and her problems.

I’ve been feeling pretty down lately. I should probably see someone for depression and get medication. I am always so sad and overwhelmed. It didn’t start until I became a caretaker for her. It all just seems so depressing.

I read lots of things on dcum and sometimes they make me feel better, so I guess I am just reaching out. It’s better than me complaining to friends and family, at least here I can anonymously vent and ask for some uplifting, kind words without feeling like I am bothering anyone.