So you are putting inappropriate expectations and demands on your child.

You missed the part where the OP’s son wants to be compassionate and understanding of what his friend is going through.. Nothing inappropriate about that.

He wants to understand and be supportive. She is a dear friend and such a sweetheart.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I asked for a book recommendation. Maybe you misunderstood my question.

So you are putting inappropriate expectations and demands on your child.

No, there is no book that’s going to support what you want here.

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell my child it's indicative of severe childhood trauma, for example sexual abuse, and that child needs professional help, and just kindness from her friends. The best way your child can support her is kindness. There's no logic to cutting oneself. Why buy a book teaching about it??? I wouldn't even give it any validation. It's destructive the behavior. I'd also be concerned what your child is being exposed to at that house. What's going on over there?

While some people who have experienced severe trauma will self harm, it is used by people whose life stresses exceed their coping skills. The APA says gay and bisexual youth are at increased risk for self harm, as well as children who have experienced bullying. Rather than judging the family of a child who is suffering, you might benefit from learning more about why people resort to this behavior: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2015/07-08/who-self-injures

I'd tell my child it's indicative of severe childhood trauma, for example sexual abuse, and that child needs professional help, and just kindness from her friends. The best way your child can support her is kindness. There's no logic to cutting oneself. Why buy a book teaching about it??? I wouldn't even give it any validation. It's destructive the behavior. I'd also be concerned what your child is being exposed to at that house. What's going on over there?

Kati Morton has two videos that might be helpful. I would encourage you to watch with your son so you can help him process the information. Ultimately what he needs to know is that he can be a caring and supportive friend, but it’s not his job to keep his friend safe from self harm. That’s her job, in collaboration with her parents and therapist. Sometimes teens can get really enmeshed with taking responsibility when a friend is doing self-destructive things. Self harm is usually a symptom of internal struggles and will resolve as those are treated.

I think he’s already been a great support to her by wanting to understand and help rather than being disgusted or shaming.

Self Harm: Why Do We Do It— https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gXwYFjy-S6k
How to Help Someone Who Self Harms— https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mzUz1pfR41Q

Have them watch Ginny and Georgia - lot of issues and self harming and listening to the girl in therapy trying to learn and handle her self harming.

It shouldn't be understood or glorified in any way. Their friend deserves empathy and being there for them no matter what. To just be a good friend. That's all.

Maybe one of the teen health websites would have a short, helpful FAQ?

I have a teen girl who self harms. Many of her friends know. They also know I know. It is a really hard position for him to be in if her parents don't know, but it should be shared.

I think the best advice for your son is to follow her lead in talking about it. If she wants to, listen, if not, just be there like other friends, don't draw attention.

Beyond that, I agree, it's above a kid's responsibility. It's hard and scary as her mom.

Anonymous wrote:My teen (15m) has a teen friend (15F) who is self-mutilating (cutting).

He wants to understand and be supportive. She is a dear friend and such a sweetheart.

Does anyone have any book or YouTube suggestions?

Thanks in advance!

No book is going to help your son understand his friend cutting. Even if he found that book what would he do with that information? This is way above his pay grade!

OP I understand what you are asking and why.

However, I do think this is a poor idea.

I get that you would like to be helpful here and empathic, but it is hard to keep your teen at a safe distance here and not think they will help their friend get over this. There is no way they can.

I normally would think a book would be a good idea in this case no. It's not about the knowledge they might gain or insight it is that they are not professional and this could go horribly wrong.

Anonymous wrote:Cutting itself is not something that requires understanding and support from a 15 year old friend. Parents should be aware, girl needs appropriate therapy.

Generally, parents are instructed to provide medical care for the cuts and then hide all sharps. Then teen needs therapy for depression/anxiety/OCD, etc.

There is nothing for your son to “do” here.

+1

Cutting itself is not something that requires understanding and support from a 15 year old friend. Parents should be aware, girl needs appropriate therapy.

Generally, parents are instructed to provide medical care for the cuts and then hide all sharps. Then teen needs therapy for depression/anxiety/OCD, etc.

There is nothing for your son to “do” here.

OP here.

I asked for a book recommendation. Maybe you misunderstood my question.

It’s one of those issues that spreads through friend groups. I would be very very cautious here.

I should clarify - recommendations for MY teen!

My teen (15m) has a teen friend (15F) who is self-mutilating (cutting).

He wants to understand and be supportive. She is a dear friend and such a sweetheart.

Does anyone have any book or YouTube suggestions?

Thanks in advance!